"Why Are Polyamorous People Ugly?"

A lot of people in mainstream society often make negative comments about the appearance of polyamorists (people who practice polyamory like me).

Whenever this topic comes up, a lot of my people get defensive:

Let me start by saying that people who call us "ugly" have a point. Kind of.

It's important to note that I'm not making a value judgment by suggesting that physically beautiful people are "better" humans.

We polyamorists don't conform to societal standards of monogamy. This sometimes means that we are less likely to conform to societal standards overall, and that can definitely include societal standards of beauty and attractiveness.

The result is that you will often see a greater proportion of people who aren't conventionally attractive in polyamorous communities compared to the general population.

You will see similar patterns in many counterculture groups. Back in the glory days of rock and metal, tons of men in the hair metal scene dressed like women, and tons of women in the grunge scene wore baggy plaid clothing that did nothing to accentuate a feminine figure. They were all seen as "ugly" by the mainstream at some point.

The polyamory community as a whole has a wider array of people with vastly varying standards and ways of thinking.

There are plenty of polyamorists who follow a very different personal standard of beauty and attractiveness and plenty who follow more conventional ones, too.

Many polyamorists find happiness in seeing past physical beauty, or their tastes in regard to physical appearance aren't as dependent on societal standards of beauty.

There is also a significant relationship between the patriarchy and beauty standards.

A greater proportion of people (women especially) in the general mainstream population will try harder to conform to conventional beauty standards. This is because patriarchal objectification of women causes them to self-objectify and, therefore, try harder to beautify themselves in order to have greater value within the patriarchal system.

They have a greater attachment to their outer beauty because they bought into the idea that their value and self-worth should be tied to it.

Polyamory itself is a departure from patriarchal standards.

Monogamy is a patriarchal institution that sprouted out of the agricultural revolution and is likely not something that's baked into our nature through evolution. Polyamory is an inherently feminist ideology that departs from the outdated idea of the traditional nuclear family, something that doesn't make economic sense for a lot of people already. There are a lot of layers to this.

Thus, those who practice polyamory are also less likely to conform to other patriarchal standards such as its notions of conventional beauty.

If all of that sounds very left-wing and "woke" to you, you're right.

Studies have found that physically attractive people are more likely to be politically conservative.

These studies suggest that physically attractive people generally have less struggle in life and, therefore, enjoy more of the privileges of patriarchy, making them more likely to want to maintain that status quo. Makes sense.

It is worth noting that there are still plenty of people who conform to societal beauty standards and - for one reason or another - "woke" up to the reality of the inequities in the world and sided with us on the left, or always had enough awareness to be here the whole time.

This presents a potential problem for some polyamorists.

Let's say you're a guy like me who really values conventional physical attractiveness.

Even though I'm not the most genetically blessed man in terms of physical appearance, I value making an effort to look good on the outside:

• I go to the gym regularly and follow a high-protein diet in order to build an attractively masculine body.
• I regularly remove most of the hair from my body below the neck.
• I always make sure that I have a skilled and meticulous hairstylist.
• I use a benzoyl peroxide face cleanser every day.
• I read up a lot on classic men's fashion and learned how to dress well in a traditionally masculine way.
• I even got my eyebrows tattooed. It looks really natural; you won't be able to tell they're tattooed.

I am attracted to women who also value looking good by conventional standards and those who make an effort to develop and maintain an attractively feminine appearance.

If I'm polyamorous, doesn't that mean I'm having a tough time finding partners who meet these standards?

No. I do very well for myself, and the women I date have all been conventionally attractive, some of whom have modeling experience or held other occupations that are traditionally held by conventionally attractive women.

Even if the study I mentioned above found that physically attractive people are more likely to be politically conservative, correlation does not equal causation. There is no shortage of conventionally attractive people who are more open to the idea of polyamory (or would be open to it if you presented it well).

No matter what the general trends are, you can always be the exception to the rule.

In my life before polyamory, I used to live in the San Francisco Bay Area for a few years, a place notorious for its heavily male population.

Women I found attractive were already pretty rare, but when there were so few women, the ones I found attractive were even rarer.

A lot of men there felt the same way.

However, one of the fundamental rules I learned about dating, attraction, seduction, or whatever you want to call it, was that I needed to be "the exception to the rule."

It didn't matter how bad the average statistics were.

I could make myself a successful outlier.

Let's say the ratio of women to men is so bad that women only make up ten percent of the population. That's one in ten. In a room full of ten people, there will be only one woman.

However, in a room full of one hundred people, there will be ten women. That's plenty of opportunity for me. All I have to do is be more charismatic than ninety men, which is a lot easier than you think.

Most men have NO CLUE how to flirt or be charming. It's super easy to compete with them once you figure out a few things.

Living in the Bay Area didn't stop me from my hedonism (though there's no amount you could pay me to move back there). Being polyamorous doesn't stop me in any way, either.

If you're interested in learning how to be an attractively masculine man who can also be "the exception to the rule" in any circumstance, check this out:

This article was originally published on Medium.