Where do I belong?

Before I came to Ontario, I spoke a different language. The only people we knew that spoke my language is my Mom. Nobody else could speak it. Being the new kid didn't help at all. I used to love school according to my Mom. That all changed when I came here. Today I lost my language and my culture, suffer from depression, anxiety and insomnia with a learning disability. I was forced to learn two languages with zero knowledge of English. This made me an easy target for everybody. From the kids who were younger than me to kids who were twice my age. Some teachers even commented how I was giving them a "hard time" for "refusing to learn". I remembered coming home every day crying.

One day I was on the bus heading home. Suddenly a girl probably a few years older than me and sat next to me smiling widely. She didn't say anything she just smiled. Until I felt somebody grabbed my arms and didn't let go. This girl lifted my shirt and started biting my stomach because it was fun making a new-blood cry. She kept going until I screamed in pain. That's when she jumped and left my seat. I remember I continued crying on the way home. Everyone just laughed and made fun of me while the bus driver was just ignoring me. It was the last limit for my Mom. She demanded I go to a better school because they were not doing anything at all.

I still barely understood any English or French. It wasn't easy progress. I didn't get diagnosed with a Learning disability until the fourth grade. My reading was improving and I started to speak English a lot more. I was still made fun of from time to time because I didn't understand but the Teacher put a stop to it. What is a learning disability you might ask? A learning disability is a disability that affects the acquisition of knowledge or skills, in particular any of various neurodevelopmental conditions affecting the learning and use of specific academic skills such as reading, writing, or mathematics. Anyone can have it.

I ended up being stuck with a Learning Disability. Later on in school; I was introduced to the Indigenous Culture. My culture. My home before Ottawa. I realized that I didn't remember any of my first language all I remember was English. I explained my situation and they taught me some stuff. When I went to Wabano I learned how to make dreamcatchers, drums, and how to make a Jingle Dress. The only thing is I felt like I didn't belong there. Everybody talked about their experience of the Pow-Wows or how they lived their lives. I just stood there in silence wondering what did all of this mean?

I never saw an issue when it came to my race. However, I was young and naive. I didn't realize that I suffered from racism. I remember just avoiding it because I was told that people who try to bring you down are just miserable with their life so they take it out on you. So, that's how I lived my life. Any people who try to talk me down I shrug it off. I'll get upset about it later but at the end of the day, they don't matter to me.

However, today my eyes are opened wide. No one realizes the truth about the Indigenous issues because everyone wants to suppress them. It's like what we do with our problems. We ignore the big deal but if it gets too much everyone knows.

The reason I brought up all of these is that 90% every day I feel dumb. I get jealous of people who are fluent in English, who speaks French and Spanish. Heck, I was jealous of my sister because she knew words that I don't understand. Every time I am out with my friends or out working I feel the least intelligent out of them all. Every time I get asked about my culture and where I am from I say nothing because I don't know.

In society, I feel like I don't belong here. I want to run away into the forest. Build my own home and bow and arrows and just live my life in peace. While I learn about my culture or go out to events I feel like I don't fit in.

I don't know any traditional songs, I don't remember my language. I get judged on my skin colour, I get told I won't be as successful as everyone else.

If I don't belong to my culture or here. Then...that just leaves me with one question...

Where do I really belong?