When Your Love Language is Used Against You

When my first marriage was in its final death rattles, my ex and I had one final attempt at marriage counseling. We had been down that road so many times before.

I already met with the counselor on my own, as had my then-husband. My ex, who I now know is a deeply insecure man with hatred and distrust of women, assumed that our therapist, a man, would support his views on what was wrong with our marriage. In other words, he expected our counselor to join him in his relentless barrage of blame directed solely at me.

Instead, he suggested we read The Five Love Languages by Garry Chapman.

I did read it. My ex can’t read so he got the audio version. It didn’t help. By this stage of our marriage, the suggestion that we read a book was like suggesting a band-aid for a hemorrhage.

I’m glad I read it, though. It helped me to understand why my ex’s words wounded me so deeply and why hugs and flowers after a verbal assault, did nothing to make me feel better.

The Five Love Languages

In case you have not heard of the Five Love Languages, the book describes the ways that people give and receive love in their relationships. Whilst the focus in the book is on intimate relationships, the principles apply to parents and children, extended family, friendships and relationships with work colleagues.

We each have one or two primary love languages. These describe the way we receive the expression of love our partner makes to us, and also the way we are most comfortable expressing our love to others.

They are: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.

I highly recommend the book if you haven’t read it. My now-husband and I do our best to keep one another’s love languages in mind and remember that how we ourselves like to receive love, is not the most effective way for us to express love to the other.

The love languages are intended for good

I came into my second marriage still deeply scarred from my first. My husband knows the turmoil I have been through and is gentle with my wounds.

Words are one of my very favorite things. I love to write them, speak them, create with them. It’s no surprise that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation which means I need to hear and read his love. His is Quality Time, which means I need to sit my hyperactive butt down and spend time with him without distractions. I show him my love by giving him my undivided attention. I’ve learnt to do that and the rewards for our relationship have been immense.

My husband genuinely loves me. He can be trusted with my fractured heart and invisible scars. He can also be trusted with my love language.

He knows that words have the power to fill me up and to shatter me. He understands I have been deeply wounded with words used as weapons.

The love languages are a double-edged sword

I have written in other stories about my experiences with long-term domestic abuse. My abuser used words to grind me down, demean and control me.

I was shown constant criticism. He would stand over me and rant and rave. Whilst he threw things, deprived me of sleep, and sexually violated me, the most damaging thing he did was assault me with words.

The cycle of abuse shows us that even abusive relationships have periods of calm.

During some of these periods of calm, and foolishly believing the previous explosion would be our last, I would try and explain to him how the way he spoke to me made me feel.

More than once I said this to him:

I can’t reconcile the way you speak to me with how much you say you love me.

You see he was always telling me he loved me. Explaining that he was just trying to help me fix all my flaws, to help me learn to do things the right way.

His way.

But he was only giving lip service to the word love, there was no evidence to support the notion that he cared about me as a separate unique individual. Rather he loved what having me in is life did for him.

It was only about him.

And when things were really bad, as they were for the majority of the final years of our relationship, he used words, my beloved medium of expression and creativity, to demean me at every opportunity.

Love language violations cut deep

Love languages, when used in a relationship built on genuine love and respect have immense power to enrich and build up both parties. However, love languages also expose the deepest part of us to exploitation when in a relationship with someone who has made a sport out of hurting us.

Whilst all the love languages have the scope to be used against us, those of us for whom words are crucial are particularly exposed to having our vulnerability used against us.

There is no easier way to hurt me than to speak to me harshly.

All of us have a key that gives access to our innermost selves. When entrusted to the right person, it opens up the possibility of deep and fulfilling love.

It can also be used for deep harm. Being aware of that is the first step.

I don’t know any surefire way we can protect ourselves from allowing our love language to be used against us, but I do believe it serves as an early warning sign that something is not right in a relationship. If any behavior from a partner can make us feel so deeply wounded, as it does when vulnerability is exploited, then I believe that is an early sign.

A sign that, should you see it, I beg you not to ignore.

Originally published on Medium.com