When a friend won’t cheer: across faiths, an unsupportive friend is a hater

Across the world’s religions, friendship is defined by love, loyalty, and the courage to help each other grow. When someone who calls themselves your friend won’t support you—when they belittle your success, withhold encouragement, or quietly root against you—they are not neutral. They are, in effect, a hater. Scripture after scripture frames true friendship as active goodwill and mutual uplift, and warns that envy, ridicule, and backbiting corrode both the friendship and the soul.

What “unsupportive” means (and doesn’t)

- Unsupportive: chronic envy, ridicule, indifference to your growth, sabotage, backbiting, and refusal to rejoice when you flourish.

- Not the same as honest correction: real friends tell the truth in love and help you course-correct. Empty flattery is not support; honest, caring feedback is.

Biblical and Jewish wisdom

- A true friend shows steady love and shows up in hardship: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17).

- Support means lifting each other when we fall: “Two are better than one… if either of them falls, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).

- Love is not envious; rejoicing with each other is a test of friendship: “Love… does not envy” (1 Corinthians 13:4); “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).

- Envy and selfish ambition poison community: “If you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition… there you find disorder” (James 3:14–16).

- Don’t hate in your heart; instead, correct frankly and lovingly: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor” (Leviticus 19:17). This distinguishes loving reproof from hateful undermining.

- Discernment: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6). Honest care can sting; constant undercutting and fake praise betray hate.

- Choose your circle wisely: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise” (Proverbs 13:20).

Islamic teaching

- True friends are allies who help each other do good: “The believing men and believing women are allies of one another; they enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong” (Qur’an 9:71); “Cooperate in righteousness and piety” (Qur’an 5:2).

- Ridicule and backbiting are marks of hatred, not friendship: “Woe to every slanderer, backbiter” (Qur’an 104:1); “Let not a people ridicule another people… nor backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?” (Qur’an 49:11–12).

- The standard of support is high: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself” (Sahih al-Bukhari; Sahih Muslim).

- Mutual support is structural: “The believer to another believer is like a building, each part strengthening the other” (Sahih al-Bukhari; Sahih Muslim).

Buddhist guidance

- Choose supportive companions; avoid harmful ones: “If you do not find a companion who is your equal or better, go alone; there is no companionship with a fool” (Dhammapada 61).

- The Buddha describes false and true friends: the taker, the talker, the flatterer, and the leader to ruin are false; the helper, the loyal in joy and sorrow, the good counselor, and the compassionate are true (Sigalovada Sutta, Digha Nikaya 31).

- Cultivate boundless goodwill, not envy or contempt: the Metta (loving-kindness) teaching urges care for others “as a mother would guard her only child” (Karanīya Metta Sutta, Sutta Nipata 1.8).

Hindu teaching

- The devotee’s heart is non-envious and friendly to all: “He who has no malice toward any being, who is friendly and compassionate, free from possessiveness and ego…” (Bhagavad Gita 12:13–14).

- Divine qualities include compassion, truthfulness, gentleness, and absence of ill-will (Bhagavad Gita 16:1–3). An unsupportive, envious spirit contradicts these.

Signs your “unsupportive friend” is functionally a hater

- They minimize your wins or pivot the spotlight, instead of rejoicing with you (Romans 12:15).

- They mock, gossip, or subtly poison others against you (Qur’an 49:11–12; 104:1).

- They are absent in hardship and resentful in your joy (Proverbs 17:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).

- They flatter but don’t correct, or they criticize without care (Proverbs 27:6; DN 31).

- They compete from envy rather than sharpen you in love (James 3:14–16; Proverbs 27:17).

How to respond, faithfully and wisely

- Name the pattern. Measure their behavior against the standard of love that “does not envy” and “bears all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7).

- Speak the truth in love. Share how their silence or undercutting lands; invite healthier friendship (Leviticus 19:17; Galatians 6:1).

- Set boundaries. If they persist in ridicule or sabotage, limit access to your inner life (Dhammapada 61; Proverbs 13:20).

- Seek better companions. Find those who help you do good and endure with you (Qur’an 9:71; Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).

- Guard your own heart. Don’t repay hate with hate; practice goodwill and pray for their healing (Matthew 5:44; Karanīya Metta Sutta).

- Be the friend you want. Proactively support, counsel, and celebrate others “in righteousness and patience” (Qur’an 103:3; Romans 12:10, 15).

Bottom line

Across traditions, friendship is covenantal: it is mutual aid, honest counsel, and shared joy. Envy, ridicule, indifference to your flourishing, and backbiting are not neutral quirks; they are spiritual vices that mark a hating heart. If a “friend” will not support you, they are acting as a hater. Choose—and be—the kind of friend sacred texts commend: loving, steadfast, truthful, and sincerely happy when others rise.

Julie O’Hara

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