What the F(9)?

Fast Cars and Family; that's what the basis of this franchise is, right?

But now we got rockets, space, Star Wars metaphors, military drone strikes, world domination, and evil mastermind hackers.

Do you remember the first movie? Where Dom was just stealing crappy dvd players and selling it on the side to pay the bills?

Just stereos and street races and voices spoken at a reasonable level and a whole lot of NOS.

Such Simple Times.

Now we got rocket cars on spaceships and magnet that will yank a car through a building.

I grew up watching the first movie, "The Fast and the Furious" and loving it. Brian and Mia and their tumultuous relationship, Dom and Letty who are ying and yang and powerful together. Their fast cars blurring the screen in colors of blue and green and yellow. Violence and loyalty.

It wasn't a great movie, but it was pure and simple.

Then we had the second movie, aptly named "2 Fast 2 Furious" whick followed Brian to Miami with Roman to take down a criminal drug lord. A bit more complex than the first movie but not much. We also meet Tej for the first time in this movie and he runs a garage and amps up cars with insane power.

Tej is my favorite character in the whole franchise, he's the smartest one and the most kind man out of all of them. He LITERALLY made an atm machine explode with money in a poor neighborhood and he had a garage that didn't rip people off, like he said he would.

I will die on this hill.

I would protect him with my life and if he dies in this franchise, I will write a strongly worded letter to the movie studio for them to read as a distraction while I burn it to the ground.

But I digress.

I could give a mini excerpt about each movie, but honestly ain't nobody got time for that and I will probably talk more about Luke Evans than anyone would like to hear. UNless you're in love with him too, then I will do another article to honor that gorgeous man.

So, basically Dom has his family back and they are all still living in denial of Paul Walkers death in real life and still basically talking to him off camera and honestly at this point its really sad. Either write him out or 'kill' him in an explosion. It's just so cringey now and I cannot handle it. Also do NOT replace Paul Walker with the southern boy from Japan, I can't even.

I honestly don't even know how to review F9 except that it's real bad, so at least take a dab or get a blunt to get you through it because the only way to get through it is to be baked higher than Willie Nelson on 4/20 at a dispensary that running a going out of business sale.

Can I just say that it's not 'progressive' of them to shamelessly promote a scene with Mia and Letty talking and promoting it as 'girl power'? I'm sorry, it took you 9 shitty movies to let them have a scene together? Yeah, no that's the opposite. This is a shitty franchise about fast cars and muscle men doing the most minimal emotional character development possible and most of the time, it does not stick. Don't make this franchise about something that it clearly is not about.

I just need the franchise to end officially, and just focus on Hobbs and Shaw with maybe more Luke EVans and Helen Mirren because I love them and none of the original cast.