What should you do if the other person has cheated on you?

How should you cope with the cheating of your other half and the breakdown of your marriage?

Chen Haixian, a renowned psychological counsellor and family therapist with a PhD in psychology from Zhejiang University, points out that if you compare the difficulties encountered in an intimate relationship to an illness, some relationship problems are like a cold and fever, which will soon cure themselves. Others are equivalent to cancer and can lead to the breakdown and disintegration of the relationship if you are not careful.

Take cheating, for example.

What do you do when the other person betrays you?

Ms Chan Hoi Yin has up to 15 years of counselling experience and has received over 8,000 counsellors, and has heard too many stories about betrayal and cheating in their stories.

How to solve this problem?

In his book, Love, It Takes Learning, he gives three professional suggestions that can help people with similar troubles to quickly clear their minds, get rid of the gloom and build their happy lives sooner.

The first piece of advice is to not dwell on the reasons why the other person cheated on you, and just recognise the facts.

Many people are quite angry and quite distressed when they learn that their other half has cheated on them.

The anger comes from being betrayed by the other person's betrayal of the marriage contract, and also of their own psychological contract. When two people are attached to each other, the bond grows stronger and they work together unconsciously to maintain intimacy with each other.

When one partner is suddenly betrayed, it can be a huge psychological setback and shock for the other partner.

Many people naturally want to know why, why did he betray himself?

Is he not as good as the outsider? Or what didn't work well?

It is true that some intimate relationships break down because it is true that it is the problem of one of the parties himself, that he is really not good enough.

But, in the opinion of psychologists, what is called good or bad is more of a perceived bias towards what is not getting done.

The cheating thing is not a cause, but a consequence.

It either resolves a conflict that two people cannot balance, and through a third party achieves balance.

Either one party strengthens his or her power in the intimate relationship and enhances his or her position through the betrayal.

If you dwell excessively on the cause of the cheating, you are setting yourself up for a spiral of remorse, self-blame, shame and even despair.

Mr Chan Hoi Yin talks about how all intimate relationships have conflicts and problems, but not all conflicts and problems, will lead to cheating. What is more, it is not that partners in bad relationships will cheat, many partners in strong relationships will also cheat; it comes with a degree of surprise and uncertainty.

Cheating is both a human and a natural disaster.

Rather than thinking about the causes of cheating, it is more reliable to look at this outcome head on and find a solution.

The second suggestion: where does intimacy go from here?

As mentioned above, the reasons for cheating are too complex, random and definite, and it is too much work to think about them.

The most important thing we should think about is, what happens next? Where does intimacy go from here?

In fact, there is no standard answer to this question.

We all have our own considerations.

I've seen people who act as if nothing has happened and are still in love.

I've also seen people who hate each other so much that they don't see eye to eye and go their separate ways.

Some people forgive and let go, others hate each other for life and die.

Whatever you choose, it is up to you to decide.

However, in his book Love, It Takes Practice, Mr Chen Haixian says: "Don't rock the boat, wanting to break up but can't, wanting to make up but can't. As a result, you are indecisive and let the intimacy be torn back and forth in the process, constantly wearing down.

This is the worst thing you can do.

Once there is betrayal in an intimate relationship, the intimacy can go in one of these directions: to separate straight away, to stay together seemingly, or to repair the relationship and treat the betrayal as an interlude.

The first two scenarios are the most common and I won't go into them.

The last scenario, which is the most ideal way to cope with a relationship breakdown, is worth exploring.

To determine whether a relationship can be repaired, Ms Chan Hoi Yin sets two prerequisites: firstly, the betrayed party is willing to return to the family and break off contact with a third party.

The second is that the party who has been hurt can put aside his or her prejudices and reconnect.

If we meet these two conditions, then we can proceed to the third suggestion.

Recommendation three, four principles for building intimacy

Principle one, the party at fault has to look at his or her own mistakes and see the harm he or she has done to his or her partner.

The other party's pain and aggression needs to be seen, otherwise the other party will make you see it through arguments, cold wars, or even revenge.

If the party at fault downplays it and doesn't take it seriously, thinking that he or she has already returned to the family, so why are you still counting so much, the relationship cannot be completely repaired.

But in psychologists' counselling cases, it is very difficult for the cheating partner to see deeply the hurt that his or her partner has suffered, because without seeing the partner's wounds, no real repair can be done.

Ms Chen Haixian points out that in order for a relationship to be repaired as soon as possible, the hurt must be faced head-on and understanding can happen.

Principle two, the cheating partner takes the initiative to take responsibility for repairing the relationship

This is a good point to understand.

Whoever is wrong, takes the initiative to admit it and make amends.

The betraying party cannot throw the blame on the other party, but has to see the hurt for himself and ask for forgiveness.

In real life, the cheating partner sees that his or her partner reacts violently and unforgivingly. When he or she is even unreasonable, he or she feels physically and emotionally exhausted and will say things like, "If you want to stay together, I agree. If you want to get a divorce, I'll agree, you can have the house and I'll die alone."

This sounds fine, but in fact it is a veiled blackmail.

The subtext is: do what you like, that's all I'll do.

Especially if the injured party in an intimate relationship is not financially and mentally independent, most people who hear these words will be furious, but there is nothing they can do about it.

If the betrayer wants to make up from the bottom of his heart, he should say something like this: "I was wrong and I will be there for you no matter what you do. I can understand all your actions and I will do everything I can to bring us back together."

In the meantime, he needs practical action and enough patience to repair the broken relationship.

Principle 3: The cheated party has to set limits for his or her reaction

After an encounter with cheating, many people react violently and have a hard time getting over it in the long term.

However, if you don't intend to separate and still want to spend time together, you need to set limits for your own reactions.

For example, what are the things you ask the other person to do explicitly? Leave work on time, spend time with the kids on weekends? Taking care of household chores, etc.

In the short term, abstract relationships cannot be improved quickly, but concrete demands can be made.

Another example is that you don't have to use victimhood and use the cheating incident as a bargaining chip to enhance your voice.

The other person cannot be made to hold their head up for the rest of their life; such an intimate relationship is not equal and has no way of lasting.

Principle four, stop the fugitive mode.

Take a simple example.

After betrayal and cheating, the one who is hurt will become more sensitive and keep a close eye on the other's every word and action, leaving the other party breathless.

The other person will feel that there is no space at all, wanting to escape and opposing, and feeling guilty.

This is the time to stop the police chasing the thief-like "fugitive mode" in order to repair the relationship.

The at-fault partner can tell the other person their mobile phone password, allow them to check their phone, and take the initiative to report important daily events, which shows a sense of confession and respect. Whether the other party accepts or not, everyone stops the fugitive mode.

This is how Ms Chan Hoi Yin usually counsels both parties in an intimate relationship.

To the cheating party: You need to tell the other party that you are always there and that you need to do something to give them security.

To the hurt party: You can choose to follow your heart so you won't get hurt either, but it won't help you get your lover back. You can also choose to trust. You have to think about whether the relationship is worth the risk, and if it is, then try to trust and not make yourself anxious.

Emotional expert Esther has said that in this day and age, many people will go through multiple relationships or marriages. If you think of cheating as the end of your last relationship or marriage. Are you now willing to start another relationship or marriage with this same person in front of you?

If you are willing, no matter how hard it is, stick with it.

If you are not willing, then separate well and live your lives again.

Perhaps you are at a loss in an intimate relationship, arguing and disagreeing, miscommunicating, and you think that loving each other well is enough, but you do not know that love requires ability.

In her book, Love, Need to Learn, Ms Chen Haixian has a very good point: intimate relationships need to be managed, and how to manage intimate relationships needs to be learned.

We desire to love and be loved, but we neglect to realise that loving someone requires wisdom and method.

This book is the perfect guide to building quality intimate relationships and solving the headaches of arguments, cheating and betrayal.