What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a powerful attachment that forms between a person and someone who intermittently harms and “rewards” them. The cycle of idealization (charm, love-bombing), devaluation (criticism, threats, manipulation), and brief “repair” (apologies, gifts, affection) creates an addictive bond.

- Why it’s sticky: Intermittent reinforcement wires the brain for craving; stress and relief release cortisol, dopamine, and oxytocin together, pairing danger with “love.” Isolation, fear, shame, and financial/spiritual dependency deepen the bond.

- Common signs: Excusing or minimizing abuse; feeling “addicted” to the person; intense anxiety or longing when you try to leave; walking on eggshells; loss of identity; absorbing their narrative (“It’s my fault”); others are worried for you.

How the Bible addresses it (though it doesn’t use the term)

- God hates oppression and violence; he defends the harmed.

- “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed” (Psalm 9:9; 10; 72; 82:3–4; Isaiah 61:1–3).

- “Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways” (Proverbs 3:31).

- Scripture names coercive, manipulative people and tells us to avoid them.

- “Have nothing to do with” abusive, treacherous people (2 Timothy 3:1–5).

- “Make no friendship with a man given to anger” (Proverbs 22:24–25).

- “Avoid them” when they cause harm and division (Romans 16:17; Titus 3:10–11).

- Beware “wolves in sheep’s clothing” (Matthew 7:15–20).

- God provides examples of wise separation and safety, not enabling.

- David fled Saul’s spear and kept his integrity (1 Samuel 19–24).

- Abigail acted wisely to protect her household from Nabal’s abuse (1 Samuel 25).

- Paul escaped violent plots and moved on (Acts 9:23–25; 14:5–6).

- Jesus withdrew from murderous crowds (John 7:1; Luke 4:28–30).

- Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.

- Forgiveness releases vengeance to God (Romans 12:19); reconciliation requires genuine, demonstrable repentance and safety (Luke 3:8; 2 Corinthians 7:10–11).

- Ephesians 5:11: “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

What this means for someone in a trauma bond

- Your attachment doesn’t mean you’re weak or complicit. It reflects how your nervous system adapted to survive. God meets you with compassion, not shame (Psalm 34:18).

- You are permitted—and often called—to set firm boundaries or leave to protect life and dignity (Proverbs 4:23; Matthew 10:14, 16).

Steps toward breaking a trauma bond (faith + wisdom + support)

- Safety first:

- If there’s danger, create a safety plan with a domestic-violence advocate. Hide copies of documents, set code words, plan exits. In immediate danger, call emergency services.

- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, thehotline.org. If outside the US, search your country’s DV hotline or ask me for region-specific resources.

- Get skilled help:

- Trauma-informed therapy (e.g., EMDR, CPT, TF-CBT) and DV-specialized counseling. Avoid couples’ counseling while abuse is ongoing; it can increase risk.

- Consider medical support for sleep/anxiety as needed.

- Reduce the hooks:

- No-contact or strict, documented low-contact (if children are involved). Block cycles of love-bombing and devaluation. Don’t debate; keep messages brief and factual.

- Expect “withdrawal” feelings; they are normal and temporary. Delay big decisions during surges of craving or fear; lean on your support network.

- Rebuild truth and identity:

- Name reality: write a pattern log of incidents. Share with one or two safe people.

- Renew your mind with Scriptures of dignity, protection, and God’s steadfast love (Psalm 27; 31; 56; Isaiah 41:10; Matthew 11:28–30).

- Lament honestly; God receives your tears (Psalms 13, 55).

- Church and accountability:

- Seek leaders who understand abuse. Matthew 18 applies when it’s safe and appropriate; church discipline centers on protecting the vulnerable (Psalm 82:4), not pressuring victims to reconcile.

- True repentance shows consistent fruit over time, including surrendering control, accepting consequences, and submitting to oversight (Luke 3:8; 2 Corinthians 7:11).

How to support someone in a trauma bond

- Believe them; don’t shame or rush them. Offer practical help, safe housing, accompaniment to appointments, and patient presence.

- Avoid platitudes. Pray and speak truth, but let safety set the pace.

If you want, share a bit about your situation and location. I can help you outline a personalized, step-by-step plan and point you to local resources. You’re not alone, and there is a way out.

Julia O’Hara 2025

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