What is the difference between being real vs. reality

"I love you, I do I mean I care alot about you. But this will never last, because I am not IN love with you." This time I look directly into his eyes as I say these words, searching for a sign that he is understanding what this means. Instead he turns his head and asks me again, how I could be doing this to him. After all he has stuck through with me. Is that not part of being in a relationship? It took me a while to actually understand even in my own past, why we use that as an a way of showcasing our own narcissistic belief of ones entitlement. As if the other should have felt lucky we showed them an y amount of attention and care. How dare we see ourselves so proudly and vain.

I laughed it off, expressing my shock that he would insult me with that line. Then a slew of rash hurtful remarks I began to spear him with. Knowing exactly where to strike to inflict the slightest marks that would take the longest time to heal from. Attacks on his immaturity, his need to feel appreciated and lack of sexual arousals I never felt each time I forced myself to lay with him. Humiliating him I just knew he would want to swing at me or decide he deserved better and would walk out the door forever.

Quite the contrary, instead he reiterated how he would do anything possible to make me fall back in love with him. But it was never that way, I yelled, It was all a good time and lots of high nights. That we were destined to continue on different paths. I even threw out how his lack of a spiritual connection was another sign as to how he was unfit to lead someone like me. How the age gap between us was never going to allow me to see him remotely on a leveled playing field. The lack of motivation, the blank slate within his mind and no idea as to what he wanted to achieve in this life could not provide the strength I needed to pursue a long term partnership with.

Now, whose sounding proud, and haughty? Who the heck do I think I am. Knowing internally how painful it felt to take in the spells I spewed out of my evil lips. This was not proper mannerism for a civilized individual. This was not how a woman should speak to a man, this is not how a human should engage with another. But I immersed myself into the waste I sat atop of. I longed to withdraw each statement, while aware of the power we possess and the reckoning the universe would cast back at me through the karmic laws. i tried to reason with my spirit that we once set on the receiving end, and now was the chance to help build someone else by breaking them first.

He will be better after this, he will find someone to love him the way he deserves after me. My heart knew he was a great man, that he had opened my eyes and showed me just how valuable I was and what love could look like. Even so, I knew without a doubt that this covenant was not established on a foundation planted in soil to produce nothing more than sorrow and ultimately death. We were not matched to pursue decades together.

We had extended the time allotted and now have endured the loss of a child, physical body ailments, separation from friends, abandoned our life dreams and suffered the consequences from the disobedient actions we initiated. Continuing on a course not meant to be tread upon again.

"I can't live without you, I wont live without you." he cries out. "I know I can make you love me." The fear growing inside with each breath he exhales. "It doesn't matter, I am not doing this any longer, I want to more than this life you see." The only way I could ever leave is I must hate you to move on, and that's not easy for me to do. " What did he mean have to hate me? Why, do breakups have to end in more pain? Why do we think in order to move forward we have to despise what was our past? I do not wish to feel hated or hatred.

But if this is what he needs how can I provide that type of experience? Sleeping with other partners did not do it. I do not lie or hide my thoughts or emotions. No matter how harsh or selfish they can appear. And still he refuses to see anything else of me but love. "Its late, I say, "you have to work in the morning."

I lie under the covers, and aim my ass into his direction, he turns off the lights climbs in bed behind me, and in robotic programming begins to massage my rear and soothe me off to sleep. "I meant what I said, whispering as I fade into the dark of my eyelids. "Mm hmm", he replies. As the silence consumes I sense his grinning face behind me.

You win this time, but the end is guaranteed to take place. We have ignited the light inside our minds that will ultimately cultivate an outcome of our desires. Foes we have become, but comfort we now provide each other in through the night.