What I Lost When I Chose Myself (And Why It Was Worth It)

Choosing yourself is often celebrated as the ultimate act of bravery and self-care. It’s a mantra repeated in wellness circles and social media posts: “Put yourself first.” “Choose you.” “Love yourself unconditionally.” But the truth behind those words is far more complex and often messy.

When I finally decided to choose myself—to set boundaries, prioritize my needs, and honor my feelings—I didn’t just gain confidence and peace. I lost things too. People, roles, relationships, and parts of my identity quietly slipped away. Some losses felt like heartbreak. Some were unexpected. But every one of them was necessary.

The Weight of People-Pleasing

For years, I lived trying to please everyone else. I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” I took on emotional burdens that weren’t mine. I dimmed my light because it was easier to avoid conflict. Choosing myself meant breaking free from these patterns.

But this freedom came at a cost.

Friends who didn’t understand my new boundaries pulled away. Some relationships frayed and ended. I lost the safety net of approval and the comfort of being needed. People who only loved the version of me who was always available stopped recognizing me.

At first, the loss felt like rejection. Like punishment for finally putting myself first. But I realized it was something else—clearing space for authenticity and healthier connections.

The Cost of Authenticity

Choosing myself also meant telling hard truths I had been avoiding for years. It meant admitting when I was unhappy, overwhelmed, or needed space. I stopped pretending to be what others wanted me to be.

This vulnerability was terrifying.

Some people recoiled from the real me—the me that said, “I need help,” or “I’m not okay today.” Others grew uncomfortable because I was no longer the “perfect” friend, partner, or coworker.

But as painful as that was, I also began to experience a different kind of connection: honest, deep, and nourishing. The kind that doesn’t demand masks or roles.

Letting Go of Old Identities

Sometimes, what we lose isn’t a person but an identity.

When I chose myself, I let go of being the “helper,” the “fixer,” the “peacekeeper.” These roles had felt safe because they gave me purpose and approval, but they weren’t truly mine.

Shedding these identities felt like losing parts of myself. It was scary because these roles had shaped how I saw the world and my place in it.

But it was also liberating. Without these masks, I was free to discover who I really am beneath the expectations.

Why It Was Worth It

Despite the losses, choosing myself gave me something priceless: freedom.

Freedom to say no without guilt.

Freedom to set boundaries that protect my energy.

Freedom to pursue my dreams and care for my well-being.

Freedom to be imperfect and still know I’m worthy.

The losses felt like deaths—endings that shook my foundation. But on the other side was life. A life where I was no longer living to meet everyone else’s needs but living to honor my own truth.

What I Gained

In choosing myself, I gained:

A deeper, kinder relationship with who I am.

Clearer boundaries that preserve my mental and emotional space.

Authentic connections that nurture rather than drain me.

The courage to face discomfort rather than avoid it.

A sense of peace that comes from living honestly.

Choosing myself was less about selfishness and more about survival, growth, and healing.

How to Prepare for the Losses

Choosing yourself is an act of courage—and it often means grieving what you lose.

If you’re thinking about making this shift, prepare for the following:

Loneliness — It’s normal to feel isolated when you break old patterns.

Resistance from others — Some will resist or push back because your change challenges their expectations.

Self-doubt — You may question if you’re making the right choice.

Grief — You may mourn the person you were or the relationships that fade.

These feelings are part of the process, not signs to stop.

A Reminder: Loss Is Part of Growth

Growth always demands some form of loss. The caterpillar loses its form before becoming a butterfly. We lose old parts of ourselves so new parts can grow.

What I lost when I chose myself was painful—but necessary. Because without loss, there’s no space for newness. Without ending, there’s no beginning.

Choosing yourself means honoring that cycle—even when it hurts.

Final Thoughts

If you’re afraid of what you might lose by choosing yourself, know this:

Loss is part of the journey. It’s the price we pay for freedom and authenticity. But what you gain—peace, clarity, true connection, and self-love—makes the sacrifice worthwhile.

Sometimes, choosing yourself means losing others. But it always means finding you.