What I Learned From Happy Couples

I have met happy couples, whom you look at with admiration, but also unhappy couples, whose pain makes you sad. Couples who gave up on each other too soon because of unrealistic beliefs about love and family life.

Couples who, although they loved each other very much, had too many wounds from the past and failed to stay together. Couples who have gone through painful, traumatic experiences, and who have rebuilt their lives together in a way that has brought them even closer.

Women and men who have chosen loneliness or short relationships, without commitment, as a form of protection and who, after years of reflection, effort, and personal evolution, have regained the power to love.

Couples who understand that they are responsible for their unhappiness and that their well-being is in their hands, as is life together. And last but not least, couples who have become estranged and neglected their relationship on the altar of service and child care.

Here's what I learned from all these couples:

A couple of relationships means work. It does not come naturally and is not a measure of the intensity of love. It is a measure of the time and attention you put into the relationship. In other words, do you want to have a good relationship? You have to work hard.

Partners have flaws and imperfections.

It is a known fact: it is wise to know if you can accept or live with them, without living with the illusion that he or she will change "in the name of love." In the end, it is a compromise on both sides: your partner also tolerates and accepts your imperfections.

In conclusion, neither of us can live comfortably with someone who is always "dissatisfied" with the other or who is always "attentive to our mistakes because he wants the best for us."

Every couple has problems that they will not solve.

Here you have to distinguish between what is worthwhile and what is important and what is not worthwhile. Often, it's not worth intervening. How often have you regretted not stopping in time?

A good relationship is a relationship in which the partners do not avoid disputes, but, on the other hand, they know how to relate to differences without creating an irremediable conflict. Some couples are consumed by tension and stress from small things, from "nothing". It's not worth it. There are more valuable things that we can live together.

Both partners have other sources of fulfillment, be it work, passions, friendships. They do not get lost in the relationship: they are autonomous, they do not have unrealistic and exaggerated expectations from marriage and love.

How many adults do not give up, unfortunately, on them, and what was important to them when they are in a relationship? In the short term, it works. In the long run, it hurts. And there is a lot of frustration. Let's make room for longing.

Sex is a priority for the couple.

It is a biological and emotional need. Rejecting your partner because "I'm tired," "stressed," or "I'm not in the mood" creates frustration, resentment, and distance. Unfortunately, there are far too many couples who ignore this need, with various justifications: "Let's solve important problems first", "I'm upset, I can't just make love". These are just forms of avoidance. A fulfilled sex life is essential for the couple.

Time for the other. Beyond worries, routines, problems that can't be solved today, we need time spent together. Namely: small, frequent joys and pleasures, but which mean something to the other. Quality time.

Evolve together.

Inherently, life changes us. Certainly, things will not be the same as at the beginning of the relationship. A healthy couple grows at the same pace, with the same goals and values. It's like a dance. It takes two people to coordinate their movements in harmony. I pay attention to myself, but also the one next to me. My step affects him.

The partners complement each other.

Every meeting has its purpose. One of them is the chance of evolution: you choose a partner who has qualities that you do not have, but also that you can learn from him.

One partner is more sociable, another more withdrawn and anxious, one more orderly, another more disordered, one makes decisions quickly, another needs confirmations and analysis time for decisions. Naturally, everyone has something to learn from the other. The key is to complement each other.

Don't give up on your relationship and partner easily.

Often, in a time of crisis, the first thought is separation, divorce, comparisons: "Others have a better partner." I have met many adults who have given up too soon and made the same mistakes as their next partner. Naturally, because their problems were not solved with the change of partner.

Many ask me, "What if he/she doesn't want to change?" You make changes, and most often, and your partner will follow you. Maybe not right away, but after a while.

Get help early.

Many couples had this regret: they asked for help when it was too painful or too late. And then it's hard. Not impossible, but difficult. Ask for help from those you trust. Spend time with people who have a harmonious relationship.

To support and inspire you. Problems can be solved, and asking for help is not proof that "we are not fit" or "we no longer love each other, it's all over between us", but of courage and trust in the couple.