What does it mean to you that you want to cheat on your girlfriend?

When Svetlana - a 24-year-old screenwriter and filmmaker - saw her boyfriend after the first quarantine was over, she was surprised to realize that she did not want his company. They had been in a relationship for almost two years and had not met for seven months because of quarantine. And yet, she wanted more space than him.

"I did not feel that I loved him. And I did everything in my power to distance myself from him, to the point where I got cold, without explaining why. ”

But Svetlana came to understand her own emotions better when she met her roommate's girlfriend. "It simply came to our notice then. By her mere presence, she made me feel the same age as the universe. Magic!"

So Svetlana started exploring her queer side. "Nothing happened between us, but it was super hard for me to go through this period when I was really sick of cheating on him."

Research that has studied the dynamic nature of infidelity in relationships has had varied results. According to a 2017 study published in the journal ScienceDirect, infidelity is the leading cause of divorce, and men and women alike cheat. This result dismantled the popular stereotype that only men cannot control their sexual instincts. But then another study by the Institute for Family Studies (ISF) found that men tend to cheat as they get older, especially after the age of thirty.

In the documentary for her book Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation and Infidelity, author Alicia M. Walker interviewed 46 men who had cheated on their partners. He said that while it's devastating to find out you were cheated, it doesn't help to see things in black and white. "Many people cheat because their needs are not met and they don't want to live without them, but they don't want to give up a relationship that fulfills them on other levels," she said.

In principle, there is no wrong cheating and no wrong cheating. It is obvious that infidelity is a gesture by which you deny your partner the right to make an informed decision about the person with whom he has a relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting multiple sexual partners, but it is not okay to hide this information from someone who, if he or she knew it, would change his or her decision to be with you.

So, if you're tempted to cheat on your partner, here's how to handle it:

1. Stop blaming

Couple counselor Pallavi Barnwal said that not every cheating person is an aggressor and not every cheating person is a victim.

"We have to understand that infidelity is as old as marriage. If we think about the victim-aggressor binary pattern, we reduce everything to a game of accusations from which nothing constructive can come out. ”

Give yourself permission to have fantasies with other people - usually these fantasies are a sign that you are alive and have perfectly natural desires. But think about whether it's just a temporary attraction, a reminder to get more involved in your relationship or something deeper.

Councilor Shwetambara Sabharwal added that "it is harmful to blame yourself if you are thinking of cheating on your partner, because it does not help to judge you".

2. Choose your support system wisely

In Swetlana's case, the need to be with a woman while she was still in a relationship with her boyfriend made her understand the nuances of queer love and the fact that she is a queer person. But it took them a long time to come to that conclusion.

"All I knew was that I wanted to distance myself from him. I made the mistake of talking about it with my straight cis friends. Everyone told me to go on a date with the woman and forget about her if the date didn't go well. But when I talked to my queer friends about it, they told me that my emotions were perfectly valid. And I gave in nervously. "

He added that each relationship and the reasons for cheating have many nuances that cannot be understood by everyone.

"Likewise, if you are in a relationship with a person of a different religion than yours or a different race from yours, you need to talk about it with people who understand this dynamic. Every relationship has its triggers and every person has their own perspective on what infidelity is. ”

3. Communicate clearly

Shreya, a 25-year-old brand solutions manager, said she had begun to feel neglected in her relationship and the fact that she received a lot of attention from a coworker made her feel even more indifferent to her boyfriend.

"I did not deceive him, because the relationship is important to me. But I told her clearly why I felt neglected. In such situations, you can't be vague. You can't assume that your partner understands exactly what you want, even if it seems obvious to you. "

He added that it is essential to communicate in detail about the needs that you feel are not being met in your relationship. "Don't sweeten things, speak softly. Your partner needs to understand very clearly why you feel the need to cheat on him. ”

4. Analyze why you want to cheat

Barnwal said that the desire for a partner usually decreases after marriage or many years of relationship, and this is normal.

"In some cases, it may just be a fantasy. And fantasies can even revive a dead relationship. But it is still important to accept your fantasies and have a healthy dialogue with you and your partner about it. ”

Sabharwal, the couple's counselor, said it was essential to take an introspection and analyze what your needs were not met. "Do you have anything in the current relationship or are you looking for validation in another relationship? Be honest with yourself. Separate the facts from fiction. ”

5. Think about whether or not you are in a codependent relationship

Barnwal said that some couples become a single entity and lose their individuality and the concept of personal space.

"In a recent survey, many people told me that they prefer a codependent relationship (represented in category C in the diagram below). If you suffocate each other with love and obsession, it is normal to end up looking for space outside the relationship. You have to be honest and set healthy boundaries, ”she said.

Arvind, a 22-year-old lawyer, said that he was in a codependent relationship, in which his partner always needed the assurance that he would not cheat on her and would not leave her. "It simply came to my notice then. It had become a toxic relationship. In the end, we broke up. ”

6. Build a value system

Although Arvind felt the need to cheat on his partner because of her obsessive possessiveness, he still refrained. "I wondered if I really loved her, and the answer was always yes. It was a relationship based on love and respect. That stopped me from cheating on her. "

Sabharwal said it was very important to have a well-developed value system. "Not rigid moral conventions, but a value system that reduces pain and chaos, strengthens trust between partners, and helps you make decisions that don't sabotage you."

"For example, if I feel a strong need to cheat, but I appreciate my relationship and I know clearly what values it is based on, I can think twice before acting," she said.

"The value system helps us in relationships and in life in general. Even when you want to lose weight, you have to ask yourself what kind of life you want, what expectations you have of yourself. ”

7. Consider other ways of relating

Not everyone is made for monogamous relationships. You just have to be more discriminating with the help you render toward other people.

"Sometimes, giving up a relationship is a healthy step. The term infidel in series oversimplifies such behaviors. We need to understand why people end up cheating, not just judging them. ”

In some cases, the answer is an alternative model of relationship, from polyamory (several sexual and romantic partners with everyone's consent), to open relationship, swinging (exchange of partners) or queerplaton relationship (based on friendship and company, without sex) . Or you can find a new model that works for you.

"Use the desire to deceive in order to know yourself. You may be discovering something that will change your life for the better, ”Barnwal said.