What Do You Do When Your Best Friend Breaks Your Heart?

They don’t write songs about friendship and heartbreak. But the truth is friendship heartbreak is real and damn, it hurts.

When I was 22 years old, my best friend of five years — someone who I regarded as more of a sister than a friend — broke my heart. It took a long time to heal but I eventually made it through. And I know you can, too.

Here’s my story of friendship, heartbreak, liberation and some very powerful life lessons learnt.

So take a seat and let’s begin at the beginning…

Loss in the Library

It was the 29th May 2011 and I was pulling an all-nighter at my university library for my upcoming 2nd year LLB Law exams.

I remember that night so clearly; exchanging BBM messages (basically Whatsapp, before Whatsapp was Whatsapp) with my best friends throughout the night who were keeping an eye on me, and laughing because poor signal meant that our messages were making no sense; I remember a group of Chinese students sitting nearby and literally having a party in the library, laughing and talking way too loudly for that time of night… and then I remember getting a phone call from a family member at home, which completely startled me.

Why was someone from home ringing me at 5 am, when they knew I was spending the night revising in the library? I took my phone to the corridor outside the toilets and literally crumbled when said family member revealed the news that my dear uncle had just passed on from this world, after a long and arduous battle with cancer.

I felt my heart splintering as I gathered my belongings, shut down my computer and somehow stumbled down the steps and out of the library, seeing a blurred world through my teary haze.

What I didn’t know at that point was that my heart was to be broken even more in the days following my uncle’s death, by a girl who to me, was not just a best friend, but a sister — someone who I had literally shared my home, heart, family and everything in between with for the five years prior to this day.

My Best Friend

My best friend was someone who I had met in college/sixth form during a free period, and we more than quickly became best friends. We were at college together, worked together, chilled together — and when it came to university, I even gave up my place at my number one choice so we could both move away and go to university together in the same city. Stupid decision, now that I look back, but I was a young, naïve and scared fresher-to-be.

Anyway, as sour as things turned out in the end, we shared so many lovely, amazing and crazy times; from practically living together for almost two years to sharing a bed and taking trips away; there were many, many, many late nights, some early mornings and many an exciting day out (when we really should have been studying); we laughed together, we literally sobbed our hearts out together, we danced together, sang together and planned a future where we would be living on the same street as each other, with our respective husbands and babies, together.

So for all of that and more, I am so, so thankful — but I guess now, I am even more thankful for who I have become as a person since that friendship ended — a friendship that ended in the most unexpected of ways.

The Signs

Our friendship ending was always inevitable. Reflecting back, there were always signs that this friendship was not good for me. What is clear to me now is that I was filling a void in this person’s life along with many other people — as she and others were filling a void in mine.

Throughout our years of friendship, I was left hanging on many an occasion when a better offer came along. I was also made to feel like I was a bit weird for wanting to spend time alone (I’m pretty much 75% introvert, so time alone is sacred to me). I’ve always been quite a peace-loving person, trying to avoid conflict as much as possible — and again, I was made to feel like because I wasn’t the type to put my fists up and get into a fight, I was weak.

My point is that there were so many times where I simply wasn’t comfortable — but because we were so attached to each other, I didn’t recognise all these signs and just thought it was a normal part of friendship and shrugged and laughed things off way too often.

“But what actually happened?” I hear you ask. And although I don’t want to get too much into the little details, I feel like I do need to address how our friendship ended in order for this whole thing to make sense.

The Holiday

In early May 2011, a few weeks before my Uncle passed on, my old best friend and I had booked our first holiday away together, flying early June. To say that we were excited was an understatement! I for one just couldn’t wait to get my 2nd-year exams out the way and fly out for two weeks to Egypt, and I know she was probably even more excited than me — being in her final year and graduating that summer.

However, as you know, fate had other plans and my Uncle passed on from this world on the 29th May, just a few days before we were due to fly out. Our holiday was the least of my worries at this point, however, I did tell her that I most probably wouldn’t be able to go, as it was more important for me to be with family, and for her to look to see if she could find someone to take my place.

She didn’t waste any time at all, and on the day of my Uncle’s funeral, I got home to a message on my phone that she had found somebody else, already called the travel agent that we’d booked through and had all my details changed over to the details of whoever she had found.

I was shocked and taken aback that she’d done this without confirming anything with me, and also at the fact that the travel company had allowed her to do so, without my authorisation. My family at this point had told me to not worry and to go on my holiday, as there was nothing I could do by being home — but as you can see, it was too late.

In all honesty, at this point, I didn’t know what to do. I was grieving the loss of my uncle, trying to be there for my aunty and cousins as much as possible, but at the same time, I couldn’t push away these overwhelming feelings that I had quite obviously been stabbed in the back by my best friend; that a holiday was so much more important than being there for me, than my family’s loss and also that I wasn’t even worth consulting with when replacing me on my own holiday, paid for with my own money.

Anyway, it is what it is and she went away to Egypt for two weeks. In that time, I had time to think over what had happened and although I could see it from her point of view, I just couldn’t help but feel that what she had done was wrong.

When I confronted her over BBM on her return, it was as if she was ready for it, like she knew that what she had done was wrong but wanted to make out that it was anything but and it was actually me that was in the wrong and ‘crazy’.

Next thing I know, I am deleted and blocked from every type of communication possible — and that was literally it. A five-year friendship, over.

And to this day, we have never spoken to nor seen each other again.

The Aftermath

I was so, so angry and so sad and broken all at the same time. I didn’t realise that what I was really experiencing was heartbreak. Finally, I can admit I was heartbroken — and having gone through a romantic heartbreak just a couple of years prior to this, I can quite honestly say, this heartbreak hurt just as much, just in a different way.

I thought it was stupid to be so hurt over a friend, so I disguised my pain behind all sorts. But I was just so lost. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do. But what made it worse for me was the fact that from what I knew of her, she seemed to not care at all.

What I didn’t realise at the time was that she was one of the last people that God removed from my path, in order for me to see the road that led me to Him again.

This time of my life was a huge part of my awakening process. My uncle had just passed away after a heartbreaking battle with cancer, everyone that I loved apart from family had disappeared from my life, and I’d failed my second year of university and so much more.

But it was at this point when I was at my most lost, broken and confused, that I found myself down on my knees — in the perfect position to pray. And so that’s what I did. Every single day. Praying on my own accord because I truly wanted to was the first step for me in getting to know God again, building my own relationship with Him, and ultimately returning to the Truth that I always knew before the noise of this world drowned it out. But that’s a whole other story.

Despite this newfound sense of peace that I found in prayer slowly trickling through and into my life, I still felt a void where my closest friends had once been. You see, this was the main friendship that had ended but because of this one friendship ending, so many others did, too. Whereas I retreated into my shell when all of this happened, I think, from what I could see online through other people, for her it was the opposite.

She was suddenly hanging out with and going on holidays with every Tom, Dick and Harry that we both knew, and seeing this was really difficult for me. So for my own sanity, I deleted and blocked everyone on social media that was chilling with her, being tagged in pictures with her and checking into places with her.

I just couldn’t believe that after five years of sharing everything together, I didn’t mean anything to her anymore and that we had gone from being the closest of friends to the most distant of strangers in what seemed like just a matter of moments.

Trust the Universe

What I haven’t mentioned yet is that I also didn’t get back a single penny from the £500 I had paid to book the holiday. And for a poor university student, £500 really is a lot of money.

When all of this happened, my mum said to me, “don’t worry — whatever has been taken from you will return to you, but even better”, which reminds me of this Rumi quote:

“Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take its place”.

And now that I look back, as much as I was hurting, it was when I was suddenly completely alone that amazing things began to take shape in my life.

Among other things, my henna and art business really began to take off; my work in the British Asian Media and Music industry was bringing me so much joy and excitement as I attended events, wrote for different blogs, got involved in music PR, and began to learn how to DJ; I finally started taking my degree seriously; and new and amazing people were beginning to enter and re-enter my life, one of whom ended up being the man I am now married to.

My point is that my mum — and Rumi — were right and that life replaced whatever it took away from me, with even more and even better, and for that, I am just so thankful.

Lessons Learned

As the years have gone on, I have thought of her on many different occasions as once upon a time, these were occasions I thought she would have been around for… graduating, getting married, becoming a mother, moving abroad, losing my grandmother, and so much more.

And throughout these years, every time I thought I was healed or I’d completely gotten over it, something would happen (mainly very vivid dreams) to remind me that I wasn’t fully there yet. After all, I never got an explanation or an apology. It was like one day she just completely disappeared from my life without a trace — and I guess that has been one of the hardest parts of dealing with it all.

But thankfully now, all of these years later, I feel like I am there and I felt like now was the right time for me to share this. So here are the main lessons I learned through the experience of my best friend breaking my heart, that I share in the hope that they can help you too…

1. Know your worth

If there is a person or situation in your life that doesn’t make you feel good, then trust that gut feeling you get deep down, and leave. If you love yourself enough, then you will not stand for anyone or anything that makes you feel less than the spectacular human being that you are.

2. Nothing and no one belongs to you

It really is expectations that lead to disappointments. In this case, I expected my friend to be a certain way and when she didn’t fulfil that expectation, it was only me that got hurt. Love and be loved — but learn to know the difference between love and attachment.

3. Trust the signs

Before our friendship finally ended for good, we went through many ‘breakups’ beforehand. When the Universe is trying to show you that something is not good for you, pay attention and take heed.

4. Accept the truth of the situation

Understand that all people are inherently pure underneath everything. It is not the person, rather the action that can be labelled as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. In this situation, I know that what my friend did wasn’t ‘good’, but I also know that doesn’t make her a bad person.

5. Understand that all paths cross for a reason

As a huge believer in oneness and the idea that each and every one of us is connected, I truly believe that we invite certain situations into our lives on a soul level, to grow, expand and increase our consciousness. Because of this, people will come and go from our lives once their purpose in our lives has been served. Trust this process and never become so attached that once that person leaves, you break. Take the lessons and let these people go — especially from your mind and heart.

6. FORGIVE

I think this is the most powerful, most beautiful and most liberating lesson that I took from this whole situation. For so long, whether I was aware or not, I carried this pain around in my heart. For so long, I thought I was over it. It was only when I came to sit down on my prayer mat, raise my hands to the sky and ask God to help me to forgive her and all the other friends that left and let that part of my life go, that I was truly able to move on. Forgiveness will set you free — and that is the absolute truth.

Final Thoughts

For those that don’t know, I’m on a deeply spiritual path with what I believe is a purpose to serve and help others, while also reconnecting us to and reminding us of our original essence.

Since I was a child, I’ve always been searching for deeper meaning, and I know that every event, catastrophe, calamity and joy has led me to this path, a path which is answering every question I have ever had throughout my time here on earth.

I 100% trust the Universe and I understand that absolutely everything that has happened has come about in my life because on some level that is what I invited in — and all of it, every tear and every heartbreak, has led me here to this journey deep into myself.

And I tell you now, hand on my heart: I know that if I had stepped on that plane and gone on that holiday, I most definitely would not be the person that I am today — it was probably the biggest blessing in disguise I have experienced so far in my life.

I hold no grudges or resentment towards anyone that has caused me any suffering throughout my life because I know that we are all one. There are no friends and there are no enemies — in my heart, there is love for the whole of humanity, and it is only Love, on the deepest, purest level, that can transform our lives and our world.

So, a message to my old best friend, and anyone else from my past that is no longer in my life:

I love you.

I forgive you.

And I let you go.