Weird AF

I sat at my vanity sipping a wine, merlot, to be exact. Looking at my reflection in the mirror I thought, “what are you doing?”. Twenty-eight and I still get nervous about a first date? I feel like I could write a novel on these. All the horrible ones, all of the awkward moments and all of the let downs. Those were the worst to think back on. Having what you thought was a good time and then being “ghosted” was not something I relish the thought of.

If you couldn’t guess, I haven’t had much luck in the dating world. I’m not what you classify as a normal girl. By that, I mean I’m weird. I mean I don’t think I’m weird, but I hear it all the time. I like bright, colorful and funky clothes, I paint and draw weird designs, I like to watch Spongebob, etc. I’m basically a kid disguised as an adult. Around these southern parts, it’s custom to be married with at least two kids by my age right now. I can’t even get a second date, I don’t see any ring or children in the near future. That fact also makes me weird, at least to the people I know who are right on track with their lives, with a family. Listen, I know this about myself, don’t go feeling sorry for me. I guess I’m just trying to stick it out and really find someone who likes all the same stupid stuff that I do, or at least doesn’t think I’m weird for liking it. I’m fine with not settling, although I will admit it does get lonely sometimes. I have a dog, but you know what I mean. The connection is something I miss, the chemistry.

I continue to do my makeup, wondering why nothing seems to be working out the way I need it to go. My hair? Flat. My eyelashes? Too stiff. Geez, will he think this is too much highlighter? Probably. In all honesty, I was nervous because I was excited about this one. Something I’ve said way too many times, too early in advance. Have you ever felt like any time you mentioned someone you were excited about out loud to someone else, it jinxed it? I couldn’t count on both hands how many times this has happened to me, so I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. I finally decide on my outfit, a black dress from the 90s I found at a local boutique. Lowcut in the front and back, and a slit on the left side that shows my thigh tattoo. We decided to do something a little fancier that a normal date or first date, just to play it up a little bit. This, I think, is what gave me hope. Someone who liked to enjoy making fun out of life, even if it didn’t make sense to anyone else. At least this is the way I was romanticizing it in my head.

Still sipping on my merlot, there was a soft knock on the door. “Oh shit,” I thought, “here we go!” Opening the door and taking a step back, I almost trip. I quit, dear god let me just fall back an break my neck right here and now. Will it ever end?! He’s polite as can be, though he is laughing. I think that’s good, not awkward and also not an asshole. We’re still good! Maybe tonight won’t be so bad.

A few hours later, I’m walking back up the steps to my door. I can hear my dog on the other side, obviously excited to see me. I wish I could find someone that was excited to see me like my dog is. Anyway, the night went really well but what do I know? I always think that and yet I am still single. I kick off my heels and head for the kitchen to pour myself a nightcap, the last of the bottle of wine. Wine to unwind and overthink the entire evening. Did I talk to much? Did I not talk enough? Will my insecurities ever stop? I thought there was connection and chemistry, but only time would tell. I snuggles into my sweatpants, sweatshirt and my sparkly houseshoes and try to find something to watch on TV. My mind replays the whole evening, reading between every line that probably doesn’t even exist. I’m off in a daze when I hear a slight knock. It startled me, but I scurry to the door to look through the peep hole and it’s him.

“Hey, sorry this is awkward. I just sat in my car after you got out, trying to get enough courage to come and see if you’d like to do this again maybe tomorrow? I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to ask. I just want to know that I’m going to see you again.”

So, this is what is feels like, eh?