We Are Always Searching

One word is more clichéd than any other, love. We hear that damn word every day in movies, poems, and pathetic romance novels finding the perfect love. This Valentine’s Day of 2014, sucks as I work with decaying food in Safeway’s meat department. Smell of rotten meat being scanned for inventory of the meat barrels, unused meat. My eyes are pleased afterwards to see beautiful, white marble meat, uncut. The meat looks amazing like snow. Before I begin cutting into tri-tip, I see everyone fleeing on tip toes with over wasted roses that will be thrown away, 10-12 balloons for an added touch, turd shaped hearts of mashed chocolate , and the classic four-foot teddy bears. I remember being like that years ago, being in love and feeling I had everything. It didn’t become a fairy tale that ends so pretty, for me.

Everyone says senior year is the greatest year, but it’s only good if you’re truly enjoying it. I really didn’t like high school all that much, and looked forward to being done. It’s the last year to deal with all the drama and B.S. Only I found myself side tracked. That year, I had a true relationship with someone. I didn’t know this girl all that well, but a cute freshman caught my eye. I heard I Am Ghost singing, “Her beauty washes over me.”

Kristen Fulwiler had short sunflower hair, and light brown eyes that made my insides flutter. She was like no other. Each girl has a perk to make a guy go ga-ga, all of her beauty went to her eyes and hair. The energy she had amazed me. She didn’t have that bubbly feel, but more of that feeling of opening. It’s as if she just turned on a light and my world became brighter. Nothing made me think that this would go anywhere with her. First we were friends, we met in the hall at our school, from friends of ours. She didn’t know me that well plus only talked a couple of times here and there. I thought she was shy because she didn’t talk much to me, at first. Then she asked me to the Winter Formal dance.

We decided to hang out at the Hard Rock café in Harvey’s, at South Lake Tahoe’s Stateline. I was seventeen. I didn’t know where this place was in Harvey’s, so I waited at the front doors, looking so damn sexy for Kristen. A song from I Am Ghost was playing in my head, “Where we fell in love the haunting where we fell in love.” I was wearing a smooth purple shirt, vest, black bowtie, black pants, and black dress shoes. While I waited in a striking gentleman pose, standing straight with hands behind my back like someone in the army, the brigade of everyone in the casino was coming towards me. They asked me questions of “where’s this” and “where are these” in the casino. I squealed “I don’t work here.” I had moments of being a little evil and sending them in the wrong directions. It was obvious that I looked that damn good. Where everyone thought I worked here. After awhile, Jessie, Ashley, and Kristen found me. We headed into the café sitting near a wall with a shirt framed signed, by the lead singer of Sum 41. I Am Ghost starts playing in my head again, “Let’s us dine and dance the night away.”

The four of us sat and looked over the menus. I saw there was a nice juicy bacon burger with pineapple. Jessie got fries and soda, while the girls got three smoothies of strawberry and blueberry, the third one they shared. The waiter took our orders, then the three of them told me a story, of what they ran into on their way here to Harvey’s. Kristen said that Jessie and Ashley found a box of four or five week old kittens. They were all in a box on a sidewalk and alone. Ashley told me that she and Kristen heard noises and found them, meowing like no tomorrow. They called the animal shelter, while Jessie used his vest to keep the kittens warm. Ashley looked at Jessie all tender heartedly. Our orders came and we continue talking. I rubbed Kristen’s leg with my foot just to tease, behind her calve. She didn’t say anything, though I saw a smile. Geez she looked beautiful in that dark velvet dress.

The spike of adrenalin gave me more confidence. I was being washed over her beauty. I gave no thought towards her. Who would want to be with a six-foot giant, anyway? I mean she’s five-foot five. Yet it didn’t matter. On the dance floor, we melted ourselves away, both of us unaware of anyone else. Jumbling, in my head I heard, “Kiss her eyes to the sun and then melt away because that is who we are. Are we searching, are we searching for you?” For I Am Ghost still kept playing in my head. After the dance finished, I wanted to ask her out, though she beats me to the punch line. I won’t forget that kiss, for that night I was sent flying. I laid down in my bed that night, unable to sleep, haunted by a her kiss. Her kiss filtered through my mind and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop smiling either, my chest glowed and burned. Even in my dreams she managed to still be kissing me.

Nothing could be taken away from me that night. What could there be? I went to a dance with friends and a gorgeous girl. Going home that night, I truly slept where a dream could be true. Though the first hour became impossible, for I kept thinking of that kiss like an unbreakable puzzle. In the morning, I went onto my Face book account and saw she changed her status to “relationship.” I figured that since she asked me out, kissed me, and went to a dance with me it was settled and we were officially dating. It was official on Face book and in life. The first week, I felt nervous for I haven’t been in a relationship in a while. For my last two Exs, they just used me and cheated on me, and felt as though I was going to have trust issues. It sucked that we didn’t have time to talk at school, though we made it up with talking two hours each night. It didn’t matter what the conversation was about as long as I heard that sweet harmony voice of hers.

After the first month, I told her with cold feet and numbing knees I love her, and I swear I sprouted wings when heaven cheered down at me, “I love you too.” Oh this, was the happiest time of my life.

One time, I was at her house and she made me lunch whatever I wanted. She insisted, “I really don’t mind.” She said, though might have been mistaken. I ate a peanut butter and jelly tortilla. When she looked at me was priceless; with wide eyes looking at me and her opened, surprised at me. I thought she had heard of strange food but realized I hadn’t told her much about me.

The next hour went off with me telling her of all the crazy, whacky, and bizarre food combinations I have done within the year. I made a ham sandwich with salami, cow tongue burrito, and frosting on banana bread. She was impressed and not so surprised; she knew I was on the swim team and ate like a bottomless pit. I would swim for twelve hours a week and have endless hunger, eating whatever looked or tasted good; when I would be done with any meal I would get hungry two hours later.

“Are you still hungry?” She quickly knew it was the wrong question to ask. I ended up eating about five or six of those peanut butter and jelly tortillas. There was the possibility that I ate all her tortillas.

That day, we were going to the pool to hang out; before we did, Kristen took me to the Sierra Elementary school. It was Saturday and no one was there. We played and messed around, having the time of our lives. The playground was too small for me, not really a good idea for a giant to be doing. Each time I went down the slide I either get or almost fallout from the slide. There were moments where I thought my weight would break the slide. I felt squeezed in the fences of the playground center, touching my sides if I leaned left or right. She laughed at me each time I got stuck in the slide, or pushed me off accidently.

Then a question came into my head, “How would you feel if I went college in a different state?” This relationship was becoming serious and knew she needed to know. I liked where this was heading and would do anything to keep it.

“Would you tell me?” She asked, she looked like I was going to leave her. Her voice was hesitant and eyes glued on me for desperation. I didn’t want to give her that impression. I reassured her that I was going to LTCC first, then decide from there. I took her in my arms while she rested her head on my chest. I told her, “I’m still going to be here and I won’t leave without you.” The mid afternoon sun gave nice warmth as she calmed her worries over me, knowing I was here holding her and meant it.

There came a moment when we sat on a blue table made of chains, realizing just how much I truly loved Kristen. I took her in my arms, “This is the happiest I’ve been in my life, and I’m glad you’re in it.” I said, feeling as though I were to suddenly die or if it was my last day on earth. It was something she needed to know and it ached against my chest. She grabbed my hair as we lay on the table, kissing with ember passion, feeling the comfort of her other hand on my cheek. Till we heard a little kid says, “Mommy, mommy look.” We bolted up and ran to the nearest building to continue kissing.

The pool became my punishment, I believe, or a test of our relationship. I didn’t realize the pool wasn’t chlorine but a salt water pool. After the first hour and a half of making out with Kristen and having her friend Aubrie hanging out with us, my eyes started to burn. It was a pain I had never felt before; rushes of waterfalls came out, as if someone put something acidic in the lids of my eye. Steam was coming out of my eyes, like burning coals put in water I flew into the bathroom to wash my eyes out. Each time I would come out of the restroom, testing my vision from washing my eyes, a series of flash frames appeared. First, no one appeared and my vision filled with blur. Second, Kristen asking if I was okay…nope, I wasn’t. Third, I wanted to believe I was high, even though I wasn’t or my vision betraying me, I saw Aubrie and Kristen back in the pool. Aubire was on Kristen’s shoulders, reversed, with literally Kristen’s face between Aubries legs; I see Aubrie smile giddily. After the fifth time I finally came out, having hysteria running through my mind and a worried Kristen asking every five minutes if I was okay. It didn’t help my eyes, of meeting her dad the first time, on the same day, and giving me the old “kill you if you hurt my daughter” cliché speech. It wasn’t until I got home and took a good hour long nap, that my eyes breathed life again.

Then I gave her a call, “Well it looks like I’m going to live.”

“Are you really okay?” She asked, still sounding worried. I asked her about Aubrie being on her shoulders, she told me that it did happen and were just messing with me.

“Yes, I can feel my eyes again and they’re not burning. I love you beautiful!”

“I love you too weirdo.” She hung up, finally knowing that she could sleep.

The next month flashed on by without a blink to spare. Senior project doing graphic designing of making a poster and chat book was almost done, state swim meet coming up soon, and college coming up. I heard there was a black light dance at the high school. I had a swim meet the next morning and I was already tired. I wanted to do my best for the meet and be at my best.

I got a phone call from Kristen that night. Nothing prepared for what the dictionary terms could say. She told me, “We need to break up.” I wanted to say “What the hell?” though I got interrupted, “We’ll talk tomorrow about it.” Two days later: she said that she was being unfair and overcrowding me to do everything. I couldn’t tell whether she meant hanging out, talking, or my time. I told her several times that she wasn’t being unfair at all. I pleaded and begged for her to reason with me, and asked her what her heart felt. The two freaked me out like my world was shattering logic and everything wasn’t right. She didn’t know what she felt, told me she didn’t know anything about love and ended it there. My heart collapsed punctured by ten thousand needles.

So now here I am working on this pathetic day. Still thinking of that time where everything was good and of the haunting where we fell in love. Though I have to say being with someone for two months is a life time. If I have to say my version of love, it’s you show love for this person every waking day, and to always keep searching for that girl who changes your world. Just not in front of a meat counter where I’m staring at you love birds kissing, waiting to know how much bacon you want. When I’m cutting up a heart sized tri-tip into tiny cub pieces.

“Excuse me!”