Walk Away

TW: Abuse, PTSD, Anxiety and Toxic Relationships

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Recently I've been finding it harder to deal with my own internal monologue and that may be due to the lockdowns Britain keeps getting put into. Although I wrote it at a time when I felt unsafe and scared (and I still feel like that at times) I think we could all learn a lesson from it.

"And so while it was visible all along, and I knew deep down that I wasn’t happy, it took that final bit of pain. One more snide comment from you, for me to make the best decision I ever made. To walk away. I’m leaving. Fuck you. Watch me walk out that door knowing I couldn’t give less of a shit about making you happy anymore. All I am choosing to focus on now if my recovery. Being able to walk past you in a corridor, know what you did to me, and not crumble to the floor. I am not a toy you get to play with anymore. All you ever did was break me bit by bit. While Rome may not have been built in a day, you’re about to see how quickly I can put my defences back up. Goodbye." - Rome Wouldn't Fall, So It Burned by Kira Green

Sometimes people can't see what's right in front of them. I've been telling people to get out of abusive relationships my entire life because they're so easy to see WHEN YOU'RE NOT THE ONE IN THEM. I never thought I'd end up with this victim complex where you pick one abuser after another, but it's so hard to get out of. But you know what, it takes that final bit of pain, that final kick up the arse and they will leave.

Choosing to focus on yourself and your recovery is one of the bravest things you can do. When you've been through an abusive relationship you fake 90% of your personality as well as the persona you present to everyone else. You have to relearn who you are. This is usually done alone. I have so much respect for people who've been through worse than me and have come out the other side stronger. I'm nearly two full years into recovery and I still burst out crying sometimes just because something so small has reminded me.

You have to learn that it's OK to love them and hate them at the same time. You have to accept that you had a close bond with that person, but they abused that closeness and betrayed your trust - and that's why you left. You spend a lot of time analysing your own thoughts and correcting behaviours you learned.

I think it's always important to remind people, especially coming up to Christmas, that just because people are related to you - doesn't make them essential. Only you get to decide who you want in your life. Family doesn't make them instantly immune. It is up to you to choose where your boundaries are. This is going to blow your mind, but if someone tries to hug you, and you don't want that - then don't! You calmly say, I don't feel like a hug right now, sorry. You don't have to give any explanation more than that.

Boundaries are something we often forget to set up and when we're forming new relationships, whether that be in the workplace, our love lives, our friendships, it can become a downfall. They're there to make you feel safe and happy. It's also a quick way to weed out the 'unsafe' people as they often won't respect boundaries.

I hope my poem helped some people and I hope you go away and start figuring out whether you're satisfied with the boundaries you've set in your lives.

Thanks for reading!

Kira