Turn the Page

Written words have always consumed me. From the time I could read until now, I have always loved the way written words could perfectly express something that your lips just could not say.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always deeply buried in books. My parents used to joke about not being able to afford to keep me in books. I definitely could have picked up cheaper hobbies I have now realized as an adult, but I've always found it hard to find a book that I did not absolutely love. Chapter after chapter, the pages would consume me and my favourite titles were always worn out. I was utterly obsessed with the idea of love from a very young age, partly due to my obsession with books.

Regaining the parts of yourself that have been lost after the end of a serious romantic relationship has been a challenge for me. Relationships are really not supposed to be hard. One of the most challenging lessons I had to learn in this life was allowing someone to break up with me. The entire process took almost three days for us to officially break up. That sounds crazy to me as I write it out, but at the time I was seventeen years old and so crazily attached to my high school best friend after we had tried to help a suicidal friend of ours after their attempt. We had gotten together for the wrong reasons back then. I don't think we could really understand the emotions that we were both experiencing at the time as we were so young.

When he wanted to break up, I had felt used. I felt used for intimacy as I was his first. I have struggled with relationships and intimacy after that relationship because of how used I had felt. I jumped from relationship to relationship after that breakup. It taught me an important lesson on this journey though.

You are allowed to break up with someone. If someone is not beneficial for your mental health, you do not have to be in a relationship with them. Read that last statement again. You do not have to stay with someone if it negatively impacts your mental health.

Even though our relationship was brief, it was so hard to lose my high school best friend in my last year of school, when I really needed him the most. But I couldn't process my hurt feelings. It wasn't until I found someone I wanted to raise a family with that I finally started to understand where my friend was coming from. It was a turning point for me, processing that loss back then. Because you are allowed to break up with someone that is not good for your mental health.

Something that I had caught myself telling my Grandmother earlier this year, something that deep down I have forgotten that I had myself.....

"You have more of a voice than you realize. And you should not be ashamed to use it."

Thinking about that statement now, I wonder where my own voice went. I still have no idea where it went off to, but slowly and surely, I will find myself again. I am working very hard to regain a sense of my old self after the ending of my last serious relationship.

You are allowed to walk away from people who are no longer good for your mental health. Read that statement again. You are allowed to walk away from people who do not benefit your mental wellbeing. Even if it feels like it is the wrong choice to make, ultimately your personal happiness is more important. If taking care of your mental health means letting someone down, then you let them down.

Chloe Rose Violet