i try to distract myself. i try to do everything possible to not think of you. i work, i read, i paint, i play games, i listen to music, i go on walks that last for hours - i do everything in my power to not think of you. i fill my days with noise and motion just to avoid the deafening silence of you. but it feels impossible because you’ve got a hold on me so deep it feels like i can’t stare at myself in the mirror without thinking of you. its as if you live in my skin now. i can’t say my name without yours being attached to it. it’s like our names are tethered, like mine cannot be said without dragging yours behind it. i can’t even remember what i was like before you. the version of me that existed before i loved you feels like a stranger now. i can’t stay in my room because it’s where i fell in love with you. i can’t play the sims because you’re on there and i can’t make myself delete that world because it’s the only place you and i are together. it’s the only place you and i have kissed. it’s the only place you and i have held hands. even if it’s fake, it’s all i have left. i do everything in my power to go a minute without thinking of you, yet you are still at the forefront of my mind, imbedded in there as if you are a part of my frontal cortex. you’re in every thought, every dream, every decision. i can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t smile without faking it. i don't understand how you have hurt me so deeply yet i still think of you as the greatest person alive. i hold you on a pedestal so high that even i can't reach it. you've ruined it and i still can't seem to take you down. i would say there is a small part of my heart that i have named after you, but that's a lie, my whole heart has your name carved into it. not just carved—engraved. burned in. sometimes it feels like it even beats for you. i used to think of you every time it felt a little hard to breathe but now thinking of you makes me feel like i'm suffocating. it used to be comfort, now it’s pain. i look at pictures of myself and i don’t recognise myself anymore, i don’t understand how i was so happy at one point. it feels so cruel to grieve you when you're still breathing. i don’t know how to fix myself. i don't even remember myself before you. i don't know how i was okay without you. i feel broken in ways i can’t explain. i wonder what all the other girls must have had for you not to break ties with them so violently like you did with me. what made me so easy to discard? i know i am not enough but i just wonder - is it because they were prettier than me? did they have lighter eyes? lighter hair? lighter skin? please, tell me. i can’t change the colour of my eyes or skin or hair but i can mould everything else about myself to be the one you want. i can carve myself to be the girl of your dreams. i would do it happily if it would make you want me again. i would do it in half a heartbeat. do you realise what i would do for you? i would let you defile my body, step all over it, cut it to shreds. i would let you reduce me to atoms. anything you want to do to me, you can. i promise. i am yours. i belong to you. just utter the word and i would lay out my life before you. please just tell me what to do, please. because i don’t know how to do this without you, how do i do this?
About the Creator
sumiya akter
just my thoughts
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exhausting
people treat you so badly when they know you love them. they take advantage of it when it’s 3am and they need someone naive to manipulate and easy enough to pass the time with. they just need an empty body to entertain their fantasies. and you oblige every time, because it’s the only time you can have them and although the attention is fleeting, at least they want you. the aftermath doesn’t matter. when you’re left to tend to the wounds they’ve left on your skin, to pick up the pieces of yourself off the floor and act as if you aren’t shattered. the love you gave so willingly is tossed aside like it’s garbage, like always. he won’t even look you in the eyes unless you’re uttering absolute filth with a gasping breath. he only thinks about you in the middle of the night when the frustration is too much. he doesn’t kiss that space behind your ears anymore. doesn’t kiss you goodbye. pushes your hand away when you touch him like it’s fire to his skin. he stopped caring. stopped calling. stopped asking. it’s easy to do so when it’s you. so you ignore the sickness in your stomach and bottle up the sadness. you tell yourself it’s not repetitive. tell yourself you’re not doing this again. but you cried all the way home and you cried all night. he doesn’t know. the vacant stares into the walls at 3am have become all too familiar, all too comforting. he won’t come to you when all you can think about is being 6 feet under and he is the only person who can bring you comfort because the truth of the matter is, he doesn’t think you’re worth it, you’re not worth the time, not worth the drive, not worth anything. you’ve been here before. you know this feeling all too well. the yearning. the heartache. it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel empty. makes you feel dirty. it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t recognise the emptiness in your eyes, he tells himself she’s just tired and goes ahead and takes what he wants because she’s always tired these days. and everything is always on his terms. there’s no anything. no care. you’re an afterthought. if that. he goes about his day and acts as if you don’t exist. you wish you didn’t. you are always too much. too much. too much. too much. you should be less. less wanting. less affectionate. less caring. that’s why there is always another. someone else who says the perfect thing, does the perfect thing, looks perfect, is perfect. do you recognise yourself in the mirror anymore? when those empty eyes stare back at you? do you smile with your eyes anymore? did you ever feel like you weren’t hard to love? you’ve always felt it. i know you have. you’ve bled and cleaned up the remains from the floor so many times that even the floors pity you - so many years later yet the same feelings tear you apart. and no one understands so you have always been a little too understanding. a little too considerate. because you know, you know it is exhausting being so unlovable. so exhausting to be unwanted. so exhausting to be alive when you’re you. were you ever doing this for yourself? do you know who you’re even doing it for? do you know what being loved even feels like? do you have any idea? do you know what it’s like to be wanted, not just for your body but for all of the scars, the thoughts, the sadness? to be loved unconditionally? to not try to earn someone’s love? to be hurt by people and be able to tell them because you aren’t so deathly afraid of being left? to not feel as if your entire being is a burden? do you think you’ll ever feel it? do you?
By sumiya akter3 years ago in Humans
Positive Things People Have Said About Me From A To Z
I never forget when people describe or analyze me in a positive way. On my 80th birthday on July 23, 2025, I reflected on all those positive words people have shared with me over the years. The positive descriptions are compilations from authority figures, physicians, teachers, counselors, therapists, pastors, employers, students, friends, and family members. You will see in the following capsules below many of the positive words and expressions people have used to describe me.
By Margaret Minnicks5 days ago in Humans
Bruce Lee and The God of War: Kuan Ti
It starts with love.. The Power to the God Of War and Wealth Walk into a Chinese restaurant (even in Oklahoma, USA), a Chinese police station, a kung fu martial arts studio or even a Chinese temple and you often see a red faced warrior holding a heavy quan-do (spear like weapon).
By WILD WAYNE : The Dragon King6 days ago in Chapters
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