sumiya akter
Bio
just my thoughts
Stories (9)
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the loop. Top Story - November 2025. Content Warning.
no one stopped. no one stopped and looked at me with care in their eyes when they found out. they looked at me with apathy and said they didn’t worry because my wounds weren’t as deep as someone else’s. they said they weren’t deep enough to do anything. so i went home and sliced through my skin and spent hours in the bathroom because the only solace i felt was in there. they looked at me and asked, why? i didn’t say anything, i could barely force myself to breathe. so they slapped me, again, why? my lips trembled, my palms sweat. how do i tell them that there are so many things creeping into my mind, into my head, into my heart that i couldn’t cope anymore, that breathing hurts, existing hurts, that i just want to be dead. how do i voice how much i want to disappear. so i say, i don’t know, another slap. this time it makes my ears ring. i pray they hit me harder.
By sumiya akter2 months ago in Humans
try
i try to distract myself. i try to do everything possible to not think of you. i work, i read, i paint, i play games, i listen to music, i go on walks that last for hours - i do everything in my power to not think of you. i fill my days with noise and motion just to avoid the deafening silence of you. but it feels impossible because you’ve got a hold on me so deep it feels like i can’t stare at myself in the mirror without thinking of you. its as if you live in my skin now. i can’t say my name without yours being attached to it. it’s like our names are tethered, like mine cannot be said without dragging yours behind it. i can’t even remember what i was like before you. the version of me that existed before i loved you feels like a stranger now. i can’t stay in my room because it’s where i fell in love with you. i can’t play the sims because you’re on there and i can’t make myself delete that world because it’s the only place you and i are together. it’s the only place you and i have kissed. it’s the only place you and i have held hands. even if it’s fake, it’s all i have left. i do everything in my power to go a minute without thinking of you, yet you are still at the forefront of my mind, imbedded in there as if you are a part of my frontal cortex. you’re in every thought, every dream, every decision. i can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t smile without faking it. i don't understand how you have hurt me so deeply yet i still think of you as the greatest person alive. i hold you on a pedestal so high that even i can't reach it. you've ruined it and i still can't seem to take you down. i would say there is a small part of my heart that i have named after you, but that's a lie, my whole heart has your name carved into it. not just carved—engraved. burned in. sometimes it feels like it even beats for you. i used to think of you every time it felt a little hard to breathe but now thinking of you makes me feel like i'm suffocating. it used to be comfort, now it’s pain. i look at pictures of myself and i don’t recognise myself anymore, i don’t understand how i was so happy at one point. it feels so cruel to grieve you when you're still breathing. i don’t know how to fix myself. i don't even remember myself before you. i don't know how i was okay without you. i feel broken in ways i can’t explain. i wonder what all the other girls must have had for you not to break ties with them so violently like you did with me. what made me so easy to discard? i know i am not enough but i just wonder - is it because they were prettier than me? did they have lighter eyes? lighter hair? lighter skin? please, tell me. i can’t change the colour of my eyes or skin or hair but i can mould everything else about myself to be the one you want. i can carve myself to be the girl of your dreams. i would do it happily if it would make you want me again. i would do it in half a heartbeat. do you realise what i would do for you? i would let you defile my body, step all over it, cut it to shreds. i would let you reduce me to atoms. anything you want to do to me, you can. i promise. i am yours. i belong to you. just utter the word and i would lay out my life before you. please just tell me what to do, please. because i don’t know how to do this without you, how do i do this?
By sumiya akter5 months ago in Humans
exhausting
people treat you so badly when they know you love them. they take advantage of it when it’s 3am and they need someone naive to manipulate and easy enough to pass the time with. they just need an empty body to entertain their fantasies. and you oblige every time, because it’s the only time you can have them and although the attention is fleeting, at least they want you. the aftermath doesn’t matter. when you’re left to tend to the wounds they’ve left on your skin, to pick up the pieces of yourself off the floor and act as if you aren’t shattered. the love you gave so willingly is tossed aside like it’s garbage, like always. he won’t even look you in the eyes unless you’re uttering absolute filth with a gasping breath. he only thinks about you in the middle of the night when the frustration is too much. he doesn’t kiss that space behind your ears anymore. doesn’t kiss you goodbye. pushes your hand away when you touch him like it’s fire to his skin. he stopped caring. stopped calling. stopped asking. it’s easy to do so when it’s you. so you ignore the sickness in your stomach and bottle up the sadness. you tell yourself it’s not repetitive. tell yourself you’re not doing this again. but you cried all the way home and you cried all night. he doesn’t know. the vacant stares into the walls at 3am have become all too familiar, all too comforting. he won’t come to you when all you can think about is being 6 feet under and he is the only person who can bring you comfort because the truth of the matter is, he doesn’t think you’re worth it, you’re not worth the time, not worth the drive, not worth anything. you’ve been here before. you know this feeling all too well. the yearning. the heartache. it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel empty. makes you feel dirty. it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t recognise the emptiness in your eyes, he tells himself she’s just tired and goes ahead and takes what he wants because she’s always tired these days. and everything is always on his terms. there’s no anything. no care. you’re an afterthought. if that. he goes about his day and acts as if you don’t exist. you wish you didn’t. you are always too much. too much. too much. too much. you should be less. less wanting. less affectionate. less caring. that’s why there is always another. someone else who says the perfect thing, does the perfect thing, looks perfect, is perfect. do you recognise yourself in the mirror anymore? when those empty eyes stare back at you? do you smile with your eyes anymore? did you ever feel like you weren’t hard to love? you’ve always felt it. i know you have. you’ve bled and cleaned up the remains from the floor so many times that even the floors pity you - so many years later yet the same feelings tear you apart. and no one understands so you have always been a little too understanding. a little too considerate. because you know, you know it is exhausting being so unlovable. so exhausting to be unwanted. so exhausting to be alive when you’re you. were you ever doing this for yourself? do you know who you’re even doing it for? do you know what being loved even feels like? do you have any idea? do you know what it’s like to be wanted, not just for your body but for all of the scars, the thoughts, the sadness? to be loved unconditionally? to not try to earn someone’s love? to be hurt by people and be able to tell them because you aren’t so deathly afraid of being left? to not feel as if your entire being is a burden? do you think you’ll ever feel it? do you?
By sumiya akter3 years ago in Humans
grieving
they always say fight. fight for what you love. fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. and that is all you have done. for countless hours, days, months. until your fingers have bled, until your knees have become numb, until you couldn’t see straight. but there is only so much fighting you can do until your body has given out and your self-worth has crumbled into dust; your ego has never mattered when it has come to love, come to him, but you seem so shockingly small now, don’t you?
By sumiya akter4 years ago in Humans
yearning
it kills me. it kills me to know that there are people who have touched you and who have been touched by you. that someone's had the luxury of kissing you. of holding your hand. of caressing your cheek and tracing their fingers along your lips. that someone has pressed their lips against your shoulders, your neck. how they've seen you smile at them. how they've had your body pressed against them. it tears me apart. it feels like something lancinating inside my chest constantly, and although the lines of reassurance have been spoken, screamed, pressed into my skin i cannot seem to go a single moment without thinking all that lies ahead of me is despair. the thought that someone else, someone who hasn’t reached the skies for you is worth more than me is incessant. and the same question echoes through my mind; am i enough? am i enough? am i enough? and i figure how i regard it as even a possibility because i have not felt it in years. but still, i give everything to you. even if everything i have is not enough. even if nothing is ever enough. because i think this one single time i might be. i really do. because the way you looked to me really had me believing that i was.
By sumiya akter4 years ago in Poets
problems
i know why you booked the night train, i know you did it so that you wouldn't have to sit and stare at the wounds you'd so intricately placed within the depths of my soul months after fixing them. i know you did it so i wouldn't have to sit there and look at you whilst you looked at me in pity. i know you did it so i could sit for hours on that train and bask in this hurt and let it turn into resentment, repulsion, desperation, anything except heartbreak. anything. although, i doubt you would want desperation because even in moments where you would despise me, you could never say no to me. i'm not sure whether you did this for you, or whether you did this for me and i'm not sure which is worse.
By sumiya akter5 years ago in Humans
dream
i dream of us all the time. i dream about mundane things we can do together. things that shouldn't really be fawned over. i think about us getting coffee together and me making you order a specific kind of coffee for me because i’m too shy to ask. i think about us holding hands. i think about your hand resting on my thigh whilst you’re driving. i think about me leaning over and kissing your cheek. i think about what we’d talk about- i think about how you’d laugh at a joke i’d say, i think about how you’d kiss my cheek. i think about us falling asleep together and my head laying on your chest. i think about going on dates together. i think about walking along a canal holding hands together. i think about playing mini-golf and teasing each other. i think about us playing board games together and you beating me and me getting overly competitive because that’s just how i am. i think about us going to ikea and getting lost and giggling and kissing in the most private areas we could find. i think about going on picnics where we kiss and tease each other and laugh until our stomachs hurt. i think about the movie dates we’d go on, where we’d most likely just make out and hardly watch the movie. i think about you kissing me so desperately in your car because we’re both too needy for each other to go inside. i think about you trying to cheer me up when i’ve cried over a movie or a book or nothing in particular. i think about you surprising me by turning up on a random weekend. with flowers in hand. i think about when we first started talking and how we talked for hours and hours, not even sleeping because i guess that’s just how much we enjoyed talking to each other. i can only hope you felt as enamoured by me as i felt by you. i think about screaming the lyrics of our favourite songs together in the car with the windows down. i think about looking over to you and knowing that you might be the person i spend the rest of my life with and i would never need anything else ever again. i think about us having a future together. i think about you so much. you’re the only person i think about. from dawn to dusk and any time in between. you’re the only person i seem to have fallen for to this extent. you’re the only person i’ve asked God to give me. i can’t even think about you ever not being in my life, it hurts too much. i hope you never get sick of me. i hope i can read this to you someday. i hope i can bare my entire soul to you someday. it scares me to think that the only boy i have ever wanted to spend an eternity with, might not love me back the way i love him. so i pray every single night for you. i would do anything for your love. so please, don’t have someone else in your heart. please don’t leave me. you've not only occupied my daydreams but my actual dreams too. you've become such an intimate part of me, a part of me i have no control over. that's why if you ever broke my heart i don't think i could ever forget you. or get over you. or even forgive you. you’ve scored yourself onto my heart and soul. i’m yours. if you’ve ever doubted that, please don’t. i’m in this for the long game. i’m in this with every fibre of my being and i hope you are too.
By sumiya akter6 years ago in Humans
