Trust is a heavy burden

Trust is a heavy burden

And so is my humanity

Why can’t people just trust you? I guess it’s hard to ask of someone when you, yourself, seem incapable of trust.

Why can’t people just see you have the best of intentions for them? Why can’t you control them like a puppet on some strings? Why can’t you show them they are amazing, worthy, beautiful, loved, and capable? Why can’t you make them into that just by willing it so?

Loving someone can be so unfair. Wanting to fix someone’s self worth can be so unfair.

Being party to someone’s issues and anxieties and baggage and fear and not being able to

Just

Fucking

Fix

It

Is so unfair.

The “Big Book” of Alcoholic’s Anonymous has a lot to say on this subject. The “Actor’s Scenario.” My old sponsor made me read it every day. It posited that even if you have the best of intentions, you are still acting selfishly by trying to control or fix or help others in these ways.

But I always wondered… how? How is it selfish of me to want someone to see themselves for the beauty that they are? How is it selfish of me to want to watch someone I love and care about become the best version of themselves? Achieve their wildest dreams? What do I gain from that? How do I benefit?

I love you, I do. And I don’t even know who I’m talking about anymore. I love them all. I never stop. I don’t know why or how or where but I love. And I love so much. So deeply. I always have.

I stood on a hill at an astronomical observatory one April afternoon in front of those I love, and proclaimed my love, forever. Expressed how I’ve always loved, and had a deep understanding of it, far beyond my years. And mistakenly aligned it with the love I felt for you. That I had been waiting my whole life, and lifetimes before, since I was formed in that same star as you. That I had known that love through eons. And I was wrong. I was so wrong.

Why can’t people just trust you?

That’s why.

For someone who loves so much, it took me so long to learn to love myself. I’m still not perfect at it. I still have days where I don’t believe the affirmations taped to my mirror. Taped to my computer.

I am an amazing mom

I am smart, strong and capable

I am brave and unique

I am caring and compassionate

I am reliable and keep my commitments

I trust myself to make the right decisions

I have grown as a person and will continue to do so every day

Wow, I hadn’t read those in a while.

Why can’t people just trust you?

Well, I suppose there are many reasons. Many counter arguments that I could make to every single affirmation. Anyone can. Everyone has fucked up. Done bad things. Made mistakes. Colossally ruined lives and the lives of others.

Okay, maybe not that last bit.

I am the villain in so many stories. I am the one at fault. And that may be partially true. I can own my part in things. What do they say... it takes two?

Two can sure fuck things up, can't they?

You say that you can't, but it's that you know that you won't.

Apologize for the sake of it, with no intention of changing actual behavior.

Say whatever is needed in the current moment to feel okay with no thought for the other, or the future.

Is the future even valid to think about or worry about though?

Who knows.

Why can’t people just trust you?

Maybe that’s why.

Maybe that’s life.

Maybe we roll the dice. Or maybe we put them back in the bag.

Maybe we're the dungeon master or the player.

Maybe we are the puppeteer, or maybe we are the puppet.