True Emotional Value: Seen, Empathized, Empowered

What exactly is the emotional value you desire?

Everyone uses the term "emotional value" nowadays. In close relationships, we expect our partners to provide it: If the food I cooked is delicious, I expect encouragement, kisses, hugs, and to be celebrated. If the food is bad, I expect my partner not to spit it out, give me a dirty look, or scold me for wasting ingredients. Instead, I want them to sincerely tell me how delicious it was, finish the whole plate, and even ask for more…

In the workplace, we "hope" that bosses have high emotional intelligence—offering encouragement and rewards rather than criticism and empty promises. On the flip side, we subtly hint to subordinates to be "observant" and know when to flatter us, saying things like, "Your leadership is excellent; my achievements are all thanks to your guidance!" (It’s annoying, yet very common).

When shopping, we are willing to pay for the "emotional value" of the first milk tea of autumn. We are even willing to pay for that moment when a shop assistant excitedly tells us, "Those jeans look great on you!" as we walk out of the fitting room.

It feels like a bottomless pit that can hold anything. But have you ever considered what exactly this "emotional value" is? Is it simply making me happy or coaxing me to be cheerful? Is it boundless tolerance and concession? Or is it the endless demand of "You must appease me when I’m throwing a tantrum"?

If this is your understanding of emotional value, you may have been wrong from the start. Today, let’s talk about what true emotional value really is.

01 Misunderstood Emotional Value: From "Emotional Labor" to "Emotional Garbage Can"

First, we need to distinguish true emotional value from two imposters: "emotional labor" and the "emotional garbage can."

"Emotional labor," first proposed by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, refers to the requirement to display certain emotions to earn a salary. For example, flight attendants must maintain a smile at all times, and customer service representatives must always be patient. This is a professional requirement—a "performance." Its core purpose is commercial gain, not genuine connection. Simply put, it is a professional fake smile.

Many people in relationships are actually looking for this kind of "emotional labor" packaged as love. They expect their partner to be like a 24/7 online customer service representative—always positive, always listening, and always putting their partner's feelings first. This isn’t looking for a lover; it’s hiring an unpaid "emotional babysitter."

Another mistake is treating the other person as an "emotional garbage can"—pouring out all your negative emotions without considering if the other person can handle it. Neither of these is true emotional value. The former is a transaction; the latter is taking. They might bring temporary comfort, but in the long run, they make a relationship fragile. True emotional value is a two-way flow of mutually nourishing energy.

02 The Core of Value: Not "Making You Feel Good," but "I See You"

In psychology, the concept of emotional value is similar to Carl Rogers’ "Unconditional Positive Regard." In plain terms, it means: I see you as you truly are and fully accept you.

As the saying goes: "Love is as you are, not as I wish you were."

What does "seeing" mean? It is not simply hearing you speak, but looking past the surface level of words to understand the true needs and inner feelings behind your emotions.

For example, imagine your partner comes home after a bad day at work and has a big temper tantrum. Someone offering "false" emotional value might say: "Don't be angry, it’s nothing. Here, let me buy you a bag? A bag cures everything!" This uses material things to distract you; they haven't "seen" your pain. Or, they might say: "You’re overthinking it; you need to be more open-minded." This is a judgment that negates your emotions.

Someone providing genuine emotional value would quietly listen and then say: "It sounds like you really went through a lot today; you must be very angry." They don't rush to offer advice or judge right or wrong; they simply acknowledge a fact: Your feelings are real, and they are allowed to exist. That is "seeing."

When our closest loved ones cannot "see" our basic emotions, it feels like our most vulnerable spot has been stabbed. Therefore, the core of emotional value is having someone who can steadily catch you when you are sad or vulnerable and say: "I see how you feel."

03 Empathy and Empowerment: Growing Together

Higher levels of emotional value include two more elements: empathy and empowerment.

Brené Brown’s research found that empathy is the "glue" for deep connection. Empathy is not pity. Pity is "Oh, you are so pitiful"—a condescending attitude. Empathy is "I can feel how you feel," placing yourself on the other person’s level.

Think of the scene in Friends where Rachel is devastated after failing a job interview. While others offer clichés like "You'll do better next time," Joey silently sits beside her, simply sharing her sadness. He didn't try to "fix" the problem; he chose to enter her world. That is the second core: I am willing to enter your world to feel with you.

The highest level is "empowerment." A person who provides true emotional value won't make you dependent on them forever. They won't play the hero who always "saves" you, because that robs you of the power to grow. Instead, they believe in your potential and empower you to face problems.

Before director Ang Lee became famous, he spent six years unemployed. When he felt guilty and wanted to give up his dream to find a computer job, his wife, Lin Huijia, said to him: "Ang, remember your film dream."

She didn't say "I'll take care of you," but "I believe in you." This sentence is the highest level of emotional value. It ignites a person's vitality more than any material support. (As a side note, the phrase "I'll take care of you" can be quite toxic; it often creates dependency rather than strength.)

The Science of Connection

This process has a solid neuroscience basis. When we feel understood, the brain releases oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone"), which reduces stress and increases security. Simultaneously, the brain releases dopamine, producing pleasure.

Conversely, when we feel rejected, the areas of the brain that process physical pain are activated. Emotional pain is almost indistinguishable from physical pain in the eyes of the brain. Pursuing emotional value is not being "dramatic" or "pretentious"—it is an instinct written into our genes, as basic a necessity as food and water.

Summary

True emotional value is not sweet talk, flattery, or boundless indulgence. It is:

Seeing: Choosing to accept you in your most vulnerable moments.

Empathy: Being willing to set aside your own world to enter someone else's.

Empowerment: Believing in someone’s strength so they can become a better version of themselves.

In this connection, we don’t need to pretend or fear, because we know someone is willing to see the true nature of our souls. This feeling, more than any gift, sustains us through life's storms.

Thank you for reading!