Infidelity, Marriage, and Self-Discovery

A Word of Caution: This piece is not for the very young, the morally absolutist, or those who see human nature as strictly black and white.

The Nine Truths

1. The Search for Self, Not Someone Else. When a person cheats, they are actually searching for themselves, not a new partner. This is why many people, even those with beautiful and successful spouses, still seek out a less desirable third party. They are ultimately looking for a version of themselves reflected in that other person: a younger self, a self whose desires are fulfilled, a self that feels alive. Nothing more.

2. The Rarity of the Non-Cheater. Of course, there are people who do not cheat, but they are extremely rare. These individuals either possess exceptional self-control or their focus and desires lie elsewhere in life. To put it bluntly, they are not deeply interested in intimate relationships; they are engrossed in other pursuits. Naturally, both of these types are highly uncommon.

3. The Inevitability of Hurt and the Necessity of Exit. Being hurt and betrayed is a normal part of life. Instead of demanding loyalty from your partner, it is far more effective to ensure that when your principles and boundaries are violated, you always retain the ability to walk away.

4. The Symptom, Not the Cause Infidelity is often not the cause of marital failure, but rather the result. The real underlying causes are a long-term lack of communication, mismatched life trajectories, accumulated disappointment, and even mutual contempt. Unfortunately, many people fail to recognize this distinction.

5. The Secret to Marital Happiness: Look Outside Marriage is not just a relationship between two people, nor even between two families; it is a bond between two social support systems. Observe those with happy marriages: their lives rarely revolve solely around the marriage itself. They have many like-minded friends and their own careers. Therefore, the secret to marital happiness is not to take the marriage too seriously; after getting married, you need to cultivate a rich and fulfilling life outside of it.

6. Marriages Predetermined to Fail Many unhappy marriages are actually predetermined before the vows are even exchanged—for instance, when the two people don't truly know each other. Can you honestly say you know the real him or her? Have you ever taken off your own mask? Do you really know each other? If you don't know each other at all, yet still get married, the outcome is often set.

7. Trust, Reality, and the Repulsive Cracks Marriage should be about trusting those you trust and avoiding the exploitation of those you don't. Never vilify your own choice, nor romanticize someone else's life. A closer look often reveals only repulsive cracks. Marriage, like life, is a unique snowfall for each person; everyone has their own hidden sorrows and moments of brilliance.

8. The Cowardly and the Regretful. For a cowardly person who refuses self-growth, no matter who they marry, they will not be happy; no matter which path they choose, they will regret it. Sometimes, learning to accept reality is a virtue that can truly save you.

9. Marriage as the Ultimate Training Ground: What are the benefits of marriage? I've pondered this question for a long time. If I had to give an answer, there is only one: marriage may be the best training ground in the world. The biggest challenge in intimate relationships is not facing the other person's ugliness, but facing your own ugliness—seeing your truest self reflected in their image.

Through marriage, you come to know your desires, your cowardice, your need for control, and your competitiveness. In this war without gunpowder, you might learn true wisdom, compassion, and tolerance. However, life is meant to be enjoyed, not solely to be a form of self-cultivation. If we do not aspire to become gods, we mortals don't necessarily have to step onto the battlefield.

Thank you for reading!