To Nag or Not to Nag, is that the question?

Women hear this all the time from men. “Quit Nagging me” or “You’re always nagging me about this stuff.” It begs the question, is there merit behind the complaining? Some women become what is annoying a “Mother” type role in their husband's lives sometimes. Especially when you feel you’ve got a good groove going on in the running of the house and its daily needs. You’ve got a good routine, you pick up clothes, get the laundry done, and find yourself feeling pretty good because everything just seems to click. Until your husband becomes the odd-man factor.

The good old argument, “Please take the garbage out?” He nods and continues doing whatever it is he was doing before. So what is the issue? Where does the fault lie?

Well, many women say they expect the man to help out around the house too. It is after all the house you both share. So, fairness dictates you would “Share the load” for a better term. However, it seems some women have a knack for choosing the wrong time to ask or expecting it to be done exactly when they ask. SO what’s the solution?

As mothers and women in general, we don’t usually have a spare moment to sit and relax before something else has to be done. This isn’t always expected of us, but we seem to expect it of ourselves.

In many cases what men call “Nagging” isn’t really nagging, but far too often we wives/girlfriends take on this unspoken “mother” role where we do nag at our husbands/boyfriends as if they were children being asked to do a chore.

I understand, you shouldn’t have to ask more than once to have something done, but isn’t that what we say to children? You ask your son or daughter to clean their room and they don’t do it, and whine “Why?” And you say to them, “Because I told you to and I shouldn’t have to ask more than once.”

However, try reversing the situation. What if your husband came to you after a long day at work and you had just sat down, taken off your shoes, and put your feet up for the first time since the day started. Now he’s over by the couch asking you to cook dinner, wash the dishes or do his laundry for him. You don’t really want to, you just got home. So, I don’t think it’s a matter of who asks who, but rather the timing of the question. It’s not your job to mother your husband, and it's not his job to father you.

So instead try this:

1. Don’t ask for any chore, request, or favor for at least an hour after your husband/wife comes home.

2. Respect their need to “decompress” after their day. If you’d like the same recognition, say that to each other and make a promise to each other.

3. Instead of treating the “Taking the Garbage” out like a chore that has to be done, find better wording. It’s all in the tone and words.

Say it the wrong way and it becomes a demand, say it the right way and it becomes a request. It might sound like buttering up, however, it makes your guy feel like you appreciate them.

For example:

DON’T- “The garbage is so full can you just take it out?” “I asked you to take the garbage out an hour ago.” “I don’t know why I even asked since I have to do it myself anyway.”

DO- “I know you’ve not been home very long, but could you do me a favor and take the garbage out really quick?” “When you get a minute could you run that garbage outside? I’d really appreciate it.” “If you’re too tired to take the garbage out, I can take it instead.”

Making demands of a man makes it seem like you don’t care about what kind of a day he’s had, how tired he might be, or what happened during his day. Moreover, constantly reminding or asking him and then saying some hurtful thing when he doesn’t do just makes him not want to do it. Also, remember to always say “Thank you” and “I really appreciate it.” Because if you say it, he will too.

You treat each other how you want to be treated. If he isn’t reciprocating don’t get mad, instead say to him, “I always make sure you know how much I appreciate your help. I need to know that you appreciate my help too.”

Men and women have different ways of thinking about things. Men like to be appreciated and respected. They don’t think about things like we do. If your husband doesn’t “Get it” then you need more communication. Clear communication. You both need to know what each other needs from the marriage/relationship and if you don’t it might be why things get sticky between you.

This is not a one-sided “Subservient Wife” role, this is I’ll treat you with respect and I would like the same in return. If you need more time after work, say so. In -ind, ask him if he needs more time after work before being asked requests.

Picking up his clothes off the floor, putting his shoes away, doing his laundry, cleaning the house, these are not things you should do because you "have to" These are things you should do because you care about your partner. You care that he has early mornings and late nights, so you wash his clothes so he doesn't have to because you CARE. If he does those things for you it's because he cares. This doesn't mean you can't express your feelings concerning the situation at hand, if he isn't helping out at all speak up, communicate, and explain why his help would be appreciated. Don't lose your temper, get mad, or start the blame game, who did it better, who did it more often, or even who did the chore last week. Just state your concerns, explain what you need from him, and ask him if he can help you out.

It might sound silly, or seem old-fashioned, but honestly, this is how you respect your partner and earn respect back. If it really becomes a problem you can split the chores. You are living in the same house, you’re sharing the space so it’s only natural for you BOTH to take care of it.

Remember, communicate, express your desires and make your requests clear and concise. Be honest; and allow him/her the same in return.

Happy Halloween, and may you walk the road less traveled.