Tips for Parents Who No Longer Know What to Do With Their Rebellious Child

The rebellious teenager - the expression seems to be a pleonasm: no teenager does not go through phases of rebellion against the authoritarian figures in his life (parents and teachers). His rebellion is a normal form of manifestation of individuality and the proclamation of independence: but how far can this be tolerated?

The parents of every teenager will face small rebellion crises: this stage of development is always a difficult one for both the parent and the teenager - who is no longer a child but is not yet an adult. What should the parents of the rebellious teenager know?

Why the rebellious teenager:

The most important reason: he wants to win and shows his independence as clearly as possible. He no longer accepts the rules that, as a child, he follows - he considers that he no longer needs rules and that they limit him.

He feels the need to prove to everyone that he is an autonomous individual. The crystallization of identity is a process that often involves a struggle - both an internal and an external struggle between the adolescent and the others, a struggle for independence.

Authoritarian and closed family environment. Parents should not forget that the teenager should no longer be treated like a child. The more you control him, the less freedom you give him, the less privacy you give him, the more strictly and authoritatively you treat him, the more inevitable the rebellion.

Instead, negotiating the rules, giving up some, explaining them, showing him that you expect him to behave exactly the way he wants to be treated - that is, mature - can be a way to avoid rebellion. Before moving on to the authoritarian approach: "you have broken the rule - you receive punishment", you can treat him as a more mature person, listening to what he has to say about the situation.

Peer pressure and desire to integrate into the group. No matter how much a teenager values ​​individuality and uniqueness, he feels more intensely the need to be part of a group and to be valued and respected by his peers. And what impresses teenagers a lot - rebellion and nonconformist behavior: "forget how original I am".

Rebellion as a reaction to stress. Don't laugh: parents need to realize that a teenager is really under major stress. Internal and external changes, decisions to be made, the transformation into an adult - along with treatment as a child, school, relationships with the elderly - can all cause general stress. And a reaction to stress and frustration is rebellion, either as an attack or as a refusal.

A request for attention. Sometimes the rebellious teenager demands only a little attention from his parents. When they are preoccupied with others, do not listen to him, treat him condescendingly, he becomes rebellious to get a little attention, but also to punish his parents.

Rebellion as a reaction to increased indifference and permissiveness. And conversely, the other extreme, that of parents who are not present in the child's life, who do not get involved, who do not impose, but leave him too much freedom will lead to rebellious behavior. The rules and limits must not be forgotten, but negotiated with the adolescent, to impose, but at the same time leave him a margin of independence.

What does the rebellious teenager do?

The adolescent, therefore, needs to prove that he is independent, that he can handle himself, without so many forms of control. He thinks he knows everything in life being at the age when he is just starting to learn. He refuses advice and rebels against the rules. A parent must learn to distinguish between what can be tolerated as a form of rebellion and what is dangerous and intolerable (destructive forms of behavior).

The most common forms of rebellion in adolescence are violating and refusing rules at home; violation and refusal of certain rules in the school environment; adopting a "nonconformist" look and feel; behavior that is either indifferent or provocative, offensive (attacks to defend itself); alcohol, tobacco, sometimes drugs.

Although you may not understand it, although it may seem childish to you, even though it may make you jump, remember that certain rebellion attacks are normal and inevitable. As parents, you have to accept that you have nothing to do and that it may be preferable to be more tolerant of some forms of individuality.

But you must also intervene when there are risky behaviors (serious school problems, frequent substance use, aggressive behaviors) and ask for specialized help when you notice destructive behaviors (substance abuse, running away from school and home, physical aggression).

Some tips for parents of a rebellious teenager:

Negotiate the rules with the teenager: explain why you want a rule and ask for his opinion - how fairly does he think it is? Thus, the need to break the rules decreases. On the other hand, if you refuse to change any rules and have a "do what I say while you're in my house" attitude, he will rebel and find ways to do what he wants without you knowing!

Try to treat him differently: he wants to be treated like a mature person; so treat him to some extent, but remind him that if you behave like he is more mature, he has to show it.

Don't get mad at things that don't matter! Remember that you too were at this age and had your way of rebelling. When there is no real risk and when it does not "take in your head" you learn to overlook some things.

Try talking to him! Yes, any parent knows that the teenager often does not open up, does not want to talk, thinks that you would not understand him and that his answers are monosyllabic. Which doesn't mean giving up: you can talk to him; try to open a way of communication by talking first about what you want and what you don't want, then about more serious things.

And show them that you are always willing to listen to what he has to say - even when he has broken a rule. But another important tip: give him privacy, don't stick your nose in his obsessive check, and don't insist too much if he doesn't want to talk!

Stimulate his self-confidence and avoid criticizing him too often. The more he feels criticized, the more he wants to rebel… Instead, show him that you appreciate his every achievement and that you trust him, even if he makes so many mistakes. When the adolescent feels that his parent is disappointed in him, he will adopt even more rebellious behaviors.

Keep calm amid the crisis. Where do you end up when the parent gets angry, screams, and has seizures with the rebellious teenager? War is coming!

Every mistake he made, every rule he broke, every behavior he adopted, don't shout at him angrily, because nothing is solved. Just create a negative tension and provoke him to behave even more rebelliously. When you impose your authority, the effective way to do it is to adopt a calm, balanced, firm attitude and not a nervous breakdown…