Through These Eyes

Covid-19 is a difficult topic to write about.

It's something that has affected an unfathomable amount of people in ways so varied that finding the words to describe the experience in a way that touches or relates to them all is simply impossible. As a writer, I struggled with that inescapable truth for a long time. As I mulled over this article and how to write it, the question of how to connect with my readers, how to write a message that can relate to everyone, constantly held me back. The answer? You can't.

Maybe that's alright. Maybe these words won't reach the vast majority of people still struggling with their experience. Maybe my own experiences only relate to a select few.

The year 2020 felt like so much more than a meager 365 days. If ever there was a year that stretched out to feel more like a decade in our lifetime this was certainly the one. So much occurred during those 12 months (and continue to do so now though we hoped 2021 would usher in an end to the trials). I don't intend to list them all here, as that’s not what this article is about. We all lived the year, we all experienced the absurdity, the stupidity, and the ignorance first hand. I'm sure a few come to mind even as you read this.

The Pandemic and our way of life

For every individual, the impact of Covid-19 on their lives varies. For the fortunate few who could do their work remotely, they were simply compelled to lock themselves away and work from home via the computer or telephone. It took some adjusting but it could be done. I have several acquaintances who even grew to like that way of living better and counted their fortunes for having been granted the opportunity. That is until it came time to open their door again and venture out into the world.

How does one connect with a society they have been isolated from for a year or more? Even something as seemingly simple as going to a restaurant with your spouse can feel daunting and unnatural when you haven't done it in so long. So, in the end, those who quarantined themselves were more or less safe from the risks that Covid presented but now find themselves suffering in a different sense.

Beyond that, there were plenty who were not so lucky. Those individuals whose financial and professional stability were suddenly thrown up in the air. It was as if in a matter of hours certainty turned to uncertainty and given the state of things and how Covid is being reported currently, uncertainty has yet to be resolved. For a time it was as though the country shut down. The employed became the unemployed and for a while, things were alright with the assistance provided to help bolster unemployment and keep people who were suddenly out of work within their homes.

Life Among the Faceless

When masks were first mandated I, like so many others I imagine, saw it more as an inconvenience than anything else. Science had already determined they were useless, and in fact harmful in some cases as people were hospitalized as a result of that as well. It felt pointless, a placebo effect meant to calm the fear that for the most part I and those around me had yet to experience.

To prove a point, more to myself than anyone else, the mask I wore to work served no medical purpose whatsoever. It did nothing beyond satisfy the requirements that mandated I wear one. Needless to say it worked. My higher ups said nothing about it, as I was wearing a mask as requested.

Among my co-workers are several conspiracy theorists who swore high and low even then that the masks were for far more nefarious purposes. They maintained that we were being forced to wear masks because it dehumanizes us, disconnects us from one another on a primal level. If you never see a persons face, in your mind, deep down, are they really important? Can you ever connect with someone whose face you’ve never seen?

I shrugged all of that off, and as days turned to weeks even the inconvenience of a mask became commonplace. I didn’t think anymore about the discomfort it caused. Through repetition and consistency my mindset on it changed. I wore one, the people around me wore one, and the world kept moving on. I thought nothing of wearing one anymore until the day I suddenly saw one of my co-worker’s face without it and realized all at once that though I had worked with her for six months, talked with her, laughed with her, I had never known what she looked like.

That struck me as so profound: That sudden realization that, though I knew on some level that she was a person with her own story and her own experiences, none of that really reached me until I suddenly saw her face. Six months of my life working beside this woman, and until that moment it’s like my mind never registered who she was.

Now bear in mind I am not, in any way saying the conspiracy theorists are right. But in that moment, on some level, I understood their point. There is a certain disconnect between yourself and people whose face you’ve never seen. It isn’t intentional, and I don’t believe it makes us bad or inherently evil, but it happens. Perhaps some of you have felt it too. Hopefully I am not alone in being struck so strongly by so simple a moment

My Own Experience

I myself felt very little change in terms of employment and my day-to-day. Though the news and media cautioned the many dangers and risks involved with being out and around people my job was deemed largely essential. So every day while those same officials said to avoid contact, practice social distance, etc. I was, by necessity, still doing everything I did before. The only exception is that now I had to wear a mask while I did it. Anything to help the fear, I guess, regardless of its applied uses.

Full disclosure I have had two close encounters with Covid-19 during the course of this pandemic. First near the end of November 2020, and again in February 2021. The former resulted in little more than being able to spend a couple of weeks off with my wife as I was quarantined as a precaution but never developed symptoms. In February 2021, however, it finally stuck. I felt the beginnings of symptoms and was quarantined once more with the suggestion that I get tested. This time it came back positive.

It's easy, in those moments, to buy into the fear. Everywhere you look, every news station you listened to, every newspaper, and every word upon your co-worker's lips was about Covid-19 and how terrible it was. I heard my supervisor tell me she felt like she was dying when she had it all over again. I heard the voices of friends and neighbors all regaling me with the horror stories of their experiences. I thought of my wife, my family, and wondered if the next horror story was going to be mine.

The days went by agonizingly slowly as I waited for these terrible symptoms to worsen and put me down for the count. A day became a week and those terrible experiences I was so frequently cautioned about never came. Whether the test was a false positive or I am simply fortunate to have an immune system capable of kicking the snot out of this deadly virus I am uncertain. I know that experience is not common, but nor is it exclusive to me. Perhaps I will never know why it effected me so little while it hit everyone else so hard.

The Thing About Fear

It'll eat you alive. Fear is a powerful force and it's easy to become so accustomed to it that we let it pervade our everyday lives. The media certainly hasn't done anything to quell it. If anything they have only served to further spread it. Whether you are a conspiracy theorist or not I am certain we can all agree we are tired of hearing about why we should be terrified every single day. The truth of the matter is that Essential Workers like myself who have been out in the world regardless of the dangers simply don't have the luxury of being afraid of the world around us. We have a job to do, a service to provide, and if we can do it and still be fine regardless of the warnings its a pretty safe bet all of us can too.

You're not alone, and if no one has told you lately, you're going to be ok. The unthinkable can always happen, and while you're hiding away from covid it could happen to you. Reach out. Connect with one another. Behind every mask is a story waiting to be told, and a person who matters waiting to tell it. So listen to theirs, and tell your own. Our lives can keep moving forward regardless of what this virus and the media may or may be trying to do.

Do you have an experience to share?

Contact me here or at [email protected]. I would love to hear it and, if allowed, write about your experiences as well. My hope is that I can turn this initial rambling into something of a series. One that reaches more and more people and brings us together in a unified front as we repair the damage this pandemic, and the media's handling of it, has caused to our lives.