Thoughts

thoughts.... Right now I have mixed many feelings, family... work... and myself in particular.

The thing is I am finding it difficult, feeling unaccepted and my head is fighting a war of the sexes, meaning I know who I am and want to be, but some days it’s so.... difficult.

I understand who I am but find myself not understanding why, why was I born this way, the feeling of being trapped and enclosed, fighting and struggling, growing up with conflict and confusion.

Being the youngest of many and wondering ” what I a mistake “.

Conflict growing stronger as I get older, I never chose to be born this way but I can choose the way I live .

Why do I have a choice, why do I need a choice, who gave me that choice, these were just a few things that I was questioning.

Wondering who am I, seeing a reflection of myself and finding what looked back at me was wrong, confusion and discomfort sometimes heartbreaking that what I saw was a horrible disgusting image, an image I grew to hate.

Time passes by but my feelings are still forever there within me.

With knowing I was different I did not know what to do, what would people think, how would they deal with someone like me, would they be accepting or would I be scared .

I am also feeling selfish because of who I am, I think that maybe everyone is right and I am this abomination that they say and should not be allowed the right to live .

I don’t have rights and be able to make the decision to be me, who gave me that right and why .

My life is just in millions and insignificant .

I feel for what I have put my kids through, whether they would be better if I was not me or even wasn’t here .

I very often contemplate suicidal thoughts, even more so recently.I hear things that people say and observe and it makes me wonder if they are right.

I was a father with responsibilities, but chose to put myself first, that was irresponsible of me.

Everything here are questions running through my head every day, I cry every night, not able to sleep most nights, I wake up in the morning wondering why I wake up ... I struggle through the day by having this fake smile and saying “ i’m okay “ when all I want to do is be alone somewhere and just die.

It’s not hard you know, there are easier ways to do it, even without thinking about it I have spent a long time thinking of the ways because I spend so long by myself and alone, my mind goes into a state of discontent.

I wonder if sometimes I am hiding ... hiding from my past, needless to say I don’t really had a good pest, fractured and broken, in a state of disrepair in most parts.

Things that I try to forget, but somehow haunt me feeling ashamed and used, does my past reflect my present or future, ifs and buts whether I should have turned right instead of left, whether I should of done what everyone wanted me to do.

After all .... that’s what my life was and should be, doing as I am told to do not what I do myself.

I cannot be the person everyone expects me to be any more, I love my two kids more than anything but there are days when I feel love is not enough anymore .

I spend time thinking if they would manage without me around, thinking if they’d be better off and live their lives .

But then I feel selfish again for thinking such thoughts .

They say “ Life is for living “ but what if, like me you feel you have lived your life, what is there left to do, why should I go on, what gives me the right to live as I am being selfish shameful dishonouring the people I love...Family and friends .

I don’t have that right and be allowed to go forward in life I have done wrong and every day I feel more and more ashamed, there isn’t a day goes by when I think ... “ it’s my fault “ .

All I want is peace now, the kind of peace that will last forever, eyes closed, mind’s blank, darkness falls, time stops .

I only know that when I have that peace , only then these thoughts will disappear, no more feeling ashamed, no more questions, no more selflessness.

I don’t believe in the afterlife or the coming back as something else, and I am okay with that as I would not want to be on this world and inprint myself furthermore .

I have spent my whole life living a lie, it’s only when I chose to tell the truth and actually live that I feel these thoughts for dying, it’s a confusing thing but by accepting who I am is was the most important step in becoming myself, but the wall in my head still fight on, and with each day comes something new to add and each day gets harder to get through.

Another phrase is Another phrase is “ Time is a great healer “ But time is also endless and can go on forever but what is time has run out and you have not healed, what then, you can’t keep on going on forever.but time is also endless and can go on forever but what is time has run out and you have not healed, what then, you can’t keep on going on forever.. I can’t keep going on forever.

There is a point in life you get to that you feel you will never heal, the wounds of the past never close , and you just wish for one second that your life could been that little bit different.

But reality .... Reality is time is a very long time and you may never quite heal.

Right now I live each day as it comes, and try to get through it the best I can, putting that smile on as if it was real . There is no telling on how it will end, I only know that my feelings are real to me and no matter how bad I thought is, it’s what keeps me going through that day.There is no telling on how it will end, I only know that my feelings are real to me and no matter how bad I thought is, it’s what keeps me going through that day

Anger ... alone ... afraid ... shame ... selflessness, are just a few.

On their own could just about manage, but when I get them all at once it’s overwhelming and can be very difficult to keep inside , but with having all this for such a long time I am able to keep it in me without anyone’s knowledge of how I am really feeling .

There has been to great achievement in my life, and feel that when I do choose my time that I will be leaving a part of me within the two of them and they are the best of me.

As each day passes I look around observing people, those I don’t know and those I do now, going about their lives and happy doing so .

I cannot see how I fit in, society is the hardest critic and if you don’t pass then you don’t belong, I try and try so hard to fit in and blend into society but never feel that I can do it, the feelings in my head are there and I have to close my mind just to get through.

It’s hard, the height I have inside of me for myself, that hate started many years ago and has stayed with me it’s hard to look at my reflection sometimes not when I changed and became the person I am today it must have been hard for the people around me, at the time without their knowledge although I was happy and pleased that I was going to be myself deep down I was hurting and feeling ashamed and selfish, they knew me as a person and had to change their way of seeing me.

I am so sorry for having to put everyone through that.
For many years I have thought of myself as a birth defect, body parts that don’t belong to me, just touching made me feel sick and still does today .

Lots of people don’t like something of themselves whether it’s fat thighs or belly is too big to the shape of the nose, well I have all of them, every part of my body is a part I hate and detest but I tried different ways to try and help me like myself but found more ways not to like me .

Something I don’t understand is that if I don’t like myself, why do other people do, I am nothing special, just a person trying hard to be someone .

I do wonder if I would be missed if I wasn’t around , I think about going for a long walk finding somewhere quiet and.................finding that peace .

As I am writing this I am feeling upset, shame, broken, angry ...Tears are running down my cheeks and I feel my body slowing down as my breathing has slowed right down, I have felt like this many times before, emptiness hear nothing close my eyes and just darkness, and I wish that.tears are running down my cheeks and I feel my body slowing down as my breathing has slowed right down, I have felt like this many times before, emptiness here nothing close my eyes and just darkness, and I wish that.....that was it, my piece that I have for so long wanted but I don’t know how much longer I can do this, I hate feeling this way but it’s building up inside me it’s sometimes scary to think that I know how simple it is, I do know that when it’s time I will be alone, away from everyone.

Transitioning is not just about the physical aspect and image, the emotional side is explosive, Difficulties in understanding yourself and understanding why, confusion, discomfort, shame . So many feelings that overwhelm you that it’s so hard to control them all.it’s these different feelings that are the reason I am here today as I have had a failed attempt at finding my piece and I ended up with mixed emotions and breaking down, feeling hurt and angry at myself for what I would leave behind.

It scares me to think how easy it is
It scares me to think of the people I leave behind
It scares me to think that there is nothing there but darkness
And yet I still feel I want my peace and quiet that lasts a long long time ...