Thoughts from a 60 day Newly Married Woman

I am a new wife, it’s not been your traditional fairy tale wedding, from the up and down roller coaster that’s been our two year relationship.

The Groom, every day for the 10 months of planning both leading to engagement and then every week after engagement, to all the wedding planning process evening in midst of a pandemic which is a whole other level of stress where planning any event is concerned let alone a wedding. - He constantly struggled daily, weekly, monthly on if he wanted to be in the relationship, if he wanted to be married. Keep in mind the only reason of marriage even being brought up was due to how much he pushed the bride to be on wanting to begin a family. He voiced it as his need to pass on his lineage, it was something he’s wanted his whole life was to be a husband and a father. Sounds dreamy as most guys fear that level of commitment, he seemed so self assured and so eager. 


The bride was terrified of his 5yr plan that was presented on their very first date.. He opened her eyes to a whole new world & chapter, even bread life to dreams she never knew she could have.. Such as children as it was something she’d gone so long believing could never happen due to medical restrictions. 
However, this man did research and presented her with tangible evidence it could be done with precautions & of course as with such things a hefty expense but he was willing to do it that way for her. It scared her so much for so long but after 2yrs she was ready to take that leap & move to the next level even though she knew how her groom to be struggled with communicating, it had been a constant battle but she accepted if that was as good as he ever got at communicating then she’d accept it & it was better than any life without him in it. Well here they are; that couple is 60 days post ceremony, yet no marriage certificate was filled out & filed, so much conflicting information some saying 15 days after ceremony is all one has to file, other convinced it was 5 months.. However, even with so much uncertainty here they be. What’s the hold up?

They went through the ceremony, they are like practically married but yet the Groom still can’t commit to signing the paper, nor does he even have a clear understanding of what specifically he needs to be done before he can sign. He keeps saying “he wants to feel better, he wants us to be better” Yet, he can’t specifically state “what aspects he needs to be better.” Naturally this is a huge frustration for the new bride, there were several hurdles such as the week of the wedding the groom’s grandfather past away, he was someone of HUGE influence & importance to the groom. It crippled him to the point he was A-wall that week of wedding, the day before the wedding his anxiety and depression which he’d never been so aware of were at full force, his first panic attack occurred and shook him to his absolute breaking point. Two Xanax’s to get him to calm down, along with fluids at urgent care the day before the wedding. The devastated bride feeling so lost, as he pushed her away that week because he couldn’t figure out how to seek help.

Despite all the uneasiness of the entire engagement & wedding experience, they did have a ceremony with their closest friends & family. They went on a honeymoon which both struggled to let go of the many emotions that had filled them, they never got to experience the proper wedding night. Tensions were too high, they never got the proper newlywed bliss, never got the opportunity to christen their new home as husband and wife.. Why? Because the weight of the decision to not sign the paperwork loomed so heavy over both. Contempt from the groom for he felt bullied about his not wishing to sign.

The Bride felt betrayed like he didn’t want her to be family & didn’t want the future they had once so easily dreamed of. 
Day 56 of marriage he admitted he doesn't even see that dream right now. The Groom is upset that his bride has been pulling away, withdrawing & putting up walls that previously had taken 2yrs to break down initially.

THE BRIDE IS ME!

This has obviously been such a difficult time, but has caused me plenty of time to research relationships & also reflect on my long list of longer relationships from my past & truly sit & be honest on why they ended as some were far easier to figure out than others. I am not a psychologist nor do I have any type of medical background at all, these are simply my thoughts this is me just typing away to work through my feelings ect..

Every successful relationship has about 10 key reasons for why they work, some seem clear & others well they are insightful, as this is gathered from me pulling from examples from my past but also from conversing from my examples of relationships which several are happily married.

1.) Be together for the right reasons.

Wrong Reasons: Pressure from friends & family, feeling like a loser because they were single & settling for the first person that came a long. Being together for image, being young & naive.

Just to name a few.

2.) Have realistic expectations: In ancient times people considered love to be a sickness. The reason being that love makes us feel incredible inside, but also makes us highly irrational.

In many cases, unbridled love tricks us into doing irrational things based on our desire to procreate with someone. That’s what nature does. It gets us to make short term decisions to detriment the long term planning. True love is a choice! It’s a constant commitment to a person Regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to ALWAYS make you happy - Nor should they! A person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.

3.) The most important factor in a relationship is NOT communication, but RESPECT. Communication, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are unavoidable, and the only thing that will keep you going is a deep sense of RESPECT for EACH-OTHER. You need to have the kind of respect where you hold each other in such HIGH ESTEEM & believe in each other often more so than you believe in yourselves. Trusting that your partner is doing the best with the CIRCUMSTANCES they are deal in life. Respect is synonymous with trust & they are both lifeblood of ANY successful relationship. This realization.. has been a profound one for me, as I’ve put for so long, such an emphasis that it’s what our issue was, it’s definitely an area of weakness, but through our couple therapy sessions we’ve been attending this past two months, well it’s definitely made me feel slightly different on it.

4.) Talk openly about EVERYTHING especially the stuff that HURTS. 
This is where COMMUNICATION remains SO IMPORTANT. If something is bothering you in a relationship, you NEED to be able to COMMUNICATE it DIRECTLY to your partner. This is how you build trust & intimacy.

This has definitely been something that as a couple we’ve struggled with, as the groom is so sensitive to any time he feels he’s done wrong, but we approach mistakes, slip ups, repeat behavior, very differently which is totally fine. We are two different people, but a HUGE aspect of this is the fact that when I voice how I’m feeling on something, he sees it as a failure or as something simply NEGATIVE instead of truly listening, accepting & trying to understand, learn from it. We are all human, we all find it easier at times to vent to a friend or family member & not directly go to the source of the frustration or annoyance, but the PROBLEM with that is how can that person in question prevent repeating the actions, words or whatever the hurdle is if they are never given the chance?

Some are not wired to handle any type of criticism or conflict & others are more accepting of either or both. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to mess up, it’s okay to get something wrong. The only way that it can ever get better is to know & in order to do that you have to be willing to get through your EMOTIONS & truly take in to account someone else’s feelings on a matter. It takes two to tango right??

5.) A healthy & happy relationship requires two healthy & happy individuals.

The key point here is that each person in a relationship needs to have their own identity, their own interests & perspectives. It’s better to take your own happiness into your own hands. I would love the groom to workout more, as he is in such a better mood after he does. BUT until I know he’ll talk to me more, the idea of letting our time in week together be less than it all ready is, terrifies me. It’s an EMOTIONAL response versus a LOGICAL one, I know this. I accept this, yet it’s still so terrifying that I have to beg for what little undivided attention I get now. This is the 21st century, sadly there are a lot of distractions a couple has to endure, from electronic devices, to social media, to friends, family, personal health all of it. Then add in the hours of work that steals precious times too but are a necessary evil, as you have bills & expenses. It’s definitely a juggling act for sure as there are only so many hours in a day.

This is definitely something that would be easier to give if during the limited interactions we get during the week were not so hard forced as is. I’d love for us to have a conversation where once he’s lost interest or doesn’t enjoy the topic he checks out.. He picks up mail to randomly open, or decides to straight up just leave the room and dismisses conversation entirely, or gets on his phone and scrolls through social media while you talk, though it’s obvious he doesn’t care anymore & isn’t actively listening. We’re both guilty of it at times, sure but during a resolution attempt to a disagreement ect.. That’s the ABSOLUTE worst & MOST disrespectful way to be. - This realization his me hard this past month, & we are human & both quite guilty of it though I can say “I’ve never walked out while he’s trying to explain & help me understand his feelings on something.”

To me that’s a respect thing & I wasn’t aware of this fact until it was brought up in therapy a few weeks back & then it was like a fog had lifted, then suddenly every encounter over the entire relationships flashed to my mind & I became acutely aware of every instance that I or he had done this. It was a ground breaking & heart wrenching realization. Like these were encounters with someone I was living & planning a life with, that was my significant other; insert whatever title fits.. It was eye opening to say the least.

Don’t ever give up who you are for the person you are with. It’ll only backfire & make you both miserable. TRUST ME!

Have the COURAGE to be who you are & most importantly let your partner be who they are. I mean after all those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place.

Through, this relationship I’ve asked of my partner things that with previous ones was never an issue; please try & dress nicely, you aren’t an undergrad anymore, effort of courting because even though we’re in a relationship still pursue me, the little effort goes a long way, be considerate of one another & each others very different needs, also be kind & helpful, aware of the fact you live with another individual, cleanliness is important & don’t make your partner feel like your house keeper instead of your life partner, offer to help around the house, don’t just assume that because she always says something that on this day who answer wouldn’t be different, ALWAYS respect one another.

6.) Give each other space!

Separate bathrooms/bedrooms, separate vacations, night away with separate friends, separate hobbies. This touches on what was previously hinted on in 5.) but it’s a fact, separate interests is a great asset to ones relationship. However, if the foundation isn’t sturdy & both aren’t getting their other needs met then this is something that would be very hard to do.

Many are too afraid to give their partners too much space out of FEAR that their partner doesn’t want to be with them anymore.

Of course, this is something where if they feel secure in their place in relationship then it’s a lot easier to allow, as they know the loyalty is there, such as they know their place is rooted in the other’s heart & no other can replace them. They are their person & they don’t want anyone else. Then it’s a LOT easier to grant more space, but it’s got to be two people feeling that secure, it won’t work if one doesn’t feel as safe & secure in the relationship, it’s definitely an instance where discussion with one another on analyzing why one would feel these insecurities and together work on how to resolve them. For me my complex relationship background of betrayals from so many has rooted in me A LOT of TRUST issues, among other issues.

I cannot put the pressure to undo the past on my partner, BUT I can be honest with them on the cause, I can hope they love me enough to re-assure & prove their trust & loyalty which would help ease these fears, in doing so would obliviously help resolve & help strengthen our relationship. ACTIONS are just as important as WORDS!

7.) You & your partner will grow & change in unexpected ways. You need to embrace it. People change over time. Rather than trying to stay the same, the most successful relationships understand this and embrace the other partner as these changes occur. We get through this chapter & beat these extraordinarily challenging changes then we WILL get through ANYTHING that life throws at us. I 100% believe this with all that I am.

I mean look what’s been overcome separately, how could you not believe in what we can overcome together? Relationships continue to survive because the partners respect for each other meant they could each ADAPT & allow each to FLOURISH & GROW.

It is NOT easy, which is why you want to know how to fight.

8.) Get good at fighting!

I know, this sounds weird to say & even more odd to write but it makes total sense, just hang on a second. So Psychologists & research has done extensive analysis to figure out why couples stick together & why they break apart. It is SCIENCE, couples who are good at fighting together, stay together. The reality is that people will ALWAYS disagree numerous times over the course of a day & even the whole relationship. The couples who can successfully deal with CONFLICT are the ones whose relationship will THRIVE!

This is so simple, how we ever lose sight is beyond me, but we’re human so I go with that. Even as children we deal with conflict resolution with our friends & it grows as we do & as life changes, the conflicts also change, grow ect. Totally makes sense.

The bad way to fight is to do one of these 4 things;

A.) Criticize your partners character.

B.) Be defensive or shift blame.

C.) Show Contempt towards your partner.

D.) Threaten to withdrawal from the argument or ignore your partner.

We are human & we have each done these things, whether it be intentional or not. However, some take acknowledgement & now that they have been made more aware, & have actively attempted to use some of the below tools for positive resolution it’s better. Even though, several times these solutions have fallen flat. I mean it’s a learning process! It’s very hard to change ones instincts when acting on EMOTION.

When having a conflict try some of these resolution tactics;

A.) Never insult or Name-Call your partner.

B.) Do NOT bring up previous fights into the current one.

C.) If things get heated, take a breather. (Flooding etc)

D.) Remember that being “RIGHT” isn’t as important as both feeling respected.

Like I said; we are ALL human & when EMOTIONS are involved NO ONE THINKS with LOGIC or RATIONAL THOUGHTS. Ultimately, “FIGHTING” is about having enough respect for someone that you genuinely WANT to understand their perspective & where you both differ. You do NOT need to think the same way, but you do need to RESPECT how your partner thinks & feels on the subject at hand.

9.) Get good at FORGIVING!

This is how you making fighting productive part of a relationship that helps REPLENISH the LOVE as you both move through life. Choose your battles! Some things matter, are worth getting upset about & most do not. One thing I’ve noticed in ARGUING over the little things & we find ourselves just arguing endlessly. WHY? Well, because the little things pop up all day long! Those do take their toll over time. It is like Chinese Water Torture; minor in the short term, corrosive over time!

This past 60 days; I’ve paused & now actively have tried to consider; is this a little thing or a big thing? Is it worth the cost of an evenings peace, is it worth the cost of arguing? Since becoming more aware of my thinking it’s helped me not to dwell on so many little things, though again I am human so not saying I got it down, far from it.

ALSO please sincerely APOLOGIZE even if it’s simply acknowledging their opinions on something. I mean.. This is your person, your loved one, how could you not show them such respect to be like “I hear you, I’m sorry you feel like this because of X,Y,Z, I never meant to make you feel like this.” or “I’m sorry, I understand now, I’ll work on it & thanks for making me aware, I love you.” I’ll never understand WHY apologizing is so hard to do to someone you love.

Pride, the need to be admitting ones fault, losing the argument.. I mean so many reasons; 
It is truly mind boggling as this is someone you LOVE someone who should be your team no matter what, but yet, they are one of the hardest to apologize to for some. 
I eagerly apologize because of my FEAR from past relationships if I let my PRIDE or EGO win. However, there are plenty of times when it’s easy to apologize, which makes it all the more baffling. 
One thing is for sure, we are complex creatures.

*Deep Breathes & Play some music*

For this last key factor, please go to your music library as it’s just NEEDED!! 
Go to whatever source of music; bring up Salt-N-Pepa = Let’s Talk About Sex 
I remember when this hit dropped; March 19th 1990!

Okay, que it up then continue or is it just my 90’s kid side that feels this is needed

10.) SEX matters a HUGE amount!!

The nature of sex obviously varies per couple. However, it is CRUCIAL that EACH partner FEELS sexually satisfied. Now SEXUAL SATISFACTION can be in many ways & forms such as; Experimentation, living out fantasies, or something as simple as committing to frequency. I mean it literally comes down to what as a couple & as individuals need for themselves to feel satisfied. No, it doesn’t mean tally up your orgasms. Sex does not just keep the relationship healthy. It can also be used to HEAL relationships. Such as; sometimes when a relationship gets DIFFICULT, some couples commit to having SEX every day for ONE WEEK. Then as if by magic, things improve.

Never have I tried the one week approach in this relationship, but in previous ones, I can say it definitely helped.

MAKE UP SEX is something that has been instrumental in some relationships. However, in others it caused more harm than good. This is another approach I’ve not done in this current relationship, but have done in others.

My Background INSIGHT: In this current relationship, I entered NOT the same as I was in ALL the other relationships, for I came in to this one after YEARS, upon YEARS of horrible BETRAYALS, from people who NEVER should of done so to a daughter, to a friend, to a lover. I come into this relationship as someone who’s survived so much darkness, so much hurt, so much loss. Some of those highlights; RAPE, someone who’s been stabbed, shot & burnt alive all betrayals by guardians or loved ones. Those aren’t even all them, those are just some. My level of TRUST issues is on a whole other level. Then add in the fact that being TOUCHED is ENOUGH to send me into a full on PANIC ATTACK, or causes EXTREME ANXIETY if i’m not prepared for the contact. I’m someone who has a high level of ANXIETY. I still have NIGHTMARES which isn’t like others as for me it’s re-playing REAL LIFE TRAUMA that I’d all ready EXPERIENCED & SURVIVED. 
Yet, by some miracle, I met a kind hearted man who I had absolutely NO intention to date, let alone FALL IN LOVE WITH, yet it was the most unplanned & wonderful thing to happen to me. 


He was not always patient with my issues, but because he loved me he learnt to be better about them, but again we are all just human, so impatience, frustration all were aspects HEAVILY present in our BEGINNING YEAR, also some forms of BULLYING; not take your lunch money kind, but the PUSHING one does when they want something so bad, they forget sometimes how difficult it is for a person who’s been so broken. They lose sight of all the imperfections and flaws, because all ones sees his the partner that means everything to them.

So SEX for us, was not always something that could hold us through a disagreement or fight, don’t get me wrong, I truly thought in the beginning of our relationship that it CAN heal, I’d say it definitely helped SPEED up the process. I was so shocked how attracted I was to a man given everything I’d survived previously, I hadn’t even checked a guy out in a years, then this intelligent man agreed to meet me for mini golf & dinner, the feelings he was able to AWAKEN in me, were ones I had previously sworn would never return again. It goes to show, no matter what you say, NEVER say NEVER!!
When we first got together, I had to learn to accept HUGS, how to NOT flinch at every movement; every caress of the hand, to not get frightened when he freely touched me in ANY capacity, let alone INTIMATELY, to not let the PAST scare me from pursuing the opportunity to FULLY embrace the PRESENT, despite ALL the vast years of EVIDENCE of HURT & BETRAYAL I’d known from nearly every person I’d EVER met in my life, WITH the EXCEPTION of a SMALL handful. The first time I heard the words “I LOVE YOU” I held it together for the moment & at first chance I got I went and broke down in the restroom to privately cry, because I believed his words & it terrified me to allow someone in, I was so scared of myself. I knew I loved him before he knew he loved me, but BOTH were EXTREMELY TERRIFYING REALIZATIONS. The level of impatience he had where my interactions with his family were concerned were overwhelming & definitely did nothing but SLOW the process down. HOWEVER, the fact that I love this amazing yet INFURIATINGLY STUBBORN individual, is why I NEVER stop TRYING to be BETTER, the fact that his LOVE LANGUAGE is PHYSICAL TOUCH is gut wrenching. 
The FEAR of the REAL possibility that it could FOREVER be the one thing I may never FULLY 
learn to work through to the LEVEL he wants. As CURRENTLY it’s ONE of the MOST DIFFICULT things for me to overcome on a DAILY basis.

He said the other day in our therapy session; I haven’t really come that far.

I didn’t get ANGRY at his comment as it’s entirely his OPINION. That same session he complained our SEX LIFE was VANILLA. It also UPSETS him GREATLY that I don’t like to be eaten out, I honestly informed this to him the very first time & sure enough in that moment he definitely knew as I dried so quick it was like an instant drought. GAINING PERSPECTIVE IS IMPORTANT FOR EACH PARTNER IN A RELATIONSHIP:

From where he is sitting, sure I haven’t gotten that much progress from day 1 together to day whatever this is nearly 3yrs later.. HOWEVER, he never knew me before TRAUMA, he NEVER knew the young free spirited, FEARLESS GIRL. Since he’s known me he has never seen my SPONTANEOUS side, my GOOFY & CARE FREE SELF, the one who used to LOVE to be SURPRISED! The girl he MET, the girl who he fell in LOVE with, the woman he MARRIED is one who’s EXTREMELY PATIENT, who does need to have more CONTROL then her old self ever needed in order to be safe, she now FEELS touch FAR different than in her YOUNGER self. She is more aware of the fact that SOME people are TERRIBLE humans, she has learnt to not give her HEART so easily. She takes LONGER to feel comfortable in ALL situations, FRIENDSHIPS aren't as easy to forge as they ONCE were. She has learnt the POWER OF TRULY GIVING FORGIVENESS, she understands how PRECIOUS LIFE & the PEOPLE you spend your time with are.

Truthfully, I know how hard I am to LOVE, I wish LIKE HELL, I knew how to re-grasp my younger pre-damaged - self, there is a DARKNESS within that I battle DAILY. I still remember how ENJOYABLE life was to not live with ANXIETY, I long to go back to that time. HOWEVER, it’s impossible. Thus, I make the best of the here & now & some days it’s easier than others, but NO matter WHAT, I’ve learned to

NEVER give up.

My past is not so much my WEAKNESS, it’s my STRENGTH as I APPRECIATE what I have so much more because I know how fleeting it is. MAYBE, this makes me selfish or naive, but one thing is for sure; I AM REAL ABOUT ALL OF IT. From day one I’ve been upfront & honest, never getting the same patience which has been asked of me during these 60 days of NON-SIGNING our MARRIAGE papers, even though we HAD a CEREMONY. The younger me, never would of stuck around, nor would I be so patient while he FIXED himself, so EVEN though he longs for me to be like that young girl he’s heard friends talk about.. That girl would not of been able to LOVE him.

MY ADVICE: Find what works for your relationship, again I’m no therapist but I’ve had several long lasting relationships & although my new MARRIAGE hasn’t been a fairy tale from the start to present. 
Even though it is still VERY much up in the air if the groom even wants to continue to work towards building our life together or not. I still LOVE him & if he never gets to the same level of LOVE & COMMITMENT then at least I had my dream for a moment & a few chapters, which is better than NEVER having any of it at all. It is far better than being left with the thought of “I wish I did more, I wish I did better.” No matter how this LOVE STORY ends, I know I gave my ALL every single day of it, until I had nothing left to give.

REAL TALK: If only one of you is fighting for the relationship to work, it’ll NEVER work. You BOTH have to be ALL in or it doesn’t stand a CHANCE.

Thank you for reading, I literally wrote this for myself but felt I’d share who knows maybe this gives insight or just something to kill the time, maybe you didn’t even read to the end or you did & feel you wasted your time, who knows. For me it was cathartic to put all my thoughts on paper..

- A Not Really WIFE.