This Broke Millennial

For the past few years, I’ve been stuck in a rut. Mind you, I hadn’t noticed this until last year. And when it hit me, much to my dismay, I locked my door, turned off all the lights and started crying. I usually pride myself on being indifferent and not letting my emotions get the best of me, but in this case, it was necessary. It was like everything I bottled up inside just came spilling out of me.

Unfortunately, yes, peeps, I’m another millennial whining about how my life sucks so much. I don’t usually talk about what’s on my mind and there’s a reason for that; it because some people didn’t like what I had to say or didn’t care. Most of the years in school were hell for me. Being the quiet student for some reason meant that I was an easy target for torment and teasing. But when I did learn to speak up and defend myself it made the teasing even worse. By high school I simply learned to think more and talk less.

Again, mind you, I’m not blaming the world for the mistakes I’ve made in the past; that’s all on me and my responsibility to make it right. But how do you pull yourself from a rut? I’m sure for lots of people they know and have given this answer to their family and friends who are stuck as well. And yes, I’ve heard these same answers myself.

So, lets talk about how and when I’ve noticed this. First, there were some days that dragged on, others that bled together into one day; suddenly it’d be Wednesday, but I would think its Monday. Secondly, I’d become forgetful and forget simple things, my attention span shrinks, I get easily bored and am unable to muster any motivation and let’s not forget the lack of fulfillment. It’s like depression without all the severe symptoms known to harm you. Except, it is harming you in some way.

My life has gone absolutely no where and everyday I remind myself of this making that feeling of hopelessness sink deeper into my soul further killing my motivation and enthusiasm. My head my and my heart are basically at war with each other. In my heart I’m desperate for change and fulfillment. In my head, however, I find myself terrified of taking that step forward, fearing failure and feeling unworthy.

Why is it that I long for change, but fear it as well?

Thinking back on when I was 18:

I’ve just graduated high school, I’m relieved, and am finally letting go of that breath I’ve held onto for 4 years. I’m excited, free of restrictions, and feeling ready to take on the world; I can do whatever the hell I want and no one can stop me. But I made a decision that I regret to this day: I went to live back with my Dad and sisters.

I know what you’re thinking: “Girl, are you crazy? You get to live with yo pops, rent free and you complaining about living with him?”

If my father lived in a decent house, had a good, paying job, I’d agree with you. But this is not the case. I love my father to death and would do anything for him, but he has series of flaws that bugs the hell out of me. He comes from family of people who are okay with living in squalor and getting by. Granted, I don’t expect perfection and a fairy-tale life. I’m not deluded, but I expect my dad to look at where we live and think, “we can do better than this. I want better for myself and my girls.” Yet, he’s okay with doing menial jobs for next to nothing.

My father is the most generous man alive, but lets his so-called friends take advantage of him. They are well aware of how and where we live, but do nothing to help and just ask for favors from him. This is where I realize with regret and anger that I should not have come back to my Dad and sisters. For the past couple of years, I have thought about this and every single time I do I hit my head with the palm of my hand and think: What the hell was I thinking? Why did I decide to do this instead?

I certainly know the answer to this too, and it took me a while to realize it…it’s a cop out. Coming back to my dad was nothing more than a crutch for me avoid going out into world doing something and possibly failing.

And here I write this, after so many months of reflection, are finally deciding to make another decision that will change my life.

I’m done with this shit.