There was Nothing Left to do but Learn to Like Myself

"If you need to talk, I'm here."

"Let's do something! I'll call you sometime."

"We should get together more often. But this week is crazy…"

People say things like this all the time, but I especially noticed it after I was living alone. When my kids lived at home, people likely said these things, too. But who had time to notice that no one actually ever called? I didn't. They didn't.

And I really didn't notice when my husband was still alive. I was busy taking care of him: taking him to medical appointments, rushing home from work so he didn't have to spend any more time alone than necessary.

But I noticed after I moved into my new house, by myself. The newness of the house wore off and people stopping dropping by or calling to see if they could come by for coffee.

I noticed people kept saying those things but…they didn't mean them.

When I called them, they were busy. Living their lives. Just like I used to be.

Eventually, I stopped taking the initiative to make the phone calls and send the messages.

At first, I was mad. It just showed me who my real friends were, I thought. I could see who I really mattered to. Fine, I didn't need them.

I decided I didn't need anyone. I was wrong. But I think I needed to think that for a time in order to get where I am now.

Because when I decided that, I realized if I was going to live alone and actually be alone, I was going to have to make one major change:

I was going to have to like myself.

And if I was going to learn to like myself, I was going to have to get to know myself.

I'd never really had time to think about who I was. Heck, I was too busy trying to figure other people out to give a thought about who I was.

Sure, I knew I was a mom, a wife, a waitress, a writer. But what mattered to me? What did I even enjoy doing when I wasn't being those things? What was I willing to fight for? How did I really want to live my life?

I couldn't answer any of those things, at first. Heck, I'm still figuring it out!

Even though I wasn't really sure what I was doing, I started floundering around. I began to ask myself things like, "What are you feeling? Why?" and "What can you do to change it? But do you need to change it?"

When I went to bed at night, my brain reeled with thoughts. Entire conversations took place in my head. I turned on the TV to drown the voices out.

It was scary.

I had text relationships with complete strangers I met in Facebook groups or on Twitter or on dating apps. I had no intentions of meeting them in real life.

So, the whole "getting to know myself" process was slow. I constantly got in my own way to avoid thinking about myself. I created road blocks that forced me to detour away from my journey.

I won't lie - I'm still figuring it all out. Still learning who I am and what I believe in.

I still avoid, distract and hide when I'm uncomfortable. I still look for the easier route. But more often, I push past the temptation to do these things and get a little closer to learning to like and love me.

The thing is, I know now that I can take as much time as I need. Even though I don't live alone anymore, I've realized that there's no one to answer to except myself.

In the end, we all live alone, so it's a whole hell of a lot more enjoyable if you like yourself!