The year of enlightenment

This year has been unexplainable. I entered it believing I could do better but I just made the same mistakes, my playlist is evidence of that. I took a trip down heartbreak lane where I managed to convince myself I was unjust for hurting. I would smile, smile, smile to the world but cry, cry, cry behind closed doors. No one knew. I did not have anyone to go to but the one who hurt me so dearly. He had his family to open to but I did not. My silent existence is what caused me to not be able to open up to no body. I needed a soul but all I had was my own soul. I felt stupid but whilst I was there I felt loved and at home; I’ve always been selfless so I would never hold my ground which allowed violations. This selflessness is what made me become bait to those who do not know how to tend to an individual. I was tricked by my own thoughts thinking he was a good man and that he would take care of my heart. I did not know that it was my job to look after my heart. I feel for him. I mean I fell for him. But me falling made me fumble and as I fumbled I was most definitely humbled. I just wanted to be happy. Now I know it is only me who can bring happiness, I can not depend on others or rely on them to make me happy. I wanted to give all I had and I did. But at my most vulnerable I was exploited so badly I don’t think I can do it again. I’m too emotional.

I was so alone even though I was surrounded by people, so so many people. Lockdown did not help one bit as I couldn’t work. My job is what helped me not think and think about my situation. Being an over thinker is not easy, it’s exhausting. You probably wonder why I’m talking about my job helping me, not only did it allow me to socialise but my workplace played constant songs and that healed. Work became my healer. As I walked up and down the pub floor, I was in my own world on this floor

Music was my escape. It was my only escape. The words told a story that I was not able to verbalise or make the words for. Music became my strength. I no longer listened to music as the music listened to me. I found comfort in music. Due to listening to many songs and realising I needed doses everyday to get me by I one day created a playlist, I called it “my armour”. The songs within this playlist are songs which spoke to my soul and helped me carry life on. Instead of just surviving, I began to LIVE! I accepted my past mistakes instead of trying to erase them or lie to myself. I became a better me, I am still on that journey but with God’s Grace I’ll continue on this healthy path, for the sake of me. I matter too.

The playlist which I have attached has some songs in different languages as I’m bilingual but the beat or tempo speaks to me also. I find songs my medicine in regards to the content of the lyrics or the way the overlays sound.I hope you enjoy these songs as much as I do and to anyone beginning their healing or are still healing, you have got this, do not give up

Here’s the link https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/Vze5N55i8NVckPz38