Timileyin Ayanbanjo

The year of enlightenment

This year has been unexplainable. I entered it believing I could do better but I just made the same mistakes, my playlist is evidence of that. I took a trip down heartbreak lane where I managed to convince myself I was unjust for hurting. I would smile, smile, smile to the world but cry, cry, cry behind closed doors. No one knew. I did not have anyone to go to but the one who hurt me so dearly. He had his family to open to but I did not. My silent existence is what caused me to not be able to open up to no body. I needed a soul but all I had was my own soul. I felt stupid but whilst I was there I felt loved and at home; I’ve always been selfless so I would never hold my ground which allowed violations. This selflessness is what made me become bait to those who do not know how to tend to an individual. I was tricked by my own thoughts thinking he was a good man and that he would take care of my heart. I did not know that it was my job to look after my heart. I feel for him. I mean I fell for him. But me falling made me fumble and as I fumbled I was most definitely humbled. I just wanted to be happy. Now I know it is only me who can bring happiness, I can not depend on others or rely on them to make me happy. I wanted to give all I had and I did. But at my most vulnerable I was exploited so badly I don’t think I can do it again. I’m too emotional.