The things you do for love.

What's better than love? No really. What's better than having a person you could envision spending the rest of your life with? Someone you could travel the world, spend holidays, and have kids with? When we boil life down, it's ultimately about finding your purpose and/or your partner. If you're not shooting to be with the likes of Steve Jobs, Steven Tyler, or The Rock then maybe you'd prefer a much more conservative lifestyle; nevertheless, in the end, everyone wants someone. I was 15 when I met the mother of my child and at the time I had no conception of what real love was or how it may feel coming from a space of casual dating. From the time I was 15 to 20 years old (and still sometimes to this day), I was in a back and forth fight with my own ego and emotions about myself and unknowingly slowly causing the decay of love I was supposed to be nurturing and sharing with the newest member of my family and mother of my daughter. Young love is never easy and once you're 10 ft deep under a wave of emotions you're drowning in the thought of always having that person around then disappointment always ensues with frustration and anger when you or that person no longer want to "do this". My ego and need to feel in control lead me into a situation with my daughter's mom where I not only made an ass of myself but completely disrespected her intelligence and place in my life.

When you care about someone it shows; maybe not every day because feelings and emotions are temporary, one day you're hot, next day you're cold. However, every lover has that dilemma in their mind or even in real life, that would make them drop their pride, hate, and ego to be at their partner's side. That happened for me maybe two or three years after our child was born when I questioned myself what did I have to gain or lose by sticking with the family I decided to create? Why did I hold so much pain and hurt behind this person? Did I really put forth an honest effort to be the man my family needed me to be? As the casual overthinking, anxious Capricorn I am I have thought about my "dilemma" from the moment my daughter's mom became a permanent person in my life. I've thought about A to Z and Z to A, from beginning to end and start to finish and in the end, I decided that being with family is always the more powerful investment of time because family is forever. Over the years our relationship has had its highs and lows and all the curves in between but there's never been anything we couldn't handle, just maybe handled better.

Really, being in love is like being on a scary roller coaster but you stay on the ride because you feel comfortable, safe, and secure with the person you're riding with. It took me a "good little minute" before I got to a point of emotional comfortability again with her because I had conditioned myself to have this hard stone-cold heart with her which made me do things in a manner that came off nonchalant and inconsiderate. I'm very family-oriented, caring, empathetic, and far from selfish and for her to know those characteristics about me then see how I treat her in certain dilemmas, would put one in the mindset that I actually don't love at all. I had a breakthrough with myself maybe a year or two ago when she began dating someone else, personally, the feelings were always there but the lack of courtship lead to this. Not at the same time of course but around the same time she began to see another guy and I realized all this person wants from me is the assurance that I'll ride the roller coaster with her. I've already got a lifelong ticket for the ride of a lifetime by sharing a child with her but for the last 4-5 years it was as if I kept getting up out of my seat stalling the ride.

At some point, if you really love someone, no matter how hard it is, you have to question yourself. Swallowing that hard pill of self-reflection sucks but there are positive side effects that can change your life for the better. One of my closest friends just also happens to be my daughter's mom, and now being 25 I ask myself would I want to lose my friend and possible lifetime partner because I committed to something too early and wanted to quit? Or can I ride the hills and curves with someone who's going to go thru the same trials and tribulations as I do? When you're willing to sacrifice parts of your life whether it be time, money, or energy for the greater good of a relationship with a person that's just kindness; but when you're willing to sacrifice all of that so the other person can benefit and elevate, that's love. Safe to say I've found myself being more loving than cold these days and honestly just trust your gut to tell you who to get on scary rides with.