The Things I Find

This year, I turned twenty. On the second day of every new year, my aging becomes apparent through numbers. I’m not as worried about it as Bella Swan was, but I do get a little flighty.

The thing is, it’s scary getting older. The reason I haven’t gotten my driver’s license yet is because I am scared of getting older. You have to face real life as you get older. You have to pay bills and get a full time job and find a place to live. Sometimes, you find yourself having to be responsible for tiny versions of yourself (in my opinion, that has to be the worst part).

Now, that’s not to say there aren’t great parts to getting older. I was able to meet the love of my life and then marry her because I was getting older. I am allowed to decide what to do with my money because I’m older. And because people connect age with authority, I am allowed to say that I deserve to be treated better.

I have to retract my earlier statement. Having to raise tiny human versions of yourself is not the worst part of adulthood. The worst part - due to the fear, the anxiety, and the unknown that follows it - is being responsible for standing up for yourself. No longer can you lean on your parents or your siblings or your friends. No, you have to be the one to recognize the mistreatment, to stand up and say, “Hey, you’re not allowed to treat me like that.”

I learned very quickly that I couldn’t rely on anyone else to do it for me when I was having to stand up against my parents’ poor treatment of me, my siblings’ poor treatment of me, and some of my friends’ too. Sometimes, I’ve even had to look at my wife and say that she needs to apologize and treat me better.

I’m saying this all because I’ve only just recently learned it. I had to cut some of my family off because they would hear me say that I deserved better and laugh in my face. I had to face the fact that I may never speak to them again until something changes for them. I’ve had to take responsibility for these things because I cannot continue to grow and change and be satisfied with my life until I put my foot down.

You also have to learn that age does not equal maturity. You may feel that you’re parenting your parents, or that your aunt is a bully, or that you’re facing really hard stuff while all of your friends are out partying. Age does not equal maturity, and maturity does not equal responsibility. It is not your job to parent your parents, it is not your job to teach your aunt what is wrong and what is right, it is not your job to show up to every party when you have to figure out how you’re going to eat the next day.

Life is tough. It’s fluid. It changes. The hardship you face this week may not be the hardship you face next week. One day, someone may be in your life, the next, they may not. Remember that everyday is a new chance. You can get a new job, you can move out, you can start saving up for a new car, you can get married, you can leave your partner. Everyday is a chance to grow and get better and to find happiness.

At twenty, I am trying to understand and grow and become better. There is no right or wrong way. As long as you can find happiness and accept it, that is okay.