The Secret to a Loving, Happy Relationship

When people experience breakups or leave relationships, they often tell themselves the other person wasn't a good match. They think if they can just find someone who is more compatible than the previous person, then they'll be happy and feel loved and connected; It will solve all their doubts and worries within relationships.

And while compatibility—which I define as like-mindedness when it comes to goals and values and energy output—is an important factor, the truth is, healthy relationships take effort to nurture and nourish. Like your house yard: You can move into a new house with the most gorgeous, vibrant landscaping, but if you don't make time to pull the weeds and mow the grass and water the plants, and rake up the dead leaves, that yard is not going to stay gorgeous for long. It will get overgrown and wither from lack of water and plants will die. There is not a perfect person who you can get into a relationship with and then ignore, and still count on them being a good match with you.

"Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions."

-Ester Perel

Even in a healthy relationship—especially in a healthy relationship—you still need to do your proverbial weeding, planting, watering, and raking, and this comes in the form of putting forth effort in your relationship.

Communication: Discuss one another's boundaries and needs; Listen without judgment; Hold room for one another's fantasies and desires. Share and support one another's goals and dreams.

Attention and intention: The Magical Formula. Continue to court your partner and plan date nights, like you did when you first met; Show physical affection - and not just of the sexual variety (this can be a kiss on the temple as you walk by her, or a hand trailing across his back as you pass by where he sits); When you're spending time together, make sure your undivided attention is focused on your partner (at least some of the time), rather than on devices or tv. Be intentional about connecting with them.

Self-reflection and healing from past trauma (and allowing your partner space to do the same): If you and your partner both do your respective inner work before you get into a relationship, the chances for a healthy relationship go up. You'll be aware of what sets you off, what wounds you carry, and how to heal those wounds so you don't need to protect them. But if you are already in a relationship, it's not too late! If you and your partner both figure out how to heal your past traumas and not hold onto patterns that no longer serve you, as well as allow space for the other to grow and evolve, this will also enhance your relationship.

"Intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is 'you're safe with me', that's intimacy."

- Taylor Jenkins Reid

And before I go too much further, I know some cheeky reader with a sarcastic sense of humor is thinking about hiring professional landscapers to tend to the pruning, weeding, mowing, etc., of the yard. (I know because I am often that cheeky reader.) Yes, you can outsource some of this work: This is why it's important to allow your partner space to be who they were before they met you, spend time with friends or whatever hobbies fill up their happiness cup, spend time with friends, and take a time out from partnering or parenting or whatever particular challenges you face as a couple. But if you outsource everything, your partner will likely begin to feel as if your relationship isn't a priority nor important to you, and that will affect how happy and loving they feel and how much effort they will also want to invest in keeping the relationship in bloom.

"And the secret garden bloomed and bloomed and every morning revealed new miracles."

-Frances Hodgson Burnett

What makes landscaping so beautiful is the variety of colors, textures, heights, and types of plants. A homogeneous yard is flat and uninspiring. In the same way, a relationship between people who come from vastly different backgrounds can be more vibrant, but you'll also need to educate yourselves on how to best tend the yard and the variety of plants and flowers on display. Hopefully, you and your partner will each understand yourselves well enough to be able to help the other person understand how to best care for you (eg., what makes you feel most loved.)

An essential part of having a vibrant, healthy yard is occasionally stepping back to appreciate the beauty. This also holds for relationships. Focusing your gratitude on what is beautiful will enhance the luster of your love.