The Reverse Bucket List

It had been ten years to the day since she got the shoe box. As she sat on the couch, she finally felt comfortable enough to look through it after all this time. The dust on top of the box reminded her how she had put off opening the box that her best friend, Drew, had left for her after he committed suicide. It shocked everyone as it seemed to just come out of nowhere, but no one was more stunned than she was. After taking a deep breath she blew the dust off the top of the box and opened it. There were a bunch of folded handwritten letters, with her name on them and his bucket list. Instead of looking through the letters she decided to look at the bucket list, since it was something they had worked on achieving together. She could see his face explaining “Why make a bucket list when I’m close to death?” he said beamingly “No, no, no let’s just do it now. That way I can say I lived my life, and not tried to rush everything at the last second!”

As she went down the list she lingered fondly over the memories. Skydiving, petting a tiger, flying over the Bermuda Triangle. The last thing on the list was watch a meteor shower. Drew drove them to the top of a high cliff and they laid in the bed of his truck staring at the sky. “It’s so beautiful” Drew whispered to her.

“Yeah it is” she said looking over at Drew. Their eyes met in a moment that seemed deeper than words could describe.

“You think your wishes come true?” he asked.

"Not really, we hardly-“ her phone rang interrupting her statement “ How do I have reception up here?” she wondered aloud.

“You need to come home now!” Drew could hear her boyfriend screaming over the phone.

“But remember I’m with Drew right now, this is the last thing on the list and we agr-“

“I don’t care come home now or all your shit will be outside!” her boyfriend said beratingly.

A look of sadness washed over her face as she hung up the phone “Drew can you take me home?”

As they drove to her house Drew grew visibly frustrated. The radio played softly in the background until Drew couldn’t take it anymore. “I don’t know why you are with him.” he mumbled loudly

“He really isn’t that bad” she said unconvincingly

“He is verbally abusive, he is manipulative and if he really loved you he would never treat you that way” Drew said matter of factly.

“I love him and despite what you may think Drew he loves me” she said.

“No he doesn’t love you, I love you”

“What?”

Drew shook his head and took a deep breath “I love you, and you love me” She stared at him as the streetlights illuminated the truck. At this point she felt no different than the truck. He was the light that brightened her life whenever he was around but she never said it. She felt it often but never allowed herself to feel it, “You are the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing in the morning” he said baring his soul, and tonight would be no different. “Say something” he begged.

“I, I, can’t” she said overcome with emotion “I love him.”

“I know” he said turning his head to the look out the window.

“But” she hesitated, looking at him “I just”

“I know” Drew repeated never looking back towards her he turned the radio up and the twenty minute ride felt like it stretched for hours.

They pulled up to her house she felt like she had to say something. “Sorry Drew” she said as she reached for his hand. “You know I care right. Just if I said I love you, it would make things weird” her eyes began to water “I just don’t know if I can.”

“I should’ve just kept that to myself” he said never looking in her direction.

As she got out the car she still felt the need to say something, so she walked around to his window “That was the last thing on the list right?” hoping to at least end on a positive note.

“Just about” Drew said forcing a smile “Night.”

“Night Drew.” As she walked to her house she knew something didn’t feel right. Was it her feelings about Drew she had been trying to suppress? She knew she was in a bad relationship, but it wasn’t until she heard him say “I love you” that she put it all together. Unfortunately he would never get to hear her say “I love you”.

Looking down at the box it seemed overflowing with letters. She placed the Bucket list down and wiped away her tears. Reaching in the box she pulled out a random note. A smile broke out across her face as she began reading what appeared to be a failed love song Drew wrote for her. She felt what she could describe as a cool breeze rush over her, and then out of the corner of her eye she noticed that the bucket list fallen on the floor face down. When she picked it up off the floor she noticed something else on the list, something she had never noticed before. As she read the paper, she glanced back at the box full of the letters in the box and began sobbing. The unchecked box read “Tell Ellie how much I love her, and give her the box.” She got up to find a pen and checked the last box on the list.