The Heart, The Man, The Clot

*The heart is a tricky thing. In one definition it is a vital organ to life. In another it is a “feeling” we are told to follow. We talk about hearts and how we know things by it, or how they can be broken though not literally, and how they can be full of an emotion that isn’t physical in the slightest but yet you feel. The heart in both definition, feeling and even in word can have so many meanings. But truthfully they are all connected.*

Four years ago the doctors said it was a heart attack. All of Lloyd's friends though, they said it was a broken heart. Four and a half years ago, Lloyd stumbled onto his wife’s infidelity. Hoping to save the relationship with the love of his life he tried everything, and then right when he felt it would work out, he caught her in the act. As he ran out of the front door, his heart beating rapidly, he got in the car and drove to his best friend’s house. It all felt wrong, all of it. How could this have happened to him? His body felt weak as he approached his best friend’s door. Then he blinked.

As he came to he saw a doctor in front of him holding a thick docket of papers. Her face was fuzzy, but her voice was becoming clearer as he began to focus. "Mr. Cash, you had a heart attack," the doctor explained calmly. "We aren't sure what triggered it" Her tone now switched to confusion "All the tests we ran show you in good health, but that is what’s scary. Because we don’t know what caused it" She stopped to look Lloyd in the eye. “We don’t know what will happen if you have another one.” Lloyd had stopped listening long ago, when everything started flooding back into his brain. He realized two things. His wife wasn't there, and this wasn’t a horrible dream.

It took his heart four years to get itself back together. He spent lots of nights staring into the darkness. Everything he did was a burden. Everything was a trigger. He couldn't use his heart to guide him anymore and began over thinking constantly, an issue he thought he had finally gotten rid of when he was with her. Now in her absence, it came back stronger. As if trying to not only fill the void she left, but any crack or crevice in his mind. The abrupt change from following his heart, to now following the depths of his brain weighed on him heavily, even showing an effect on him physically. His once warm smile now gone, replaced with a melancholy look from his forced smile. His skin once soft looking and inviting, was now rough as the life he felt he was living. He still looked and dressed well, only to try to stop anyone who didn’t really know him from asking questions. For those who knew him though it wasn’t hard to tell. You could see him slumped partially, his head always down, as if the weight of his thoughts prevented him from looking up. His friends could notice the change and began jokingly calling him Atlas, first amongst themselves, then to his face. This didn't bother Lloyd in the slightest. As a matter of fact, it actually felt right.

Then one day while out with his best friend everything changed. "Lloyd it has been long enough man, you gotta get out there." Juelz exclaimed, while in his mind hoping he would actually get Lloyd to agree. “It's been long enough."

"I know man" Lloyd said shocking even himself. “Wait, what the hell?” his inner thoughts now escaping verbally.

Over the next few months Lloyd allowed his friends to set him up on blind dates. After all of them he found a reason not to like them, all but Cherise. Cherise was Lloyd’s soul mate, they both knew it, immediately having a deeper connection upon eye contact. He could feel himself calling to her in his mind day and night and knew she was the one. Caving into his heart and ignoring his brain Lloyd pursued her. While his friends, and even Cherise herself would tell you she was nothing special to look at, to Lloyd there wasn’t a more attractive creature created. Her pale skin made her brown freckles pop on her skin. Lloyd would trace his fingers up and down her arms and face, and he often refer her as his “living map of all the unmapped universe.” She had a mom body, though she had never had a child. Under her usual attire of hoodies and jeans was a body that Lloyd always seemed to be surprised to see. Her shy and tomboy upbringing kept her figure covered majority of the time. But in the end none of that mattered to Lloyd. Their connection ran deeper, filling his entire body with meaning. The more time they spent together the more it was undeniable, they were in love though neither of them would say it. At least intentionally.

The sun crept through the blinds as the two lay in bed. The television still on playing the “Rick and Morty” DVD they had fallen asleep watching. Their clothes lined both sides of the bed in Cherise’s room. They practically lived together at this point, even though they both had their own place. It didn’t matter whose place they were at, they were both home to them no matter where they were, just like they were whenever they were together. A small breeze swept through the room reminding Cherise that it wasn’t quite spring yet. She looked over her shoulder to Lloyd and made a whimpering noise while saying, “I’m cold.” She knew this would prompt him to roll over and throw his arm around her and pull her close, so he could perfectly cup her. His feet under hers, his legs bent into hers, his morning wakeup call fitting perfectly in between her cheeks, his right arm around her all the way around her to her left breast, his left arm sliding under the pillow until his fingertips peaked from under her pillow and towards the edge of the small bed. Her favorite part of this whole situation was when he would snuggle his lips into the back of her neck and gently kiss her. Once he did that she would push her butt back into him and smile, and though he couldn’t see it, he could feel it. She would let out a satisfying sigh and mumble, “Mmmhhmm, Good Morning Handsome.” She could feel his lips turn into a smile on the back of her neck.

“Hi” his voice gravelly from the nights lack of use.

“Oh, please-“

“I know, I know,” his breathe was the worst smelling thing in the morning. She once described it as smelling like “death” something they both got a day worth of hard laughs from. He made an agreement to not speak in the morning until brushing his teeth first. This morning he would decide to wait in the bed for a while.

“I had this crazy dream last night” she began saying worriedly. “We were out doing laundry and when we walking into the laundromat, you had dropped some socks” she paused measuredly “when you went to grab them you fell down and when I went to extend my hand to help you up, you proposed.” She could feel him smiling on the back of her neck, but she still grew more concerned. “It is just crazy because we have never even said ‘I love you’ to each other.” She could feel the smile fading off his lips as she made her statement. “I know we agreed to never say it, but I can’t hold back anymore. I don’t want to go another day without telling you ‘I love you’, I love you more than I love myself, Lloyd. Tomorrow is never promised, and I’m asking you please just this one time, tell me just once,” she said now, pleading with him, “Just allow me to hear it once, so that I will have the memory in my brain forever.”

Lloyd, now overcome with shock and fear from having this all happen at once, and first thing in the morning began to feel fear in his heart. Knowing he could buy himself some more time, he quickly pulled away from Cherise and slid out the bed motioning to his mouth that he was going to brush his teeth first. She looked at him somewhat disappointed, and waved him to the bathroom. He forced a smile and fled to the bathroom.

He knew he loved Cherise, but he could never say it, when you put a name on something, it begins to lose its value, he thought. If he said he loved her he would be setting himself up for another heartbreak, and he didn’t ever want to feel that again. His feelings were undeniable though, this was the women of his dreams. She was his “Safe Place”, and while he would do anything for her, this was the one thing he wouldn’t be able to. The heartache from the last time began to fill him, could he handle another possible heartbreak? The last one almost killed him. Then suddenly, his heart began to beat faster, he felt butterflies in his stomach, he was light headed with the thought of finally being able to tell her out loud he loved her. He brushed his teeth vigorously and looked at himself in the mirror. Wiped the crust out his eyes and smiled. I love her, and if this is what I need to do then fuck it!, He walked into the room, his heart beating rapidly with excitement “Cherise Kimberly Stewart!” he said as he walked into the room, his heart practically beating out his chest at this point, his eyes watering with excitement “I love you, I fucking love you so much!”

She sprang up and pushed him down on the bed, straddling him. He wore a smile so big he could barely open his eyes. She leaned in to kiss him. She could fell his heart beating so fast, she kissed him holding his face as she bent down. Her tears of joy ran on his cheek. But he didn’t kiss her back. “Babe!” she said still holding her lips on top of his. “I love you so much” she said as she sat up. Staring at him she realized something didn’t feel right “Babe?!”

He blinked.

Four years ago. The darkness was almost as heavy as the silence. The Heart looked around his home destroyed. The place he lived in, worked and was unexplainably a part of was broken again. He knew the place well without the lights. This was an intimate spot, barely enough room for one, but easily manageable for the Heart to operate in. Besides he is almost always working, except for that one time he took a quick break. Which resulted in this incident in the first place. I should have just focused on down here instead of sending messages up to guide the Brain, he thought. The Heart fumbled in the darkness feeling around for the fragments of itself. For the most part he was in two big chunks, but the pieces in the middle was were the damage was done. “This is far worse than last time” the heart said feeling around.

“The tear is massive, some of the pieces that were broken from last time have cracks in them, and some of these new pieces are even worse than those”

“Hello?” a voice called softly to The Heart “It’s so dark down here, hold on allow me to help.” Suddenly a light filled the space allowing the Heart to see the damage more clearly.

“Lemme guess, the Brain sent you?” the Heart said matter of factly.

“Not exactly” the voice said now sounding closer and more feminine. “I am the Brain” I felt it was better if we spoke in person. The voice now sounding as if it was surrounding the Heart.

“I can’t see you but keep that light shining on me will ya!” Then the Heart looked up confused “Wait, wait, wait, why are you a woman?”

“Just felt it would keep you calmer, sound more appealing if-”

“Stop, if you’re hear how is he functioning?”

“Autopilot, I know I know it has been a while and we aren’t as good as you are” the Brain stopped clearing her throat “were at running things, but I use to do an amicable job if I say so mys-”

“I never want to be in charge again so you got the stick Buddy!”

“Understandable Mr. Heart, but at some point we would like to-”

“Less talk and more light, as a matter of fact do you have some kind of physical form that can help?” the Heart asked hoping she could help speed along the process. “This is going to take a while to get together, I mean I know you see and feel how horrible this one is.”

“I can definitely help you, I just can’t at this moment.” The words apologetically fill the room. “At some point I have to take the autopilot off to let him sleep, he doesn’t work as hard as you!” she said sarcastically. She could tell her statement wasn’t a pleasurable one by the Heart. “I’m sorry that this has happened again.”

“You just got here and you’re leaving already, great!” The Hearts said dripping with sarcasm.

“Sorry Mr. Heart, just time works differently down here. It has already been 3 months”

“What the hell is a month? You know what, go!”

“If you ever see me going down this road again kill me”

“What?” the Brain said startled

“Why are you still here?”

“Sorry I thought you were talking to-”

“Bye”, the Heart says looking down to get a last glimpse of the pieces in front of him before the light faded out.

Over time the Heart and Brain worked hand in hand piecing the Heart back together. The Heart being forced to try to wipe the memories on each shard away only for it not to be so. The Brain listening to the stories as she studied each piece. Looking for where they go, and where they all went wrong. The Heart grew a fondness for the Brain. This being the first time they actually worked together, and the Heart wasn’t forced to go at it alone.

“I hated every time you would try to send someone else down here to help” The Heart said laughing. “Like if you could fire them, I would suggest you did”

“Unfortunately the help is the help. We don’t have a lot of options” she said star “Maybe if you weren’t such a jerk sometimes-”

“I know, I know” he said smiling at her.

A funny thing happened as they drew closer: the Heart was able to see her more clearly. Her flesh was greyish pink, and somewhat bulbous, having always been awkward looking himself he found her even more appealing to himself. He was more pink then grey, but his intricacies and weird looking hair made him feel as if he was hard to look at. The Heart grew stronger and began to feel more normal and he began to fall in love with the Brain. The Brain and Heart began finding reasons to be together, after the Heart was healed. The Brain spending as much time as possible with the heart, while also having the hearts influence on the Brains daily activities. They were one. The only rule was the Heart would never go back to running the Brain. At least not yet.

“I know you don’t want to, but can you at least come up here, I want to show you something” the Brain said begging, “You don’t have to touch anything, but I just want to show you something.”

“I guess” the Heart sighed “I love you, and if you promise I don’t have to touch anything I’ll do it”

She smiled, extending her hand to him, by taking her hand he was allowed to be transported to the inside of the Brain. He could see Cherise out of Lloyd’s eyes. They laid in bed snuggled up. Lloyd perfectly engulfing her with his body. The Heart hugged the Brain. “I think we have all found a good balance”

“I could stay in this moment forever” The Brain said “Oh shit, she just said I love you”

“What?”

“I can’t say it,” she said looking at the Heart “I can’t make him say it!”

“No, No, NO! You set me up didn’t you?” the Heart said pulling away “You knew this would happen and that is why you brought me up here?”

“How would I know this would happen?” the Brain said staring at him, her eyes beginning to well up. “Let him feel what we feel, allow him to say he loves her”

“NO! I will not allow him to hurt us” he sneered, “me again!”

“Please, if you believe in us, you can believe in them” she said full of hope.

“NO” the Heart said as he faded back to his place of living. Exiting the brain, he left the Brain behind.

Who does she think she is? Love doesn’t work for him, it barely works for me. The Heart yelled. Then the Heart began to beat rapidly, but if I took this chance, I should do the same for him.

The Brain, came back down to the Heart. forcing her way in, now practically on top of him in this the small place. “I’m sorry-”

“No I am sorry” He said now breathing even harder “take me back up”

“Are you sure?” she said already extending her hand and smiling through the tears. “You don’t have to, I will do whatever it takes to be with you”

I’ll be back, don’t move! He exclaimed grabbing her hand.

She had no idea who he was talking to “Who are you?”

“I’ll explain when we get back”

They sat in the brain, holding hands. The Heart moved the sticks and moved Lloyd back to the room.

“I love you” he heard Lloyd saying.

He looked at the Brain ignoring Lloyd and Cherise. “You are my everything, and if you want me to live up here with you I will” he said feeling the pressure of himself breathing hard. I’ll do whatever it takes”, he said wheezing. Then he felt light, he let go of her hand and fell back to his place of living.

The Brain, frightened followed him. “Babe” she said screaming. Upon her arrival she saw him lying on the ground “You ok?” noticing his breathing now is moving at an alarming rate. She could see the Heart looking up with a smile on his face. She looked behind her and her face turned to shock.

Four years ago, I was ushered into this place. A deadly necessity some would say, a Clot or as the Heart would call me The Clot. I listened after Lloyd had his heart broken, and watched after The Heart put himself back together again. The Heart and I became friends, I would dare say best friends. He made me promise that “If you ever see me going down this road again kill me”. I said I would, but I knew I would never have the excuse the pun “Heart” to do it. Besides who listens to a broken heart. I was very happy for the Heart. I mean he put himself back together again and on top of that found love, man. I mean to see that happen is definitely a once in a lifetime type of thing. I don’t think though the Heart factored in on Lloyd falling in love too, just as I didn’t plan on seeing my Bestie falling in love.

I laid asleep in my valve, kind of like a loft bed to me, above the heart. I would watch them sleep and talk and play, and the Brain just never seemed to notice me. The Heart also made sure to never bring me up around her. He was scared of what she might do if she was aware of my existence. Didn’t bother me much, I wasn’t here for her really anyway. Well at least not yet.

I watched them leave to the brain, a huge surprise to me, but a pleasant one. Then he came storming back all by himself.

“Who does she think she is? Love doesn’t work for him, it barely works for me.”

“Calm down, man what happen?”

“She wanted me to get Lloyd to say ‘I love you’”

“Do you love her?”

“Yeah”

“Then do it, simple as that”

But what about you?”

“I’ll be fine man, I’m not programed for love” I said jokingly “But you are!”

Then the Heart began to beat rapidly, “if I took this chance, I should do the same for him.”

I watched as she came back down and got ready to leave with him. “I’ll be back, don’t move!” he exclaimed to me.

Then there was a sudden influx of blood rushing all around me, I noticed that the heart was breathing faster and faster. “What the hell is happening around me?” I thought aloud. Then I saw them back inside the heart. He lay there staring at me. The blood rushing around me forcing me towards him, “Wait no, no!” I was slipping into him, “What are you doing?”

The Heart looked at me eyes full of tears, and then she looked up, and noticed me. My round misshapen body now slowly becoming exposed to her. Sliding towards her and him.

“This is my best friend” he said as I began now sliding towards them even faster. “’The Clot’, I have known him just as long as I have known you”

“I can’t stop it” I screamed “You have to stop it!” Turns out I did stop it, all of it. My body too big to pass. I stay there staring watching my Best Friend and the love ho his life fade away.

“I love you” I said to him sobbing.

“I love you too” he said smiling “Hey a promise is a promise, huh bud”

Then it got dark.

Four years later. Cherise stood at Lloyd’s grave. Four and a half years ago Lloyd died. They found a blood clot in his heart. Cherise never forgave herself. What hurt her the most was, this happened after telling her what she wanted to hear.

Four years ago the doctors said it was a heart attack. All of Cherise’s friends though, they said it was a broken heart.