the pursuit

If you’re like me, you probably don’t struggle to meet new people, no matter the setting. If you’re like me, it’s probably very very easy for people to feel like they know you, but if you’re like me, it’s probably just that you’re easy to be around, not so much that you’re known. And this is not a brag, just an observation that it’s a gift to have the kind of personality that others feel at ease around, and it’s an even bigger blessing to have a character that can sustain having relationships in varying depths with a wide variety of people. This is a tremendous blessing, and I have the instability of my upbringing to thank for the gift of being a relationally versatile person.

People LOVE to talk about themselves if you give them the safe + friendly space to do so; a kind of space that’s easily facilitated by asking good questions. I don’t know if I’m always good at creating a safe + friendly space, but I’ve been told I ask good questions. (Sometimes it’s hard for a space to be safe + friendly is if the questions being asked are the kind of questions that don’t stand for bullshit, so not all unsafe spaces are from a mean heart—but that’s a blog entry for another time).

Anyways, I find that I ask a lot of questions when getting to know people— not in  a way that is interrogatory, just in a way that I hope creates a welcoming environment for people to share themselves as much as they’d like. And I personally really suck at speaking about myself/sharing myself unless I’m asked to, so my asking of questions often stems from the desire to give people the “permission” to simply share who they are with me, since my mental/emotional state needs this kind of pursuit for me to feel that I’m being invited into a space, too. Now, here’s the thing: not everyone is good at asking questions—in fact, there are sooooo many people that don’t know how to ask (good) questions, let alone be good at conversation, period. And the other problem is that sometimes I ask so many questions that by the time the interaction is coming to an end, the other person spent more time talking about themselves, so I never got to share myself beyond my curiosity. I’m not complaining about someone having taken more time during our interactions, just that the repetition of it with with many many many people, in different settings, can wear out one’s heart, because no matter how much a heart is able to hold space for others, the amount of space it can hold deepens even more, when it’s also pursued back, without having to repeatedly ask. I’m currently in a phase of life where I can’t ask as many questions as I know I’m able to, aka, initiate the pursuit in relationships all the time, for various reasons that aren’t all sad. And I’m genuinely trying to allow myself to also just be pursued, too, and not always be the one that initiates it. I believe so much that we all need to be pursued, and that pursuit isn’t just reserved for the romantic style of relationships, it’s needed in ALL types of relationships, and that it needs to be reciprocal for all those involved.

I’m deeply driven by the desire for people to not feel left out, so I find myself reaching out a lot more than I’m reached out to, for various reasons. But I’m slowly arriving to the point where I’m also only choosing to engage in relationships with people that choose me back, people who initiate the desire to want to know me, too… like actually know me, not just the ‘feelings’ that being in my presence brings for them. I moved somewhere new just a little over a year and a half ago, and I learnt very quickly that it’s a bit of a cold + dry place in terms of intimacy, when it comes to relationships of any kind, so I notice a lot of people being left out, a lot of people being ignored and this next part could be sad: I don’t even think it’s intentional—people just kind of notice what’s in front of them; there’s very little curiosity about that which is different from how people have always done things, which sadly means that there are so many people being left out and I obviously can’t include all of them, nor do I think that it’s my job—just that it’s a reality close to my heart. All this to say: I’ve been trying to be more intentional in pursuing friendships with people that I can easily love others with—people I can easily include others with, and I’ve been trying to let it start with letting others choose to love & include me first, too.

And I’d like to end this by clarifying one more thing: I’m not claiming that I am a flawless person in friendships. I’m not claiming that I don’t fall short. I’m just saying that creating space for people is something that comes easier for me, more than sharing my own vulnerabilities, or joys, typically is. And that I often take the role of being the “welcomer”, but I am trying to let others welcome me first, too.

If you also have a big personality that often gives others the impression that you don’t have relational needs, I pray that you give yourself the permission to let yourself be pursued, too. It’s scary, but still as nice as it is to pursue others. It’s just a different kind of nice. And I hope you get the courage to voice your needs every now and then, with your safe people, if you have them.