The Pin Drops

The First time I saw Jen in college, it was like out of a movie - “I love her and I don’t know why, a girl that beautiful will never be with a guy like me..." My cousin says "ya for sure.” What a guy eh! We never got the chance to date then, but 7 years later, we finally have our opportunity. It’s a dream…My aunt owns an apartment in HK - I ask if we can use it, she says, “I lent you my car and you scratched it!” The first time she meets Jen she says “I love you and I don’t know why!” and gave her the keys to the apartment that night! “I trust you... make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid”.

We travel Asia for almost a year, when we return, everything was different.  “I don’t know if I’m with you because I love you, or because I don’t want to be alone…” that’s when I realize it’s over. After 4 years together, she decides to move to Ottawa and we break up. How can I love someone else if I don't even love myself…? I’m lost, heartbroken, and alone. Uncertain if I should be pursuing art anymore. Most days I’m crying in the shower, hoping that our button business “Be Awesome Shoppe” does well enough, and she will take me back. 

The following summer, I’m booked for 10 art fairs and 8 weddings, the ultimate hustle begins! But it’s not… meager attendance and ok sales, it’s not going as well as I’d hoped. So the Leslieville flea arrives, I’m set up beside the busiest tent, but barely anyone is coming to mine. I notice she even has BUTTONS at hers that are selling fast. She’s got this incredible smile and is just a ray of sunshine. She’s so excited to show people vintage items and is especially great with kids. When it slows down a bit, she walks over to my booth and comes in for a big hug. “WOW where did you find these?” “I actually make them, they’re all one-of-a-kind, you cut them out of these magazines…” She is SO EXCITED! Like giddy jump up and down excited. “You can make anything you want ?? aMaZiNg!” Then she sees the extreme close-up Hulk Hogan moustache button, and can’t stop laughing. She says in between laughs “His lips look so small beside the 'stache!” So I make her 20 buttons from a variety of Playboy and Blue Jays magazines from the 70’s and 80’s, which she proudly presents at her booth. The Moustache Collection!  At the end of the day, she invites me to go to Hillside Festival. It’s a whole weekend event, and it just so happens to be on the one weekend that’s free!

The summer flies by and I’m driving up to Guelph for the Hillside Festival weekend.  When I arrive, it is the most welcoming experience I’ve had at any event. There is someone ready to help me unload my car, and they say “Hi Anto” and gave me a big hug. “We’ve been expecting you, Kat told us that you have the best smile”. So I force a smile to not make Kat a liar. They help me set up right beside the Hillside sign, at the front of the entire vendor section, so when you walk in, my booth is the first thing you see. After a summer of fending for myself in Toronto Flea markets, I was skeptical of this type of kindness. 

But then Kat shows up and the real fun begins. Both our booths are immediately packed with people, and even though mine is pay-what-you-want, it’s the most successful day of the summer. Some kids come multiple times, so excited to press anything they want into buttons. And they can’t believe they can take it home! 

That night after we close up, we take a walk around the campsites where all the volunteers are, and some friends of mine are selling hot dogs and beer, which all proceeds go back to the festival. I stay for a bit excited to party when I don’t have to wake up, but Be Awesome is first priority, and we have an early morning. 11am comes too soon, especially when you’re sleeping on a futon in a tent with holes in it. Tossing and turning all night, I couldn’t wait for breakfast. As I’m setting my booth up, I already have people eyeing for when we open. Some returning customers from the night before! 

Throughout the day my friends at PowWow cafe bring me an Indian taco, another friend from Chocosoul brings me strawberry chocolate smoothie, and they say things like “you need energy, look at all the happy faces!” The happiest of all are my new friends, 10 year old boys, Otsan and Sterling. They show up again for the 3rd time and I ask them if their parents know they ran off to come here. They don’t even answer me, just dive right into the comics. “Mr. Awesome” Otsan says, “if it’s too thick to cut what do you do?” I rip the page out, take my exacto knife and peel off the first layer and hand it to him. The look on his face as he looked at Sterling was like I had done a magic trick, he was SO HYPED! After this moment, they become my lil’ helpers. They are walking up to strangers and explaining to them what we do at the Be Awesome Shoppe. They’re saying “when you get up to the front of the line, you put it in the machine and even if you don’t know what to do, we got your back!” He had heard me say “We got your back” all weekend and had used one of my lines!

As the sun goes down and vendors are packing up, I think about the hundreds of happy customers, and $1500 from the pay-what-you-can jar throughout the weekend, mostly quarters. The boys help me clean up the booth and we say our goodbyes. All the books are packed away and all that’s left is a couple button machines and a few magazines. As I’m thinking about how lonely it’s going to be returning home, schlepping all the books up the stairs, it hits me. A wave of emotion and overwhelming questions. I miss Jen so much. What if this doesn’t work and she doesn’t want me back? What if this was all a waste of time? 

Right as I’m thinking this, Kat rolls up after disappearing for a couple hours, and she has been partying it up. She’s wearing a cowboy hat now, and gives me a huge hug. “Did you have fun this weekend, Mr Awesome?” And I meekly answer “it’s been great…” “Hey what’s wrong?” “This was just so much fun, I don’t want it to end” “Well I got you something!” and she hands me a silver necklace. I look at it closely and it has the words “Be Awesome” engraved in it… And I just burst into tears. It catches her off guard but she immediately hugs me and I cry on her shoulder. She tells me ‘it’s gonna be ok, think about all the people you’ve made so happy this weekend, you’re such a ray of sunshine!” That’s what I felt about her, as if she was now reflecting it back to me. Only through the eyes of others could I see the love I need to have for myself. I pull away and I look at her face and her make-up is a mess and she’s clearly been crying too. “I’ve cried like 10 times today, that’s the power of Hillside!” 

I end up riding around the festival on Kat’s lowrider bike, handing out buttons to all the festival goers. They kept asking me what the buttons mean, so I would just make something up and call them “spirit buttons”. “It’ll tell you the future oooo”

As the night comes to a close around 4AM, I finally decide that it’s time for my celebratory end-of-weekend shower. What, no one showered during the weekend! Ok fine, it was just me. So I grab all my toiletries and start biking to the showers at the top of the Hillside. 

There are 6 lined up, and I walk into the 3rd one. I put my stuff in the corner, hang up my towel and I notice this machine I’ve never seen in a shower before. It said “25 cents” on it. After a whole weekend of making thousands of quarters, the one time I needed one, I didn’t have one! I look into the machine and I see a quarter that’s stuck inside. I shake the machine, nothing. I punch the front to get the quarter to fall, nothing. And then it hits me… I take off my colourful Muhammed Ali button, pull the spear of the button out, and poke the quarter and I hear it fall into the machine. The water sprays so powerfully out and I immediately jump into it, not even waiting until my dirty clothes are off. This time I didn’t cry in the shower. Instead, I wash away my heartbreak. Wash away my doubts of pursuing art, wash away my loneliness. That’s the gift that Kat had given to me this weekend. That’s the gift of Be Awesome that Jen had given me. 

As I exit the shower, with fresh new clothes, I jump on my bike and slowly glide down towards our camp, as the sun rises over the hillside. It’s a new day, and Mr. Awesome has buttons to press!