The Narcissistic Surprise

In March of this year, I found myself struggling with anxiety. Not only had the year been unduly stressful due to the pandemic waging all about, but I had been dealing with some personal issues that I found troubling. I have struggled with anxiety many times before, and I have learned both through training as a counselor and personal experience that like many issues anxiety is best dealt with when you first begin to be bothered by it. Left unchecked anxiety can limit your ability to function. Due to my personal understanding and experience, I did what I felt was the responsible thing and informed my romantic partner that I was struggling with issues and needed to take some time to care for myself.

Perhaps, I should explain that I did this in the context of what I thought was a fairly normal romantic relationship. My romantic partner and I had never become a truly committed couple. There was no ceremony, no vows, no exchange of rings. Indeed, my partner had always contended that it was important to him that we “choose each other every day.” Initially, I had found the lack of commitment in this relationship offputting, but I pride myself on being open to learning and I honored my partner’s stated need not to be in an artificially committed relationship. We had both been involved in a pair of long-term relationships that had ended in divorce, so I didn’t take this aversion to the institution of marriage personally.

So, when I informed my partner of my need, it was done with the expectation of no substantial change in our relationship. My partner and I had never lived together. The most time we had spent together occurred during a time when he was dealing with a medical issue. I spent all of a month in my partner’s home with him supporting him in dealing with his medical concern. So, believing that my need for space and healing would place no strain on my partner, I was shocked to find that he was unwilling for me to take the time to take care of myself.

Things in our relationship quickly transitioned from what I believed was a healthy mature sharing of thoughts, needs, ideas, and emotions to a swirl of chaos. This is not to mean that there had never been any issues between us. There had been a few times that my partner erupted into a tantrum over things I couldn’t understand, and he had begun to call and talk at me for hours without allowing me to talk. Now, my partner started yelling and talking over me with increased frequency.

Following my bout of anxiety, I attempted to get my partner to understand that I was tired, sad, and feeling alone. I paced as we talked.

“I need time to think,” I remember noticing that my voice sounded needy and tired.

“Think about what? That you’re about to get everything you ever wanted.”

I stepped into the bathroom and rested my forearms on the cool basin.

“This is making me anxious. I need to get off the phone.”

“Don’t stop now. We’re making progress. What would it look like if you got everything you wanted.”

“I need to go.”

We hung up, but the conversation didn’t end. The ending of the call simply inspired a series of texts.

Initially, I attempted to continue the communication. This was what I have been taught. You talk things out. You hear the other person. What I couldn’t handle was my partner’s unwillingness to allow me to think between texts, and the insistence on getting things hashed out right this very minute.

My head began to swim, and I felt hollow and confused. This wasn’t, I knew, how working things out feels. This felt like walking off of a pier into water so deep you lost your sense of which way was up. This felt like drowning.

My confusion over the intensity of my attempt to get time to take care of myself quickly led me to explore narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with it.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

For those of you who don’t know, narcissistic personality disorder is a psychological disorder that is characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, an intense need for attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy. For a person to be diagnosed with this disorder they have to exhibit a minimum of five symptoms associated with the disorder. Even if the person in your life doesn't meet clinical criteria for a diagnosis, their neediness and lack of concern for your well-being can cause you a great deal of distress.

Narcissists tend to be highly manipulative. They use a variety of strategies to create a bond with their partner that the partner often finds difficult to break. They use strategies like love-bombing, devaluation, and triangulation to manipulate and control their partners. They are infamous for lying and using gaslighting to confuse their partners.

Early after breaking with my partner, I found myself vacillating in my belief that he was a true narcissist. However, all of my doubts were quickly dispelled by the chaos that he threw my way in attempts to get me to reconnect.

There were threats, pleads, calls to my mother and children, and ultimately a civil summons. I got letters in which my partner used very confusing logic. I got emails that attempted to use my sentimentality and fears to force contact. These things were interspersed with threats. The combination of the tugging on my heartstrings and the use of my fears made me greatly confused and anxious. I quickly learned that this combination of sweet and sour is a trick narcissists use to keep their partners bound to them. The combination of chemicals that these types of events cause your body to release into your brain create a bond that is similar to the feeling people addicted to substances experience.

How to deal with a narcissist

Go no contact. If you suspect that you are dealing with a narcissistic partner, the best thing you can do is limit your contact. Professionals will tell you that going no contact is the best course of action. This is simply what it sounds like. Unfriend your ex on any social media that they are on. Block your ex's number so that you don't have to deal with threatening calls or insulting texts. Block them on email.

Because I didn't realize what I was dealing with, I initially attempted to keep some channels of communication open. However, when things got weird, I quickly learned that no communication was the only way I was going to retain my sanity in the face of my ex's narcissistic rage.

Use the grey rock method. If you are unable to go no contact due to your personal life situation, you should use a strategy that professionals refer to as going grey rock. When you use the grey rock method you present a narcissist with a blank canvas. You provide no drama. You provide no unnecessary information. You respond with facts only and provide no emotion for the narcissist to play off of.

As simple as going grey rock may sound, it can be incredibly difficult. Remember, the narcissist is trying to gain an advantage over you. They are attempting to re-engage you in a relationship where you are a resource of support, attention, and admiration for them. If you appear angry or sad, the narcissist will latch onto this and either attempt to reel you back into the relationship or use your ”weakness” as affirmation that your tormentor is indeed superior to you.

Regardless of what you do with your engagement with your narcissist, the most important thing for you to do when you find yourself in any relationship that feels toxic is to focus on and take care of yourself.

How to Take Care of Yourself

If you find yourself struggling to get out of a toxic relationship, whether your partner is a narcissist or not, will most likely not have been taking care of yourself. Now is the time to focus on you.

Make sure you are sleeping. Many narcissists will text you in the evenings, wake you early in the morning, and do whatever it takes to keep you from getting a good night's rest. Keeping you sleep deprived makes it easy to confuse and control you. My narcissist once awakened me late one evening to ask me where the extra pillows were in the hotel room we were staying in.

Get some exercise. Being physically active will help you control your anxiety levels. It will also help you improve your sleep. If possible get outside to exercise. Getting out into the sun as little as half an hour a day will also help lift any depressed mood you may be struggling with.

Surround yourself with supportive people. I have yet to mention flying monkeys. These are people that your narcissist will use to try to gain access to you and manipulate you into reconnecting. These people will also be used as a source of attention for your narcissistic ex. Most narcissists will present to those around them with a very sad story. They will often express their depths of love and their willingness to go to therapy. However, they will also make sure that the people they lean on know that you are the one at fault.

Just like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz, your narcissist will engage friends in luring you back into the relationship. My narcissistic ex had people I barely knew as well as old friends of mine try to convince me that I was doing an awful thing by going no contact with him. Rather than arguing with them, I simply went no contact with them as well. I know this may sound cold, but remember these are people who are willing to tell you you are wrong without even asking for your side of the story.

See a Therapist. I'm sure that there are people who don't need a therapist when they exit a relationship with a narcissist. However, I'm not one of them. I would encourage anyone to at least have one session with a therapist just to talk any lingering issues through with someone who has a professional understanding of what narcissists do and what you are struggling with.