The Mundane Banality of Smalltalk.... Blah blah blah

There's a reason I'm a writer - I hate talking. Call me on the phone and chances are, I won't answer. I'm not avoiding you - I just don't want to spend time talking about nothing. Text me, and I'll respond. Short, precise, to the point. Yes, you may have four seconds of my time. My gift to you.

People who know me either find me witty and intelligent, or a crusty old bitch. There's not much middle ground. If I ever apply to work in your retail establishment or restaurant, DO NOT hire me. I'll make the correct change, but I'll also bypass the niceties and chat with your customer as if they are there for business only - not to make friends.

I would rather sit in comfortable silence than talk about useless crap. And whatever you do... do not even try to approach me with anything less than life threatening if I'm a) cooking, b)writing or c) watching TV. You've been warned.

Here are some real life examples of a conversation with me - all true stories: (Number one happened today when I ran into someone I haven't seen in ages)

#1

You: Oh hi! It's some cold out there, wouldn't ya say?

What you expect me to say: Damn Straight. We've gotta be fools to venture out today - but here we are!

What I want to say: No shit, Sherlock. Obviously I got from my house to this store somehow.. and couldn't have done it without experiencing the minus 30 wind-chill. Idiot.

What I did say: Yeah. My boogers froze into snotsicles

#2

You: How's your family?

What you expect me to say: Oh, the folks are snow-birding down in Arizona and having a great time.

What I want to say: You don't even know my family and I know you don't give a shit but just trying to fill the silent void between us

What I did say: I don't know. They were abducted by the Abonable snowman and it's out of RCMP jurisdiction, so all we can do is wait.

#3 (team meeting at the office)

You: How was everyone's weekend?

What you expect me to say: Oh, it was good. Saw a movie, got a few groceries, walked my dog, played a round of golf

What I want to say: Who the fuck cares? We are here to conduct business, stop wasting time asking about shit you don't care about, and if any of us are actually friends, we would have already described our weekend or maybe even spent it together. Get this meeting over with!

What I did say: The usual. Took the Friday red eye to Paris, had Saturday morning croissants in the 2nd arrondissment, a one night stand with a street mime, and hopped on the 7am flight home Sunday.

#4

You: Nice pants! Where'd you get them?

What you expect me to say: The Gap

What I want to say: Turn your skinny ass around and go pretend to like some other fat chick's thrift store findings

What I did say: I took them off a dead body

If we have had a conversation, face to face, and you couldn't tell if I was being cantankerous or the class clown, don't sweat it. It could have been either. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit, stupidity, know-it-alls who know zip.... and anyone who cannot sit in silence. I also hold disdain for laziness, the expectation that someone else will do your job for you, people who preach the benefits of hard work but who have never worked a day in their lives, anyone with poor hygiene and any adult who has not learned to save a dollar (I don't mean for you to not make your car payment, but if your bank account is low, don't go out for dinner, on that vacation, or buying over the top gifts).

Friends, (yes, we are still friends) you only have one life. Does it make sense to accept things that make you miserable if those situations are completely under your control?

As I read my words, I do realize that I sound like a bit of a c***, but guess what? I don't really care. This is who I am and you don't have to like me - lots of people don't. You do need to respect that this is my personality, though, just like I respect the fact that you watch The Bachelor or Survivor... or eat brussel sprouts. You always have the option to walk away if I'm offending you. (I know, right? Some people find l'il ole me offensive!)

Rules for being my friend:

• Don't lie to me
• Don't be late without calling
• Don't judge me for having full on conversations with my dog or letting her eat off my fork
• Don't be smelly
• Don't pull out your phone at the dinner table (yes, we eat every dinner at the table and no where near the TV)
• Do not insult people I love
• NEVER come in the kitchen when I'm cooking - unless I ask you to (I'm serious about this one)
• Don't say anything negative about cats - EVER

And for bonus points (courtesy of my stepson who learned very quickly), if I'm exceptionally irritable, hand me a glass of wine, a piece of chocolate, or both. He's a smart kid.