The Most Exquisite Night

Thank god for my glass of Merlot! When I compare my love life with people around me, I feel disheartened, disconsolate, and alone? My friends, one by one have settled into blooming real-life romances. Intense love affairs and shared happy families from meeting that special someone.

I thought that was me several years ago, aeons ago now, maybe my chance has gone? I still remember the night of my engagement, so in love, so together and so happy. We were driving to the restaurant when my partner reached over and took my hand, he asked, “do you think you can spend the rest of your life with me”. We had met through a friend, it was instant passion, with a remarkable sexual chemistry, and copious amounts alcohol. It was like meeting my best friend and more. The night was extraordinary, good or for better turned into a five-day encounter in the sack, which progressed into him moving in the following day. Our obsession for each other was noticeable by all.

As memory takes me back, we arrived at the rotating summit restaurant, positioned high above the city, lite up by lights in the sky, it was the perfect setting. My size 8 figure hugged a knee length white spaghetti strap dress, formal yet stylish casual, an instantaneous eye catcher. Long silver blond hair flowing, with soft shimmering makeup to match, the instant stun. His dark suit a compliment to mine, the boy next door with a grown-up appeal. We were good together, same background, both pretentious and enjoying the better things in life. And if we broke any rules, we would do it together, we were so sure.

He popped the question straight after dessert. He got down on his knees and slid the most exquisite carat diamond onto my hand. The lighting was dimmed and smooth, as the room rotated around the stars, soft love music as the backdrop, it was just us.

Despondently, the honeymoon period ended before our wedding date, miserably the intense passion of love turned quickly, the love and adherence, turned to dread, jealously and anger which deepened to a sad hate, he just would not leave. The real counterparts of our lives just could not meet in the middle. My family did not like him, I did not like his children, I would not put up with his children’s mess, I did not want more children, I did not like his bad habits, he vented about my ex’s and my choice of friends, he hated most of my family, he really wanted more children, his family ran me down, his family were always there, and our lives just did not fit.

Our life together turned into a repetitive sonance of forgiveness. Nonetheless, we still enjoyed our Sunday breakfasts and mixed well in his circle of friends, but that was about it. The incredible power of love distrustfully transformed into a horrible messy breakup. It was loud, not forgivable, and exhausting, but the fighting finally ended.

It was known, our lives together were unhealth and damaging to each other’s psyche, we had to move on. My party girl nights went back to before and continued, I flitted from semi committed relationships and mixed with nice men. Upon each dismal ending, maybe a deliberate unconscious sabotage to my own life and happiness, the choice of yet another wrong person, and another sad shallow breakup. Miraculously the continuous sham of the same would replicate, my ex-fiancé reappearing, begging another chance, a new beginning. His presence at work, in social settings, watching from a distance, approaching my children, reinstating phone calls. Had the obsession not ended?

In remembrance of my shattered illusions, and upon his death, I sit here cradling a glass of Merlot, a little less beautiful, 'the untouchable', date 102, the first date.