Rules of Breakup

Stress hallucinations, the shimmering treetops haze before me, my breathing is laboured, I whisper to the vase space of nothing, “don’t give up”. The swift gust captures between the ridges and savannah basin as the balmy wind whips around my face and hair. I feel a refreshing relief giving me a spurt of coolness. I take a small gulp of water from my thermal canister. The magnificent cliff looms above me, my clambering down this ridge seems like an eternity. Overwhelmed with sweat, screaming pain from my muscles and dread. I wonder, what possessed me? why am I here? the brochure said “a quest for paradise” deception. I look out at the vast landscape before me and speculate, am I going to die? The image in my head of a deadly fall, my body spiralling down the amass. I am desperate to control my fear in a dire need for preservation. My guide ahead, calls into my consciousness, “everybody alright?” I think, “this is not the spiritual realm of the rainforest paradise I imagined, the eternal bliss of elevation”. My focus drills back into the harsh reality of manoeuvring my foot to safety, I shout back, “Ok”, I persist my journey down.

Rule no. 5. Don’t do anything rash. Recently my relationship ended, and I am now re-entering the world. Phase one of the relationships rules are coming to a closure, stop wallowing alone. I did not enjoy the box of tissues crying in the bedroom, the antisocial behaviour staying home, staying away from friends. Rule 1. No contact with the ex. It can only extend the hurt and prevent you from moving on. Therefore, “no texts, no phone calls, no begging for forgiveness and no whining of trying again”. I made it through, thus, I am leveraging rule number 7. Look at the breakup as an opportunity. This is how I got here, as I hang off this horrible cliff front, hoisted and entrapped against a hard rock surface. Hits home, Rule no. 3. do not play the victim. It is that simple, he was the bad guy, and I am most certainly the good one.

I look ahead, I loathe my guide as I think of my position, up on a ledge. I look over, rationalise, trust your guides expertise, your own body strength, and the ability to follow instruction. But what of my true capabilities, what if my body gives way and I collapse, or a rock becomes loose under foot. I remember back to a saying, never overweight your abilities with your capabilities. My breathing is laboured, and I make a silent pray for extra adrenalin to surge through my body, I push forward. Not far now, I check on my guide again, he looks so comfortable clambering over rocks, hat on and his rock-climbing equipment attached. Yesterday…we trekked through the swamp with leeches, snakes and mud. All I could think, “my rash between my legs is going to be worse than my sunstroke”, I follow him, stuck in the middle of nowhere, desperate to go home and questioning my decision to be here. Thinking on the tempestuous experience and its enduring value, the opportunity for a new life beginning now. I should be relishing it. Rule 2. Let yourself feel pain, this is already covered, no more sook, out of the bedroom.

Now, I dangle above the world, I seriously consider Rule 8. Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, and get some sleep. Dig yourself into your work. Whatever makes you feel better about your place in the world and not mired in sadness about the people you left behind. I view myself as a strong woman, one who lives a good and successful life and accepts the cards dealt yet creates my own destiny. This holiday is the indescribable. I recall back to several other vacations, Thailand scooter riding, travelling the countryside, Margarita’s by the pool at night, pat tai, elephant rides and paragliding in the ocean. Trekking the Himalayas, base villages of mount Everest, freezing cold trips across snowy terrains. Visiting castles in Europe, museums, and culture. India, the Taj Mahal, Nuns and temples, poverty, and grot. Walking the China Wall, three months of training and still my legs still gave way on decent. Rule 4. Try to come to terms with what happened. Psychedelic trepidation, my body is shaky, my blood sugar has dropped, and my energy surplus is depleting. This is the gradual decent to the base of the mountain. Memorising my rock-climbing techniques in the wake of the rock-climbing mountaineering venture. I completely forget about my broken relationship as I lodge my mental climbing anchors, “A quest for paradise” that’s what the brochure said, the vision is breathtaking. Almost there!

Tomorrow’s itinerary, coloured words to expose the truth, “disproportionate amounts of mosquitoes, crocodiles, sandy saltwater ways and muddy river showers”, we head out to the coast. “Cannot wait!” A leadership escapade, some might challenge. Nature’s elements of endurance verse technology. My communications left behind; computers, my phone, music, tv, digital media, I am apt in IT. A necessity of life. I imagine a faraway sailing ship on the horizon envisioning what tomorrow brings. Will we make it to the coastline? Rule 6. Spend quality time with friends and family. I hang in the air of wilderness and acknowledge my heart was badly broken. I make an emotional promise to spend more time with family and friends, socialise, dinner parties and BBQ’s. I truly feel I am completely over the loss of my beloved. Eliciting “Grief is not a disorder, disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve (Earl Grollman).” I check my level of concern, some would probably call it mountain sickness, headache, and nausea, fatigued and weak, not quite suffocating.

I assess my anxiety and panic and keep the faith, Rule 9. I have defeated my fear of heights, now is not the time for a dizzy episode. I place the outside edge of my shoe to balance a small foothold, steadying my movement and centre of gravity. In self-preservation, I imagine the treats of the night camp bonfire ahead, the swags and makeshift tent event. Crucial for progress, the summit behind me, I reach the point of an easier decline, using technical, balance and intensive sequences. Reality sets in, my whole body from fingertips to toes grip, using a large part of my core: obliques, hamstrings, butt, lower back, etc. My endorphins and muscle heat are working as natural painkillers that help curtail any discomfort. Rule 10. A mended heart. My emotions, a runner high, feelings of bliss take over, I reach the bottom side, dropping to exhaustion. I acknowledge the feeling of love to be the strongest emotions to touch one’s heart, soul, and mind. I find my heart and the power of love. So, I enjoy life, realizing its power.