The Majestic Possibilities Of A Well-Handled Customer Service Inquiry

Have you ever thought of the sheer possibility of what a good customer service agent can do for you? Okay, to be fair, I haven't either! Like most, my customer service chats have run the gamut- but this year in particular, I have had some memorable experiences.

And in a time when so many of us have adopted shopping as a substitute for social interaction (shout out to my 8-cup motivational water bottle and sea otter soap dish...) it's important to note the real heroes.

Though I have no intention of surrendering my amazon orders list as proof, my shopping has actually been mostly reasonable during this shitstorm of a year. However, it has also been extensive- due in part to losing 95 percent of my belongings to mold, which is another story. That said, purchasing an entire life, mostly over the internet, really gives you a lot of opportunities to see the spectrum of service.

What I'm left with are a few lessons.

1. Be nice/kind/respectful. That's a big one, and applies to all areas of life. When you have the occasional negative experience, remember that the person you're dealing with may be poorly representing an otherwise awesome company- just like a helpful person may be positively representing them. Be nice no matter what, because we all work hard and no one needs to be mistreated.

2. Ask for what you want. The word and concept of "boundaries" has gained a lot of traction in the last decade, but that life skill is not just about making things safer and cutting out negative things, it's about being able to create what you want and claim what you are entitled to. That said, when asking for what you want, leave your sense of entitlement at the door. Be reasonable about what you're asking, and be aware of whether you're asking the right person. Don't ask to speak to the manager in the first sentence, but know when to ask (politely) for a higher up. If you pull your new car off the lot and find a dead body in the trunk (this got weird...) you're not gonna pull it back in and speak to the 16 year old at the front desk. Ok, I guess in that case you'd go to the police, but you get my point.

3. Don't get screwed. I wanted to reword this in a kinder way, but I will disclaim that I have zero tolerance for people being rude to others in order to get what they want; however, if you purchase something, you have every right to figure out how to respectfully receive it or be refunded. My family was really big on this one- like where other people think back to life lessons passed down from their parents to "be kind" or "respect your elders," I only-somewhat fondly remember learning not to "get screwed." Thanks mom and dad. That said, as long as you incorporate rule 1 and 2 first, I fully endorse this viewpoint.

Here is a list of memorable customer service events...

1. PURPLE mattress. This is not a sponsored post. I did extensive research to try to find something comfortable for my painful lower back. Full memory foam was too "sinky", and being a curvy human, I wanted something that supported me properly- a topic lamented in many reviews of memory foam mattresses. I wanted my mattress to feel somewhat soft, but provide a lot of support- an order that almost doesn't make sense. My Purple mattress was love at first sleep. It was a moderate "Investment" but a mattress is designed to last 10 years or so and it's a necessary purchase. Unfortunately, when a major mold issue was uncovered at my apartment, I had to leave my wonderful (only two year old) mattress behind. I was pretty bummed about potentially using 10% of my insurance money to buy a bed, though this wasn't Purple's fault.

That said, my mom contacted them. My mattress was still under warranty, she claimed. That's ridiculous, mom, I told her. Don't waste your time. But lo and behold, Purple says, we're so sorry to hear about your mold experience, we are sending over a brand new Queen-sized mattress. And they did. I purchased a new Purple bed frame and a few pillows to go along with the Queen mattress that arrived at my doorstep- F R E E; All because my mom asked.

I have to wonder if I could have accomplished that. Although I keep a quiet Thomas the tank engine "I think I can.... avoid getting screwed" mantra in my head, I'm merely "okay" with my ability to get what I want. Part of that is because I refuse to break rules 1 and 2... And part of it is because I'm not great at the sales game. My mom has no qualms about speaking up; she will get a little rowdy, and she knows how to bargain. If I had called Purple and told them of my predicament I don't know if I would have gotten my mattress replaced, but it happened. Kudos to Purple, and thanks Mom.

2. Luxury Sheet/Towel Brand. When I left my mold-apartment I was super bummed to leave behind my soft, luxurious and expensive "anti-bacterial" towels. After 17 weeks in an extended stay hotel with crappy scratchy towels, I was so happy to open the four new overpriced towels I splurged on from that same company I loved; at least, I was happy until I realized they were nothing like what I had before. Customer service asked for a photo of the towels, replied back that they looked normal. I asked for a refund and they encouraged me to take my time and wash them a few times to see if they'd get softer- and I did so, unsuccessfully.When I asked for a refund again a few weeks later they refused saying my return window ended. When I cited their email they said oops, ok we will refund you. I sent back the towels and six months later, I'm still waiting on that refund... Sometimes timely and kind customer service truly is a luxury.

3. Food Delivery. As one of those higher-risk immune system folks, I have all but quit grocery stores, relying on delivery... You have to make some allowances- it does you no good to get angry that your delivery person can't pick out a decent avocado- like, just forget it now, it's not gonna happen. There will be bruises on your fruit. Seriously, don't even try to order a peach, or especially a banana, which will either be bright green or dark brown, but definitely not yellow. That said, delivery companies seem to be pretty solid about refunds for poor substitutions or lost items.

I recently had an order that was clearly missing an entire bag with $20 worth of items, and I promptly emailed the company. My order was also missing - not charged, but several basic items were refunded; I'm sorry, you're trying to tell me there's no Sparkling Water or Apples OR lettuce at Ralphs? I may be bored and at home and therefore a conspiracy theorist, but I was annoyed and hungry and gently and politely inquired about whether these items were refunded because the delivery person ran out of time- which is just relevant feedback. So I wrote to them:

Me: Hello food company- I just had an order for sparkling water, apples, and lettuce and I'm pretty sure my local Ralphs was not out of these basic items. The order, which I just received, was also missing $20 worth of items that were listed as being checked out. So, y'know, just wanted to inquire about that.

Them: Hello rude and entitled customer. Your delivery person WAS there within their allotted time-- moreover, according to our records they waited for you for 10 minutes and finally left your order at your door...

Did you guys know that moreover is a synonym for besides, which basically means Fuck You in customer service speak? Not. Impressed.

I had also greeted my delivery person at my door with a mask, said hello and did not keep them waiting 30 seconds- and definitely not 10 minutes. It was a weird response. Zero stars...

4. Mattress Monsters: Year ago, before I discovered Purple, and shortly after a bad car accident, I needed a bed. I shopped for weeks- trying not to cry as everything was painful to lay on. Finally I found it- an Aireloom. A Soft Aireloom. It was a splurge and a half, but I'd just sold my condo so it was the only time in my life I'd make this kind of an investment, even to sleep well. When my Aireloom arrived, it was dropped off by two stinky burly delivery guys who took the plastic off and bolted- I laid down, relieved, only to immediately realize it was not the correct model. The label confirmed it was the Extra Firm Aireloom. Sorry SUCKA, the mattress store said. Okay, not in those words, but same sentiment. We communicated for 4 or 5 days- my "don't get screwed" believing parents got involved- the store still didn't budge. Finally we hired movers and a truck to get the mattress back to the store and somehow they actually brought the correct mattress. Consequently, this mattress wreaked havoc on my poor lower back, which needed something firmer- though probably not extra firm.

5. Treadmill Terror: I bought myself a treadmill about a decade ago. I was so proud of very my adult purchase. I didn't ask anyone for help, but perused the used treadmill store and carefully read the return policy- of course, I wouldn't need to return my treadmill, who I named Miles. But Miles wasn't up for Miles- the minute he went a few blocks, he grew hot to the touch, releasing a smokey smell that filled my apartment. I called the treadmill store owner who said I had to pay $75 for the movers to pick up the $350 treadmill and then he'd replace it- only he didn't have a lot of other models at that price point so it would probably cost me another $300. My mother finally called-he said who are you- she probably could have said Bonnie's mother, but she told the owner she was his "worst nightmare" and he was smart enough to listen- the next day he sent over a treadmill that did not smoke- not even a little bit. I did tip the movers who brought the new treadmill. While I like to take care of delivery people and act conscientiously with that kind of thing, I do not expect to pay anything when my paid-in-full merchandise is sent over fully defective... It's also a lesson in the cost of buying used- but money is relative. A new treadmill was not even a consideration at that time, and looking back, the possibility of being stuck with that smoker or paying another $300 was a total dealbreaker and not just a matter of annoyance.

So, I initially planned to introduce this as a ranking of customer service experiences from glowing to terrible, but now that they're all on paper, it's clear that the lesson has been that mostly, people have been a pain in the butt- except Purple. I suppose what I actually have is 1 positive experience and 4 annoying ones...

That said, I stand by the life lessons I have learned. May you calmly embrace the RED of your anger at being screwed and the BLUE of your sadness of being screwed and turn it into a happy PURPLE, who, according to my experiences, is one of the only companies that has it right.

You may not get to experience the relief of getting your bed replaced for free, but if you speak up appropriately and confidently, you can likely avoid lamenting the loss of an item you paid for.