No, You Don't Need To Experience Something To Not Be A Jerk About It

We're changing. We're evolving.

The other night I was watching a 1990s kid's movie with my nanny kids and they were shocked at some of the content. It was clear, even to a 7 and 9 year old, that the content we share and the way we behave has changed.

We do things in accordance to the values we are taught. We do what we see others around us do. And, sometimes, we do things (the way we have learned to do them) until someone points out that what we have learned is toxic.

There were points in history where white people convinced themselves that it was ethical to enslave black people... And then, when that was no longer socially acceptable, it was a "thing" for black people to be sent to different drinking fountains or to be forced sit at the back of the bus. Did anyone living in that time truly agree with these things? At least, anyone of high moral fibre?

On a lesser scale, I have watched a slight evolution of a few things in the last decade. Most recently, people have been vocal about struggles that have been caused or provoked by the pandemic.

While it's wonderful to see an increase in empathy, it is important that we talk about how and why this has come about. Because this is not the way this should have happened. And how we got here matters.

It absolutely should not have taken a global pandemic to treat people with consideration and respect. The results here are positive, but the journey is toxic, and if we ignore it, what's to stop us from continuing along a dangerous path.

So what is the issue here? Am I actually telling you that it's a problem that as a result of you knowing how hard this pandemic has been, you know to be empathic to others?

Yes, Virginia, that's a problem.

You should not need to go through something to respect, support, or empathize with someone going through that ordeal.

Among a myriad or ordeals, it's beyond commonplace for folks to be dealing with a bit of what we have labeled "Pandemic Weight Gain." Some people are calling it the "Covid 15" akin to the Freshman 15, sometimes gained in college.

If you google this term, you'll find lots of great stuff. Thoughtful info. Helpful tips. A level of acceptance. So what's wrong? Nothing. For once, we are handling this correctly. Take notes.

But Covid19 is an isolated moment in time. There has been plenty of trauma before this, and there will be plenty after. We have been through big things as a country, and we will surely go through more. But more notably, humans go through traumatic and challenging experiences every day.

Among other silly learned things, fat shaming has always been embarassing. Oh, not to the person being shamed. I mean, as a person who has been shamed for her weight, I will say yes there are negative feelings there. But I mean the person doing the shaming.

How embarrassing for a person who truly believes they should ever comment on another person's appearance. How sad that something so ugly lives so deep in a person's soul that they don't understand the impact they can have on another person. And how sad for any person over 7 years old who this is NEW information for.

But if you're new. Welcome.

But this isn't empathy. It's closer to shared trauma. You're traumatized so you understand how others are.

Our shared trauma is not meaningless. But someday we will be on the other side of this, and we need to shift. We need to get more than shared trauma and commiseration out of going through a global pandemic.

Back when Trump was president, I had a talk with my mother, who has come a little closer to the center, but has always voted as a republican.

I asked her simply, how can you even consider voting for this man, based on x, y, and z... I listed examples, showed her videos. Political feelings, thoughts about the economy aside, I have such a hard time understanding how someone who is blatantly abusive, narcisitic, and vulgar could be considered for a leadership position at a Walmart. So having to spell out why he shouldn't lead the country? How do I need to explain this?

It was futile, but I always kept at it. My mother was especially passionate about people even wanting to take down statues- not whether they took action, but just them suggesting that we remove statues of violent racist predators was sacrilege to her.

So I asked her what if Encino has a big ol' statue of Adolf Hitler. Would she support that being removed?

She got immediately passionate. Oh. Yes, that affects her, so now she gets it.

"You should go around to older people like me and explain it to them that way...that's really helpful," she told me.

I told her, you're missing the point. If we have to break things down to that level, we are missing a very key aspect of our humanity. We are in so deep in our biases and ignorance that we need to be treated like little children. Only, I shouldn't say that, because I didn't have to explain this to my nanny children to this degree- because they got it from "people are upset about monuments of racists."

Why would there even BE monuments to honor such people in the first place, they wondered. And I wondered the same thing.

I know many older people struggle with some things they have learned from our fractured so-called civilization (that hasn't always been so civilized...) and that's a deeper issue on a lot of levels. But I'm tired of excuses. So, open your eyes.

Listen.

Treat other people the way you'd want to be treated.

Don't say things to others you wouldn't say to yourself in the mirror.

If you need some accountability, pretend someone you respect is listening to you when you talk to others...

And keep your eyes open- just because you see others saying and doing something- hell, even just because something is a "law" doesn't mean it is good. It just means it's legal.