The world feels more quiet; lonelier even.

But maybe it is. I try to be as optimistic as I can about things I’m going through. Countless job applications with no reply? There’s more jobs to apply to. Job interviews that bear no fruit? Rejection is redirection. Almost a year of doing nothing? God is probably asking me to rest and take it easy for now. If anyone asks how I’m doing? I’ll just say I’m doing okay.

However, quietly, I put a lot of hope into this last one. I truly believed that this would make all the waiting and tiring positivity worth it: getting accepted to pursue my masters in Clinical Psychology. Academics have always been my forte and I was so sure of pursuing my masters even before I started my bachelor’s. I studied endlessly, busied myself with university programs, and did my best during my internship, all with the end goal of pursuing my dreams.

After months of waiting and letting one disappointment after another brush me by, I woke up with an email and I was ecstatic. My heart was beating out of my chest and my hands shook with adrenaline. My vision was blurry and I kept missing the button but I didn’t wait to adjust myself; my dream was waiting for me. I waited for the screen to load. A red “Rejected” stared back at me. Heartbreak would be an understatement. I felt like a shell missing its body, a soul missing its purpose.

Suddenly the world felt more quiet, lonelier than before.

And I’m not this sad over just being rejected or just because things didn’t go the way I wanted but because after telling myself over and over again that rejection is redirection, I hoped and prayed that one of these days I would reach that destination, no more redirection. In all honesty, I am tired. I just needed one “win” to feel like myself again. I cried and stayed in bed for majority of the day. Just for a day, hope felt like a burden too heavy to carry. I prayed for a sign that all this waiting is worth it in the end, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed and asked God,“When will it be my turn?” not in anger but in weariness. Lately, prayers would be where I laid all my heartache.

Today I picked myself up again. I pulled myself out of bed, put on my favourite playlist, went for a walk, and might go see my friends. Distract myself from how disappointed I feel and try again. Although the phrase tastes bitter in my mouth, it is without a doubt that rejection is redirection. Hope still feels heavy but I’ll carry it with me nonetheless. Whether I drag it by my feet or cradle it gently, I’ll learn to carry it softly especially on days that feel lonely.

Thinking back, I’m so grateful for the friends I had during my university days, for filling my days with laughter and bringing me out just to stop staring at my laptop screen. I’m grateful for my high school friends that I see from time to time. Even after months or years of not seeing each other, we can still hangout and laugh like no time has passed. It is moments like these that remind me it isn’t so bad after all.

One day I’ll reach my destination, no matter how many redirections I may take. For the time being, all this ache has a place to rest.

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

And if you’re waiting too, I hope this piece lets you lay even a fraction of your ache.