The Little Black Book

The Little Black Book

"Is it because he's brown? Is it because he made out with the daughter of an ex-army who happened to amass a fortune selling cocaine to school kids in the seventies? Is it because he fornicated with Sasha who happens to be white? Or is it because he was in a live-in with a white girl who happens to be Sasha?" Questions like these were haunting him all at once and Kishore had zero clue for which was the case. Nonetheless, he needed to get the heck out of the hellhole called New London Hospital where a group of six "nurses" had attempted to take his life moments earlier.

Like all third world foreign students, Kishore was simply another lucky kid with bright aspirations for his future in America. Coming from a dysfunctional middle class family, he had his inner demons which he could finally lock away and focus on his studies. Leaving his poverty-stricken country for an opportunity of a better life in the richest country was a dream come true for kids like Kishore. Only this time, the dream was really a domino-like nightmare.

A year ago, Kishore was, humbly put, at the rock bottom. He had just come back to his school in the states from his home country, following a recovery after a major bike accident that left him literally and metaphorically scarred for life. Despite his best efforts, he dropped out of school and ended up in the vicious system of American mental asylum for a negligible use of marijuana. One should note that post-nine-eleven, cases with brown faces - like this one - were getting unwanted attention and treatment. Unbeknownst to what his fate looked like, Kishore felt like a lonely fish in a bowl. He saw himself like one helpless brown trout surrounded by scary white sharks in the state of New Hampshire where ninety three percent of the population is white. Nevertheless, Kishore persisted. Support from his best friend was really the only cane he held onto, which strutted him to Seattle. He was very enthused for this second life. That summer, he needed to save money for tuition. However, after his best friend left the city for a job prospect, Kishore found himself back with his melancholies. Struggling to perform even the basic chores, he couldn't find a new place to live as the lease was ending. His last piece of domino led him to the streets.

Kishore had been living under an overpass bridge at a nearby park for the past three months. Every morning, he woke up with the sound of morning joggers. For food, he would make a mile trip back and forth from the nearest food bank. Next, his daily ritual took him to the sidewalks of busy Seattle streets where he learned the basics of street cred. For dinner, he stopped by a youth ministry where they served warm food and offered beds to sleep for those in need. As convenient as this was, he would rather stay up late with his street pals at the park after dinner. The late night talks about untethered hatred against the capitalist government, ruthless police force, ungrateful generation of our parents and their priorities, and constant illusion of the greatest nation on earth made him feel like he belonged there. The feeling of despair was gone. The want to self harm disappeared. He no longer gave a damn about that scar, for he was learning to let go. Moreover, a teenage pitbull-boxer puppy named Sophia came into his life after one of his friends from the ave (streets) decided to give her to a humane society. Sophia was a jumpy, playful and “difficult” breed for America where obedient, gentle retrievers dominated most households. However, Sophia warmed up to Kishore like an ice-cream on a hot Sunday. Their father-daughter bond melted the hearts of all eyes. The only thing missing from the picture was a mom figure. Soon enough, that hole filled when Sasha arrived.

Kishore had never met Sasha before. He had seen her on random occasions, but they never talked, never shared glances and never hung out with mutual friends. Yes they were Facebook connected, because they went to the same school, but so were five hundred other students. For one who shares similar interests, Sasha was among the intriguing girls on Facebook who would post pictures of food she made, drawings she did, songs she sang and thought-provoking stances she held. One day, while surfing the internet at the local Seattle public library, Kishore reads her relationship status update as “in relationship with Pathak”. While he didn’t know her well, he definitely had an inkling about Pathak's temperament from previous encounters. Pathak was known to create havoc at parties. From spilling beers on a friend’s head to picking a fight with a stranger, Kishore had seen the tip of the iceberg when it came to Pathak’s character. But this wasn’t why he was in the library. Since Sophia came into his life, he had found a new hope to get better. He was looking at schools that would accept him in his situation. He was signing up for free job training and seeking mental health counsel from local non-profits. However, just when he was about to sign out, a sharp pain-like feeling poked him in the back of his head. As happy as he usually is seeing couples find love, this one felt different. He felt like he needed to intervene, but all he could do was congratulate her. So that’s what he did before he left the library with Sophia.

Next day at the library, Kishore received an acknowledgement from Sasha on his greetings. Following the acknowledgement, was a simple yet profound question that nobody had asked him in a while, “How are you Kishore? Are you doing fine?” Kishore had forgotten about the fame his accident and drop-out had brought him while in school in New Hampshire. So he thought she was simply asking him about his accident. To which he replied that he was doing alright. He didn’t want to burden her with his street adventures. It was now his turn to ask so he did, “How are you doing? How’s the new relationship working out for ya? By the way, love your posts!” Kishore didn’t hear back from Sasha for the next three days. He wanted to worry, but couldn’t find a compelling reason to. On the fourth day since the last conversation, he received a message. It was long. As he began reading it, his forehead started to frown, his ears got flaming red and he couldn’t believe what his eyes were reading. As it turns out, the relationship between Pathak and Sasha was an abusive one. In the text she mentions instances where Pathak was being physically abusive to her from the beginning. It sounded like she was trapped in a toxic relationship with him where she felt dependent towards his affection. And when that affection turned into something violent and toxic, she accepted it as if that’s what she deserved. Then Kishore was about to lose it as he read the word “rape”. As he continued reading, he learnt that Sasha hadn’t reported what happened to her to the authorities because she was convinced by Pathak’s friends not to do so. They’d warned her that if she did such a thing, Pathak would be deported to his country and it would ruin his life. Kishore’s jaw dropped open as he was taking all this in. He didn’t know who he was more mad at, Pathak for his horrendous crime against her or his friends who tried to cover it up.

As awful as he felt about this, Kishore wanted to get this girl out of the sinkhole she was in. So he maintained constant communication with her even though it amounted to one hour computer time he got at the library. She was unable to muster up the courage to report what had happened. However, after days of convincing, it seemed like she was finally realizing how wrong her relationship was. On the day he finally learnt that she’d broken up with him, Kishore and Sophia went on a picnic to celebrate. You see, that was the kind of soul Kishore had. He would often forget to take care of himself but when it came to bringing joy to other people, he left no stone unturned. As days passed, the two became close friends. While Kishore had taken in a new friendship, Sasha on the other hand was starting to develop feelings for him. And when Sasha learnt of Kishore’s homeless situation, this didn’t sit comfortably in Sasha’s heart. So she decided to take matters into her own hands and let him know how she felt for him. She also insisted that he move to New Hampshire if he felt the same way about her. Kishore on the other hand was in a dilemma. Yes, he too had started developing feelings for her but he also had other priorities - a place to live, education, job, Sophia and so on. As much as he wanted to see her, he didn’t want to take any rash decisions especially when it came to matters of hearts. Furthermore, he did not believe he was mentally ready or emotionally available for someone else when he knew he himself needed some work first. Sasha took it hard when she misread his rational thought processes as defensive rejection. To be fair, she was at a very vulnerable place and desperately needed someone to help her through the recent trauma. In the end, Kishore gave in and accepted her proposal dreading the possibility that if he did not move to New Hampshire, she might end up doing something stupid like self-harm. This is how Sophia got to fly on an airplane for the first time. It was exciting because she was about to meet her mommy, but she didn’t know that. She’s a dog.

Six months ago, Kishore had hit rock bottom. Today, he was living in a small cottage house nearby a lake with Sasha and Sophia. He’d just started to work at a gas station nearby. She went to school and worked part-time at a coffee shop. Sophia was happy being just a dog. Every month, they would go visit her grandma up north where Sasha would play piano for her. Although at first Kishore felt strange being back in New Hampshire, he was working towards being grateful for what he had, except for one thing. For some reason, he wasn’t a great fan of Sasha’s father. There was nothing rude or off-putting about him; however, the fact that he was ex military who sold cocaine to school kids didn’t quite sit well with Kishore. Then one day Sasha and Kishore were spending a night at her dad’s. Sasha had just fought with her dad and went to her room. Her dad then approached Kishore handing him an envelope and uttered something like, “Please take my daughter, I don’t know what to do with her!” There was twenty thousand dollars in the envelope. Kishore was speechless.

As days went by, Kishore tried to forget what had happened at her dad’s. However, he couldn’t fathom the reasons behind what her dad told him. At the cottage, Sasha wasn’t feeling great either. Things only got worse after that. As tensions ran high between them, Kishore had taken up smoking and drinking. Sasha on the other hand was having a hard time juggling between school, work and relationship. It was certain for both that the relationship was going to a dead end.This prediction took a definite shape when they had a big fight one day. Sasha couldn’t take what Kishore had become and wondered if he ever was any different. Foreseeing a definite end after this, she packed her bags, took Sophia and left the house as Kishore was trying to finish a point. Seeing them two leave from the driveway, he felt like someone put an enormous boulder on his back. He couldn’t believe what he had become and started blaming himself for their future. As he couldn’t take it anymore, his frustration took the form of violence as he picked up his guitar and started breaking things around the house. When he opened his eyes, everything was destroyed. He then heard a loud bang on the door, “Police! Open up!” Kishore was taken to the nearby New London hospital.

Remember the rock bottom in Seattle? The worst was about to happen. It had been more than twelve hours since Kishore was waiting for doctor’s evaluation in the emergency room. Finally, a nurse came in. The nurse was followed by a second nurse. By the time everyone was inside the room, there were six huge white male nurses standing by. The sixth nurse then locked the door. “What’s going on?”, Kishore said. No one uttered a sound. Just like that, the first nurse put his big arms on Kishore’s neck. That was immediately followed by the rest of them holding him down to bed as hard as they could. Before Kishore could realize what was going on and cry for help, it had been ten seconds since he’d stopped breathing air. He struggled to move but failed to gasp and breathe. His tiny fragile limbs were getting squashed by large fat arms. Kishore could feel his eyes bulging out of their sockets. At this point his body was giving in as he was ready to accept his end. All of a sudden, due to excess sweat built up around the neck, the nurse’s grip slipped and when he tried to put his arms back on the neck, it ended up on Kishore’s mouth. As his survival instinct kicked in, Kishore then bit the arm as hard as he could, resulting in the nurse to wail out loud. After that, all of the nurses let go of Kishore and fled the scene. Scared for his life, Kishore didn’t know what to do next, whom to trust or where to go. He couldn’t leave the hospital without a psych doctor’s note. Since that horrific moment of attempted murder, he hadn’t seen any of those nurses again. Few hours later, he was approached by a psych doctor who asked, “Why did you bite the nurse’s arm?”. Kishore didn’t know how to answer that question. He couldn’t tell the doctor what had happened because it happened in the same hospital. All he could do was pretend he was fit to leave the hospital and never come back.

The day Kishore got out of the hospital, he got on the first bus to leave New Hampshire. While checking his ticket inside the bus, he stumbles upon a black book with a note that says, “I fear for your life. Run!” He tried reaching out to Sasha, only to realize that Sasha had a restraining order against him. When he finally got hold of her through Facebook, he had so many questions but didn’t know which one to ask first. He finally asked, “Why didn’t you come to see me in the hospital?”, to which she replied, “I did come to the hospital not to see you, but to stop my dad. He was trying to come inside the hospital to hurt you for what you did.” Kishore couldn’t believe what he was seeing over the text. He closed his eyes as his mind wandered, “Was it really her father who sent those ‘nurses’ to kill me since he couldn’t? Was it because I wrecked the house or because I didn’t give a confirmation to him when he asked me to “take his daughter away”? Was it my mental health that’s the culprit for my near demise? Or was it the color of my skin? Was there ever a reason for what happened?”

End