The Life of Willow

$20,000…

I literally have $20,000 cash…in my hands…right now.

Willow paced her tiny apartment. Ten steps took her from the front door, facing south,

to the exposed brick wall to the north.

Back and forth she paced, thinking.

Who could have sent me this? Who would just give me twenty grand?

Willow found the money in an envelope addressed to her, but without a return address. She could not recognize the handwriting at all. And though she could not prove that this was a completely random gift, she had a feeling that it was exactly that…a gift.

Someone just gave her $20,000.

The envelope with the money included a note that said:

“For whatever you need.”

Willow lead a very ordinary life. Almost nothing interesting ever happened. She worked at a job that she hated, but needed. She had friends who simultaneously loved her but did not know who she really was. She had a clean, safe home in a neighborhood near a park. She knew she was fortunate and appreciated how secure she felt. Even so, she couldn’t help wanting more from life, and felt guilty and ungrateful for even thinking like that.

Did I mention money to anyone recently?

She already knew the answer to this question…no. Everyone has problems…why should she burden others with hers? Whether or not anyone assumed that she might be struggling, the fact was that she never ever talked about it, let alone asked anyone for money.

Maybe I slipped and complained out loud. How else would someone decide to give me this much money? It couldn’t be random…it just couldn’t be.

Then, Willow began to think about the people in her life. None of them were particularly well off. They all, for the most part, had the same kind of money issues that she did. Those who did not were blissfully unaware of the concept of financial insecurity. She definitely did not discuss fiscal matters with those friends. She loved them fine, but she knew from experience that there were limits to their understanding. She didn’t fault them for it…in fact, she often wondered whether she might feel the same way, if she had been born into a moneyed family.

Finding no solution to the $20,000 puzzle, she changed course and walked past the neat, open kitchen, past the bathroom, and back into her bedroom. The bedroom was orderly but sparse, having just a bed, nightstand, and floor lamp. There were no pictures hanging on the walls, nor any decorations to indicate the sense of being settled.

She pulled a box from beneath her bed that contained her most pressing bills. Why did she put it under the bed?

I don’t have the money to pay these…I really don’t. Well, I didn’t have the money to pay these…but now I guess I should.

She flipped through the papers and landed on the most pressing bill. It was a smaller, private student loan for $5,000.

The responsible thing to do would be to just pay this off straight away, and then I won’t have to worry about it anymore.

In her mind, she could hear herself screaming.

This is a free, random $20,000! Shouldn’t I be using this money to do something that I actually want…something that feeds my soul?!

She sat down on her bed, grabbed a small black notebook and pen from her nightstand, and started thinking about the possibilities.

She created a list of all of the things she needed to do, as an adult.

- Get new tires for car.

- Pay off private student loan.

- Pay off car.

She stopped, scratched out that list, and started a new list.

- Go back to Italy.

She stopped. After all of these years, and all of the things she did to put space between her present life and her trip to Italy in 2009, it was still there…the desire to go back and revel in the culture.

A switch flipped in her brain. She could use this money to go live in Italy. She could quit her job, cash out her retirement account, and with this unforeseen gift and her savings, she could go to Italy and just…take life as it comes.

This idea felt dangerous. Anyone she might tell this to would think she had lost her entire mind.

Why do I have to tell anyone? Why should I let the fear of others stop me?

It was a simple question, but one with consequences. Could she just quietly prepare herself to leave her current life behind? Could she handle the response from those who would find out after the fact?

I can do this. This is something that can really happen.

She used to dream about things like this. When she was little, she had always wanted to go on adventures, to experience something different than the world she knew. This was her chance to truly live her dreams and be happy.

I am going to do this…There is no reason why this can’t work out. I’ll keep it to myself and make small steps toward this goal.

For the next 6 months, Willow worked like a machine. She stopped eating out...in fact, all of her meals were modest these days. She still saw her friends, but they noticed a change in her…she was peaceful, focused…glowing. She spent her free time trying her best to improve her Italian, which had gotten rusty from lack of use. She slowly sold everything she had, and what she couldn’t sell, she quietly gave away.

She had already been freelancing as a copywriter, so she would continue to do so while she was in Italy to support herself.

Planning without telling anyone was difficult for Willow. She didn’t want attention, but she felt guilty about making these changes without presenting it to her family and friends for approval. She had always been expected to do so, and though she fought that conditioning, this was the first time she felt truly successful at removing that ever-present, external judgement from her existence. She felt freer with each passing moment.

It was her last day in town. After everything, she was finally realizing her dream.

Willow went to her favorite restaurant, The Fort, one last time before she left. She entered and went to the bar, her preferred location for dining. Zoe, her favorite bartender, was busy making drinks.

“Hey Willow! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here…how are you doing?”

“Hey! I am great! I am actually celebrating!”

“Yes! What are we celebrating? Would you like a drink?”

Willow ordered a glass of wine and told Zoe all about the move.

“Wow…how did you decide to just up and move?”

Willow thought about telling Zoe about the random $20,000 gift, but then decided that no one really needed to know that detail. She knew how crazy it would sound.

“I needed a change, and I had been wanting to go back for such a long time. I finally realized that I just needed to make it happen,” she said, resolutely.

“That is so brave! Do you know anyone there? Do you know where you’ll stay?”

“I had some friends there from my first visit, but we’ve fallen out of contact. I may try to reach them once I get there and settled. I am flying to Florence but I am not sure where I will end up staying,” said Willow, with an edge of fear. She took a breath and released the pressure building in her chest.

They continued chatting and Willow ordered all of her favorites. When she was ordering her second drink, Zoe leaned in to whisper to Willow.

“It’s funny you are leaving tomorrow, because The Fort is closing in a couple of weeks…” she said quietly while polishing a wine glass, determined not to be overheard.

“Oh no! That’s awful news…how are you feeling about it?” Willow asked, truly concerned for Zoe.

“You know…things end. I have other things lined up, so I’ll be okay. Working here has been a wonderful experience; I have learned so much about myself, food, and life really…but I’m not sad. I am grateful for the time spent here and will move forward. Everything will be fine.”

Wow…That is so wise. The grace to move harmoniously with life when unexpected changes arise is such a gift.

Willow looked at her friend with great admiration.

Willow checked in for her flight with an hour to spare, so she grabbed a coffee and sat, waiting for the flight to board.

She had been nervous about everything to do with this move: the random $20,000 gift, the opinions of others, the shock of uprooting her life, immersing herself in a different culture and language…so many changes. Talking to Zoe helped her realize that the stream of worry had to end, if she really wanted to enjoy this adventure. She had to stop letting everything stoke her doubts and choose to live in the present moment.

She was deep in self-reflection when the boarding call came. She made her way to the line, boarding pass in hand, and let her thoughts drift back to her unknown future.

She understood that as she thought through every detail of this move, she was actually trying to liberate herself from fear. Making these moves toward her dreams was in preparation for the eventual letting go of some pre-determined outcome. She had to take one more step to release herself and open the door to possibilities currently unimagined. She had to give herself permission to walk into the unknown.

I will choose to go with the flow of life…I cannot worry endlessly about what might happen. I have to remain in the present moment to truly enjoy all that this experience will offer.

Everything that happens will be what it is. I cannot control it…I cannot define it.

She handed her boarding pass to the flight attendant. She took a deep breath and smiled.

As she stepped onto the plane, her soul was lighter than it had ever been.