The Gut Feeling - Part 1

It was a cold December day. My children and I decorated the tree and played board games while their father was away on business. He was coming home late that night. He never wanted to decorate for Christmas with us. Late that night he came home and went right to bed. No talking about the trip or how the kids were while he was gone. Nothing. So I stayed up watching a movie and texting a friend while browsing the internet as was my usual late night plan.

I can still remember how it felt the minute I knew things were going wrong. How did this take a turn so suddenly? Were my actions to blame? Is this what he felt like those many years ago?

It’s 2am. My children are asleep. My husband is asleep in our bed. I knew all the signs. I experienced them years before but from the other side. The texting in the middle of the night, the inside jokes, the smile you can’t contain. But then I see the words pop up on my phone. “So, when are you and I gonna just make out already?”

It was a Saturday. I spent all day texting my co worker and best friend. His name was Fernando. Fernando was 10 years my junior. I was assigned to train him at work four years earlier. We developed a friendship quite quickly. I was known for this. I always related to males better than females. A lover of sports, animation and science fiction I rarely got along with women or had anything in common with them. Many of the male co workers I befriended I remained friends with after they left. This felt like just another pal.

We spent the last four years just being good friends. He knew my life and I knew his. He met my children and my husband. He talked extensively to me about his girlfriend. We never used each other for comfort during issues in our relationships. We supported each other at work. Mostly we just always had something mundane to talk about. Silly conversations about our favorite television shows or our crazy co-workers. We always texted memes and interesting articles.

This evening didn’t feel any differently. We were playing chess through an app as we often did and just talking about work and life. He then confided in me with something personal about him and his girlfriend. I listened and offered suggestions. And we moved on to other topics. But then it came, that phrase. “So when are you and I gonna just make out already?”

I stared at the phone for five minutes. I didn’t know what to respond. I thought immediately he was hanging out with other male coworkers and was just messing with me. I am an overworked, out of shape, cute at best, married mother of two children. I am not the woman a young handsome guy typically would go for.

I responded. “Ha, you’re funny. Are you drunk?” I watched those three dots for what seemed like hours. They popped up, disappeared, and poppped up again. He was carefully wording his response. I expected just a quick, “lol jk”. I was very wrong.

“No,” he replied, “I am serious. I think we should. I think about you all the time. We have so much in common and we spend more time with each other than we do with our significant others. It just makes sense.”

Again, I just stared at the phone. I knew at this point our friendship was going to change forever.

My husband had an emotional affair with a younger woman he had known a for a few weeks, several years earlier. I saw all the signs. I confronted them and I forced it to end. He barely knew this woman.

I should have ended my friendship with Fernando in that moment. Because I knew how terrible my husbands emotional affair made me feel. But I couldn’t. He was an important person in my life. Work and personally. I had to navigate this and try to keep it intact.

He spent the next hour or so trying to convince me that we should be together. That he knew I felt the same about him. No one would get hurt or have to know. I told him it would never happen. He responded with, “I will wear you down. You won’t be able to say no.”

Looking back, I really wish I could have proved him wrong. But then, there would be no story to tell.

But at this point I had to figure out how to navigate going to work the next day and seeing him in person. Sitting face to face, less than two feet from him all day after this conversation. I walked to my desk. Took off my coat and sat down. He looked at me and then he winked. At that moment I knew I was in trouble. And it kills me to say I was right.