The Grow up

He dropped to one knee. I was in complete and utter shock. I think I said yes. I must have said something because he came off that knee and bear hugged me and wouldn’t let me go. Our worlds were about to be turned upside down because no one, including our families, even knew we were dating. Like no one. I snapped a pic of us. He posted it on his gram. ‘This woman is the epitome of what love requires. She supports me in ways unknown and secures our future. I can’t believe I just asked my best friend to have this journey forever with me. She said yes.’ The caption read. All my sisters follow him. His brothers follow me and I’m tagged in his post. We didn’t get in the car good before phones started jumping. The stories I grew up hearing about him. How he was taking his parents through the ringer. The chip he had they couldn’t knock off. He wouldn’t give in . Pretty sure he only gives to what he wants to now. It had been nonstop the past 30 days. No utterance from our parents. We were headed to our third brunch to celebrate us. He said he’d pick me up at 3. My mom , apparently , was keeping her silence no longer.

“Have time for your mother ,” she asked as I opened the door. Grins slowly faded at the realization it wasn’t him. We sat. She spoke.

“I understand you think you are in love but you couldn’t possibly be considering this seriously. His back ground.”

“Is the same as mine down to how many siblings.”

“He listens to nothing.”

“Or uses wisdom to take risk others would deny opportunity too.”

“He’s not reasonable.”

“ Or doesn’t bend the way you want.”

Her hand went up in pause. It was her signaling disrespect had been had. She needed to have her say. Guess grown doesn’t mean exempt😒. “I need you to consider two things. Is this a man you want to curate a life with? Have your kids raised by? Is your futures’ worth the risk? Here,” she handed me a check . I stared at her.

“Are you trying to pay me off?!”

“No,” She stated immediately. “This is seed money.”

“What are we planting.”

“An idea .”

“Idea or ideal you’d prefer I’d follow?”

“ I’m asking you to consider these three things,”. She spat them off. “If you have answers for these 3 questions then keep it. If you cannot articulate the meaning of this relationship without using the word love, then I beg you- end it. And use the money as a fresh start.”

“ So you’re giving me money to end my relationship?”

“ On the contrary,” she exposed “To consider all facets of it.”

“So, if I can thoroughly answer each question you pose , I keep the money?"

“You keep the money.”

“Regardless of circumstance?”

“Regardless of circumstance.”

I went in.

Questions after inquisition as I barraged down a path that made it abundantly clear- If I completed this task but it did not yield her outcome, there was no debate about my next. Was she sure about this wager, I asked. She confirmed. She left. Brunch was had.

That night, he poured his words over me in cervices I tried to hide. Places I had long abandoned he found. He cast vision over our lives synonymous to making love. The intimacy he crafted left me on a high for his fix. He obliged and gave to me all I was craving. I could not deny him. Anything. Our secrets, our plans, our future thoughts. He took them and wired them into a space built just for us. Crafting each piece into its sole place. He loved me. Our individual persons were merging. I drank us in. In the morning I left. After two days I made a call. To the person who knew the untapped, Untamed, chip on his shoulder parts of him. The fragments I only half witnessed growing up but were being referred to now. His dad. I asked him to lunch. And he responded. He was free in 2 hours. I blocked the time. He picked the place. And for three hours I inquired of him and he answered. We engaged in a back forth. No breaks. No resistance. He didn't give with his words and neither did I in exchange for perceptions and experiences known. After, I sat in the car staring at Michael’s house. He was with his brothers. I don’t usually interrupt that; I don’t disturb their bond. But this couldn’t wait. I found myself banging on the door unsure. When did I get out of the car?

“Jo?! You okay?!? What’s up, You good?” Joey was my middle name. It's what he called me, Jo for short.

“We need to talk.” He opened up making way for me to come in -gaming console in hand. I didn't budge. He closed the door and came out instead.

“I called your dad and we had lunch”

“Why?”

“I needed to get some things off my chest.”

“I don’t need you to speak for me.”

“I wasn’t speaking for you; I was speaking for me.”

“If you were getting something off your chest about me assumptions were had.”

“Less about you and more about questions that I have.”

“If you’re using this being nervous about us as an excuse to talk to a man I have a very complicated dealings with- we have a problem”.

“Was Less about nerves and more about answers.”

“Answers you couldn't get from me?!? You lost me. There is no circumstance leaving you needing to speak to him. At all .”

“He's your dad”

“Yea and? Means nothing in this. So if you went to ease your anxiety about us, by talking to him, we have no words for each other.”

“Say what?!?”

“You heard me.”

“So now you're not talking to me?”

“ No. Now I'm considering not marrying you.”

I was stunned. “Are you serious?! Because I went to see a man I've known my entire life?!”

“No, because you didn’t trust me. My actions, my thoughts or that our love was secure.

Leave."

“That wasn’t what this was about,” I said quietly. Then left.

Maybe I made a mistake. To be honest, His dad had nothing but good things to say towards him. These stories surrounded him and I wanted him to speak for himself. He confirmed everything I knew to be true. Wild is not bad and safe is not a defining feature you look for in love. Or a man. In love nothing is ever safe but a mixture of things. Volatile and peace being two of them. A place you give over to submitting to each other in ways that build space articulated and understood only by you to. Love. the one thing I had but the one thing not saving me. Erin called.

“I lost him. I shouldn't have gone.”

“Where are you? I'm coming right now.” They all called -my sisters. I just didn’t answer for any but Erin. “I'm good I'll be okay. Also, your mom stopped by 2 days ago.”

“Really? Finally admitting there’s an engagement ? “

“If you call handing me 20 grand to reconsider it acknowledgement.”

“What?!”

“Right. It’s the only reason I called his dad. He was the one I knew would tell the truth. If he could confirm my thoughts then nothing could sway me.” Two calls came through, I ignored them. I got a text. ‘Answer your phone’ he texted. I was in my feelings and ignored his request. ‘Joey answer your phone please.’ I ignored. Guess he was ready to talk. But currently, I wasn’t.

“So, are you going to give the money back? “

“Nope.”

“I know you're not leaving Michael soooo...”

“Also correct. Apparently, If I can prove my case, I keep the money. 3 days from when she came.”

“Oh yea? So what are your plans with it? I know you. You’ve already spent it in your mind.”

“She called it seed money. It will be planted right into our marriage.” Erin hollered in laughter.

“I don’t know why you incite that woman!”

“Her bad . I asked did she really want to wager me, she confirmed.”

“Alright. I’m like 15 min from you. “

“Honestly Erin, I’m good.” Silence. “You ignoring me. I'm good.” Silence. “Erin!”

“10 min!” she hung up. They always sent her. They knew she was my favorite. A knock at the door. “I told you not to come so use your key I’m not getting up! Hesitation at the door. Then the lock slowly turned the same time I started toward the door.

“ Michael?”

“ You didn't answer.

Silence.

He sat his keys on the island. We both sat. Facing each other.

He rested his face in his hands then perched them on his knee. Let me be very clear about this . He paused. Like about digging any of this up. I went through a lot of stuff with my dad and having to re live any of it not what I want to do. period. The fact that you had a conversation with him without my knowledge really bothers me. Why him? You didn’t trust me? Do I scare you that much you can’t even take a chance on me without fact checking with the most notorious complication I have? What is it about us that makes you this nervous? We grew up together. You saw this first hand. You know how I feel about this. So why? What could he have given you I couldn’t?

I Pulled out the moleskin black notebook I had been using to track everything in and tossed it in his lap. “My mother came to see me 2 and half days ago before our brunch to talk me out of our marriage. To be honest it’s not real clear if she feels you’re not a right fit for me or I’m bad news for you. With her it could be either. She offered me 20,000 to reconsider our Union. I deconstructed all of her asking and confirmed, as long as I am able to answer these 3 questions thoroughly the money is mine. I grabbed my computer. My conversation with your dad wasn’t about trust or me doubting us. But to put to rest this perception you Dad views you as some problem child he couldn’t get to comply. He doesn’t. He spoke very highly of you and seems proud. He knew why I had come and laughed. Spared no story or thought so I could fashion my own conclusion about the perceptions I had been fed for years. You’re a good man because he’s a good man, complications or not. In that notebook are my answers. You are free to read them before I meet with my mother.

We sat in silence as he read for pages my thoughts, feelings, and what I had confirmed about us. “I’m cashing that check tomorrow,” I told him. Because you always told me that if you could marry anywhere, it would be on the shores of Cape Town, South Africa. We didn’t get to announce us in Aspen as planned, but I don’t mind replacing Aspen with South Africa. The concept of girlfriend with wife.” “My father loves me,” he concluded near tears. “Your father loves you,” I confirmed. My mother lost that wager. I cashed that check for 20,000 bucks. And married my best friend on the shores of my ancestors. Love holds no record of wrongs but hopes for the best in all things. The love you give belongs to you and those you pour it to freely. Love fearlessly.