The Golden Seas

I love this painting. Something about it soothes me from the inside, and calms my mind. I can stare at it all day long, and it never seems to get old. Even the name “Golden Seas” has such a calming demeanor about it. The majestic wooden ship, with sails drawn high, gliding above the powerful ocean waves with the sun barely peeking through the clouds. You could invent a thousand stories to go along with Charles Vickery's beautiful piece of artwork, and boy have I ever.

Maybe I’m a great explorer seeking out distant lands and cultures, or a battle-hardened soldier on my way home from another war. I could be a brave buccaneer battling Captain Blackbeard for all his buried treasure, or simply lost at sea desperate to find home left to the mercy of the fierce tide beneath me. I truly believe when it was painted the artist left the story open to be discovered so it could become anything you needed it to be. For me it has been a way of escaping. A way for me to see the outside world, and enjoy its beauties.

I first saw the painting hanging in the cafeteria. I seemed to be the only one who even noticed it, let alone appreciate its splendor. I wanted to so bad to ask and see if anyone could hang it in my room. I tried for the longest time to get people to understand what I was asking, but most people try hard not to notice me. Eventually, by some miracle, a nurse seemed to understand what I wanted, and one day I woke up to it hanging on the wall in front of my bed. Now I spend hours staring at it, dreaming I was anywhere but here.

It’s not that here is so bad, and I am very aware it could be much worse. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in, soft sheets to wrap myself up in, and room in a facility that for the most part stays decently warm. I know there are people like me out there who don’t have these blessings, and for that I am grateful, but what I wouldn’t do for one day of being normal. One day of being able to stand up, and walk out those doors on my own two feet. To drive myself to the nearest dock, board a ship, and go sailing around the world. To see new places, and new faces. To have real conversations with people where they not only understand me, but don’t look away every time I smile at them. Where they laugh at my jokes, and tell me how they love being around me. Just one day that’s all I want. So I can fall in love and have someone love me back. To hold them all night long, and wake up to a smiling face looking back at me.

“Good morning, James.”

“Good morning!” It’s what I want to say to her every morning, but nothing understandable ever really comes out. She’s one of my favorite aids who does a wonderful job keeping everything in order. She always makes sure I’m taken care of, and best of all she’s not afraid to look at me and smile. It’s always a blessing when people like her stop by my room, especially since there’s been people who have worked here over the years that aren’t very nice to me. I understand it can be rough on them to take care of someone like me, but they never actually see me. All they see is someone making their day worse. Someone who can’t communicate with them, or even hold still when it's time to eat. I’m always one involuntary movement away from getting slapped, or shook, or even worse sometimes. And, lets not even mention if they are around when I wet myself. What makes it even worse is they treat me like I’m stupid when there’s so much more to me than meets the eye. I would love to tell them how I understand they’re having a bad day, or I could apologize for spilling my drink, but every time I try to speak it gets all mixed up. Then they treat me like I can’t understand anything they are saying so they slow their speech down to make me feel even more brainless than I already do, and there’s no one I can tell to make it stop. The more I try to explain the more I shake, and the words never come out coherent. This just makes them angrier, or they just laugh at me and call me names. They don’t ever see me they just see the shell, and yet underneath this body that betrays me I am so much more aware than they ever realize.

When I was born, I was diagnosed with a mixture of Dyskinetic, and Ataxic, Cerebral Palsy. The joys of this disorder gave me no control of the body I live in. My mother was robbed of the wonderful moments of her baby’s first step, first words, first day at school, or even my first girlfriend. Instead, the baby she was given would be confided to a bed, or chair, the rest of his life. I have never known the joys of people understanding me, or accepting me. I never got to play hide-and-go-seek, or climb a tree, or even go to the bathroom on my own. My father said I was an abomination that should have been aborted, and soon he left us all alone. However, despite this, my mother never gave up on me! She nurtured me, and loved me against all odds. She was one of the few people to see past this hollow shell to who I truly was underneath. I struggled for years just to say the words “I love you” so she would know how much she means to me. I can never seem to say them well but she knows what I mean. She is my saving grace, and I’m blessed to have her. Even after she had to put me in this facility, because I got too big for her to care for on her own, she still visits me as often as she can. Oh, how I look forward to those days the most!

“You have a wonderful rest of your day, James,” the aid says with a smile as she leaves the room.

I love watching her when she’s in here. Her dark hair, and dark skin, is so much different than mine. During the early afternoon when she comes in to clean up, and check on me, I often find myself mesmerized by how her brown skin shines when the sun beams sneak past my blinds and bounce off of her. In a different life maybe she and I would be best friends... or even more. Maybe we could stroll down the beach with our feet in the sand, and watch the boats out on the sea disappearing into the horizon. She could tell me all things that go on in her wonderful mind, and I would stare back into those soft hazel eyes hanging on every word. We could have a family together, and I would tell her everyday how beautiful she was. But unfortunately, this is the life I was given so all I do is watch her, and smile, as she goes about her day. I believe sometimes people come into our lives during the hard times to make it a little better. For me she’s that person sent to make me smile if only on the inside.

I don’t blame anyone for making me this way. I understand some people are just born this way, and I’m just the one it fell onto. It’s made life very difficult, but not all of it. Unbeknownst to everyone around me I’m actually a very deep thinker, and I’m thankful to have that inside. I hear everything going around me and I am able to process things just like most people can. I’m really good with names too, and I’m very aware of my surroundings. I love to learn new things and when the night nurse comes in, she puts the history channel on for me to watch until I fall asleep. I love watching until I can barely hold my eyes open, and it's even more of a blessing that she cares enough to do it. I don’t know how she knew but one day she came in to my room, turned on the T.V. to exactly that channel, gave me a wink and left. I sat up all night learning about things like the industrial age, great world inventors, and even the marvels of giant ships sailing the wide-open ocean. I’ve learned so much, and most days I really wish I had someone to share it with, but sadly I’m a prisoner in my own mind.

I hope someday I’ll be able to share all the things going on inside of my mind that no one gets to see. I hope I can show people there’s so much more to me than meets the eye, and that they don’t have to look the other way when they see me. Maybe I’ll even get to tell my mother how much I love her, and how much her sacrifice meant to me. This is the dream I hold on to as I spend my days in my room staring at the painting on the wall. I'm just like that ship you know. Somedays I feel all alone with the powerful waves crashing all around me, but I know there’s a plan for me and one day I’ll find home.