The double-helix of love

"The course of true love never did run smooth." ~ Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream (1594-1596)

When we were kids we grew up with certain ideas (about relationships) being the standard. We were taught, or otherwise ascertained that a good relationship was based on a common interest in something, for much of our teenage years, our first relationships were based around music, games, TV shows and maybe even sports. But as we got older we started to notice our relationships diverge from that old wisdom, and for many they became turbulent, maybe even abusive. Turbulence in relationships is normal, abuse isn't (but that goes without saying).

But another key attribute to many relationships is the way we see our life in the context of the relationship. We see the life of the relationship, as being part of our individual lives and, for some we see our worth tied to the nature of the way our life is currently going. This impacts who we see as a "fit" for ourselves and can sometimes lead us down a path that turns toxic, possibly abusive. We think that, if our lives are "not going to plan" at that moment, then its more valid to be in a relationship with someone who is in that hole with us. As the old adage goes, misery loves company. We like to think that having someone in the "same boat" is going to help, when in fact it exposes us to the worst sides of ourselves and the other person.

It is not always possible for us or the other person to stretch our compassion away from ourselves towards another person. And that itself can result in abuse, abuse towards ourselves and our partners. I don't condone those behaviours, of course not, however, I think its worth reflecting on the fact that when you tie your value to your own success. Its inevitable that the relationships you end up in, will, ultimately turn sour as your emotional energy is stretched away from yourself and the mind turns red hot from the lack of a break from sadness. We characterise these turbulent relationships as "rollercoasters", but rollercoasters usually have mountains, while these relationships rarely survive hell long enough to see the daylight.

I personally believe that the way a relationship should be is that you go for who you want, rather than who you see yourself reflected in. If you take interest in someone whose life is on the up-and-up then you should take the chance and pursue them. Rather than stopping yourself, because you believe that you will simply slow them down. The truth is, you won't. If someone is working hard, and you keep them working hard and humble. You will do far more to keep them honest and grounded than you will slow them down. Someone who is soaring and is a good fit for you, will not think twice about throwing you a crumb here and there to help you out. That helping you out grounds them in the reality, and stops them "getting high on their own supply", which in the long term makes their growth as a person far more sustainable.

I characterise this "model" or style of relationship as a DNA Relationship, its a double-helix. It acknowledges that you are individual people on different "tracks" but are still capable of using your agency to get help and be helped by the other person. Your value as a person is based on you, not just what you have going on at a given moment in time. When you are soaring and they aren't, you can help them, and when its vise versa, they'll help you. This style, gives you a break from needing to constantly over-extend your compassion when you barely have any for yourself, because you know that they'll be back on their feet and be where you currently are at some point. In short, its a altruistic relationship where the altruist swaps positions once in a while.

This is pretty much the style that a I see amongst business people, or those pursuing high-paid or highly-respected careers. The ones who are in long-lasting relationships and are in their own right "on the up-and-up" tend to have this kind of relationship with their partner, and went in with this way of thinking. I don't think that this way of thinking is career or class specific, nor is it race or culturally specific. I think its an acknowledgement that the rich or sections of the middle class have afforded to have because they've not been stewing in squalor for most of their life. No matter what they do in career, the most honest part of their life is their relationships with others, and this is exactly why, because there is a subtle acknowledgement that they are doing well, but won't always be doing so great.

A double-helix relationship treats everyone in the relationship as a rosebud, you will have times where you flower and times where you close up for winter. But the point is, is that you won't be closed forever and you won't be alone when you are. You will always have someone there to help you, and you'll always be willing to help someone else when its your turn for spring.